The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows
by mello-hates-salads
Summary: A long time ago in a land far, far away, I imagined myself living in my own art studio living life up as an elite female jōnin. Today, I am a twenty-one year old still taking commands from her mother. How sad and pathetic is that? Don't answer that.
1. One of Those Days

_Hey guys… I know it's been a while since I've posted anything. _

_Well to be exact it's been since the summer time that I've posted a single thing…_

_Sorry… I really am._

_:[_

_Anyway, here is something I've been working on._

_I would love your opinions on it. _

_I probably won't post often on this one either but hey… it's worth a shot right?_

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy it._

_Feedback is extremely appreciated. _

_P.S. I listened to Lazy Eye by Silversun Pickups and The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows by Brand New (which is where I got my title from; it belongs to them) while writing most of this. It might not mean a lot in this chapter but later on it will become a bit more clear._

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* * *

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The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

-Chuck Palahniuk

Love had never been on my agenda. The though of even getting married was never uttered in my family... until now.

No, I am not being forced to marry against my will. I don't have some kind of suitor lined up for me since I was born. Even though that would probably make my life easier than it is right now. Sometimes I even wish that were my case.

It would just mean that someone would actually want me… even if they didn't, I would at least have someone to hold on to… someone I could be useful to. It would give me something to do.

All I want is to be useful. I don't want to be that typical crippled girl who is the family burden... but that is what I have become and I hate it. How I hate it.

Even though I try to help with anything I can. I help my parents run the book shop, cook, clean, take care of the bratty grandchildren. I'm still a worthless burden like an old hag. No, not even like a senior citizen because they have done their duty to the village. I'm worst.

I hate what I have become.

* * *

My parents are old... well not exactly old. Their bodies have been worked to their full extent. The poor fragile bones under their flesh no longer have the same resilience they did in the peak of their golden age. Their skin is rugged and horribly taken care of. Their eagle eyes no longer have the same sharpness as they did in their youth.

I tried to not stare at my father as he read on the counter or at my mother as she dusted the many shelves full of countless books with colorful bindings. Every time I see them my stomach churns in shame. They shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. I should be completing missions, serving my village..

"Mother go upstairs and rest," I continued to shelve the incoming books in the "New Releases" side of a bookshelf by the counter. "Taking care of the shop is my responsibility."

My mother's dark wrinkled face chuckled, "Oh child I am a restless old woman. If I don't do something productive I swear I'll go mad."

I finished shelving the last book and picked up the empty box. "Mother, you've been 'productive' enough for one day. Go upstairs and rest."

She laughed and continued to clean. "Rest? Nonsense! I'll rest when I'm dead."

I shook my head and slowly limped toward the front of the store. "Oh Mother."

"Don't you 'oh mother' me child!" she scolded as she moved on to the next shelf. "You need to respect your poor mothers decisions and-"

My father slammed his book shut and said, "Enough, both of you! I cannot read with the two of you bickering." He grabbed his book, stood up from the counter, and climbed up the stairs to my mother and his apartment.

"Oh dear," my mother muttered as she left the duster on the counter. She followed my father up the winding stairs but stopped midway and looked back at me. "Hisako, child. I promised your brother I would take care of little Toshiro. Do you mind if."

"No mother," I sighed, "I don't mind taking care of Toshiro."

I felt like asking what my brother's wife Ishiko is doing that is so important that she has to have my mother take care of her child for the fifth day in a row but I shut my mouth. I don't feel like starting an argument with my mother for a fifth day in a row as well. To my mother, Ishiko is a saint. She can do no wrong since she gave my mother what she has wished for since the day I turned eighteen: a grandchild.

"… Wait is Kiyoshi back from his mission?"

She smiled, "Yes, he arrived early this morning according to Ishiko." My mother paused to think and said, "Oh and my child, finish dusting those bookshelves for me." She climbed up a couple of more steps then paused again, "And sweep afterward as well."

I rolled my eyes and limped out of the store with the empty box at hand. Why does Ishiko get the passage into sainthood so easily while I have to work my ass off just to even be living with my parents? Oh wait, she's an easy whore who puts out in order to be sustained by the idiot who falls for her loose vagina. Oh yeah, I forget.

Outside, the streets of Konoha were full of life as always. Under the warmth of the sun, children were running around playing their silly little games. I could see many housewives with their straw baskets in hand walking around, gossiping with each other about the latest story. Even the chūnin patrolling the city were taking it easy on this beautiful warm day.

I shook my head and continued my path down the streets toward... well honestly I don't even know where I'm going. I just wanted to get away from the shop for a little while.

"Auntie!"

I snapped out of my thoughts and saw four-year-old Toshiro running toward me at an alarming speed. Before I could react to the incoming threat, he crashed into my bad leg and triggered another one of my horrible cramps. I swallowed my tears and hid the pain from my face well as I could.

He fell back onto the ground and giggled, "Are you ok Auntie Coco? Your eyes look kind of watery."

I tried my best to smile and said, "I'm fine. I just."

"Toshiro!"

And here comes the idiot who sustains the loose vagina, running down the street. It didn't take my brother long to reach us but it took him long enough for me to want to punch him in the face. Why can't he control his prodigy? Well why am I even asking? He can't even control his wife. Sometimes I wonder how he even became a jōnin.

Kiyoshi lifted his giggly child off of the ground and scolded, "What did I tell you about running ahead of me?"

I leaned on the nearest wall, dropped the box I was holding, and clutched my tainted left leg for dear life. The pain was unbearable, like always. I clenched my teeth and tried hard not to cry out. Sometimes I wonder if this is how it feels to bear a child. If it is, call me a sour old hag, but count me out. I think I have plenty on my plate with unexpected leg cramps and my brother's fun-sized version of himself.

"Daddy, I think there's something wrong with Auntie."

"… Hisako!" he let go of his mini-me and was about to try to console me but I pushed out my hand and stopped him dead in his tracks. "Kid, are you alright?"

I moaned and fell on the ground while still holding my bad leg. "Yeah Kiyoshi, I'm just dandy. This is just a new dance move I learned where I pretend that someone just stabbed my leg!"

"You don't have to be a..." he looked back at Toshiro, mouthed "Bitch," and continued, "...about it. I was just trying to help."

I was getting used to the pain so I slowly began to massage my leg in order to relax my cramped muscle while Kiyoshi just stared and scratched his curly golden brown hair like a dumbfounded puppy.

"Sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you."

"Auntie Coco, did you get another leg cramp?" the child prodigy observed my lame leg and continued, "Maybe you should go to a doctor for that."

My leg muscle was finally starting to relax.

Way to go Captain Obvious.

I laughed and continued to massage my leg slowly. Luckily not a lot of people noticed my little scene and if they did they obviously didn't care to stop and snoop around. "Maybe next week, I don't have time for silly things like that… and stop calling me Coco. This is like the fifth time I've told you."

"I will… when you stop smelling like sugary sweet coconuts," he retorted.

I stuck out my tongue at Toshiro and he did the same.

I need to stop arguing with four-year-olds.

"Children enough fighting." Kiyoshi offered me his hand and I accepted it. "Especially you Hisako, you're a grown woman for god's sake."

I rolled my eyes. "Sorry Father." I looked at Toshiro and mouthed, "I'll get you back!"

Toshiro stuck out his tongue again and giggled.

Kiyoshi pulled me up and put my right arm over his shoulder. "Do you think you can walk?"

I flinched. "Most likely." I tried to shift a little bit of weight toward my left leg and a bolt of pain shot through it like lightening. I instantly raised it and stood on my right foot alone. "Never mind. I thought I'd be used to the pain by now."

He sighed and massaged his temples, "Alright. well Toshiro walk in front of me so I can see you. Hisako, just lean on me and I'll help you home."

Toshiro scratched his little white haired head and said, "Daddy can I just run there? It'll be faster than walking with Auntie Coco and I can help Grandma take care of the store and."

"Yes, yes! Run along and tell Grandma to get a chair for your Auntie."

Before he could even finish his sentence, Toshiro was half way there. He continued to stare until he was sure that his one and only child arrived safely.

Up close, I noticed that Kiyoshi's face looked less. exuberant than usual. I could actually see alarming signs of age starting to show up in his once youthful face. Dark circles surrounded his handsome hazel-green eyes and his sun kissed skin had become pale. He was engraved with red scars all over his arms and face from previous injuries, which is kind of scary. Don't get me wrong, my older brother is still the best looking male in the family, he just looks a little bit dead right now.

"Hey Kiyoshi… are you okay?"

He shook his head and snapped out of his thoughts. "Huh?"

"You seem out of it today… did your mission go as planned?"

"My mission… oh yeah," his confused frown turned into a reluctant smile. "Yeah, it went well. I just haven't had a chance to rest since Ishiko left Toshiro with me as soon as I arrived."

I snorted, "Typical of her."

Kiyoshi sighed, "Look, she's doing errands."

"Hah, she's been doing errands for the past five days!"

Kiyoshi didn't retort so I continued, "Your health is more important than any silly little 'errand' that she has to run. If she does this again I swear I'll kick her ass."

He laughed, "You've been threatening to kick her ass since the day I married her."

I ruffled my older brother's hair and smiled. "Well I've been waiting for a good reason to do so. Anyway, someone's gotta stand up for you and put Ishiko in her place."

"Kid, I love you and you mean well but stay out of my marriage."

I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "Sometimes I wonder how you're still in love with her."

He rubbed his eyes and smiled. "My dear little Sister, some day you'll understand."

"Pfft...keep on dreaming, Kiyoshi."

* * *

"If you don't know what you want, you end up with a lot you don't"

-Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)

One good thing that did come out of Kiyoshi's marriage to Ishiko was little Toshiro. He is the mirror image of my brother when he was that age. well except his hair, which he inherited from his mother. The four-year-old child has the most beautiful snow-white hair I have ever seen on a boy. His facial features are still soft and child-like but I can already tell he was going to grow up to be a handsome boy like his father. I have to admit, Ishiko and Kiyoshi make beautiful children together.

"Toshiro will you stop fidgeting around."

The child prodigy looked down from the ladder, stuck out his tongue, and continued to dust the shelves my mother left unfinished. "Auntie Coco, shouldn't you be proud that I'm helping you around the book store?"

I swear if I didn't have to keep my leg on top of this stupid chair, I would have dragged him down that latter by the ear. I know, I have such an amazing way of showing that I love my nephew but sometimes he's a bit of a goody-two shoes and it bothers me. At that age, kids are usually running around causing mayhem and disorder. Well at least my brother and I were.

"I would feel even better if you just sat down! You're making me feel useless."

Toshiro climbed down the ladder and stretched. "Don't say that Auntie, you practically run this store on your own."

I smiled, "Come here Toshiro."

He placed the duster on the ladder and rubbed his eyes as he walked around the chair my leg was resting. "What did I do now?"

I motioned him to come closer and he did. I wrapped my arms around my smart-ass four-year-old nephew and lightly kissed him on the left cheek. After a couple of seconds he broke the embrace, wiped his cheek with his sleeve, and said, "Eww! Affection."

I laughed.

Well maybe he's not as much of a weirdo that I thought he was.

Before I could say anything else, I heard the little bell on the door ring. I leaned over past the ladder in order to see who was the first customer of the day. I groaned when I saw a poofy, silver-haired man in a standard shinobi uniform browsing the nearest shelf by the door.

I felt Toshiro softly tug my sleeve and I quickly snapped out of my thoughts. I whispered, "What's wrong Toshiro?"

He cupped his two hands around his mouth and whispered, "Auntie Coco, who is that guy and why are we whispering?"

I looked over again to make sure he was still browsing around and whispered, "His name is Kakashi and we're whispering because it's not nice to talk about other people behind their back."

"Well said Hisako," whispered a voice from my right.

I looked over and saw the one and only copy-cat ninja Kakashi Hatake crouching down next to me with an amused expression… well not that I could really see his face since he always has some kind of blue cloth covering the majority of his face but his uncovered eye gleamed with mischief and delight.

Toshiro cried out and jumped back so violently that it caused the chair to tilt toward the left. I lost my balance, fell off the chair, and landed hard on the ground with both of the chairs on top of me. I moaned as my bad leg exploded with pain. It wasn't as bad as the cramp I had a while ago but it still hurt.

"Auntie! Auntie, I swear I didn't mean to make you fall and hurt your leg," scared Toshiro said while he pushed the chairs off of me. He didn't give me a chance to say anything, instead he kneeled next to me and continued to plead, "He surprised me and I couldn't help it. I-"

I put my hand over his mouth and said, "It's okay, calm down. It was an accident. Get it, an _accident_." Toshiro nodded and I removed my hand.

I turned to my right and Kakashi was offering me his hand. "I didn't mean to scare you."

I gave him the death glare but didn't say anything.

"Well I did, but not enough to hurt you two."

I laughed reluctantly and smiled, "Well it's nice to see you too Kakashi. I can see you haven't lost your ability to sneak up on people and scare the living cra-I mean daylights out of them."

Before I could take up his offer, Toshiro intercepted. He pulled Kakashi's hand down and began to closely examine him. "Toshiro what are you doing?"

He didn't answer me. Instead Toshiro continued to stare him down. Kakashi shot me a puzzled look as if somehow I knew what the four-year-old was doing. I shrugged and waved my hand in front of the child's face.

Toshiro's expression immediately shifted from observant to someone who just discovered the meaning of life. "I know you! You're that guy who buys those perverted books from grandpa while Auntie Coco away!"

I bit my lip in order to hold back the laughter that began to accumulate in my throat. How does Toshiro know these things? How come I didn't know this? I knew Kakashi bought Make-out Paradise from here but I didn't know my father was the main supplier of the rest of his perverted collection. Oh, wait 'till my mother hears about this.

I looked up at Kakashi but his expression didn't betray any sort of reaction he could have had to Toshiro's accusations. I bet he doesn't really care what I think about this "revelation". After all everyone in town knows he reads those perverted books so what difference does it make if _I_ know where he gets them?

None, exactly.

I managed to keep a straight face. "Toshiro, go upstairs. Grandma is calling you."

For a second he believed me and began to retreat but with his gaze still on Kakashi. The copy ninja was returning an amused stare. Finally the little light bulb in Toshiro's head lit up and he said," Wait a minute, how come I didn't hear her?"

"I'm a mind reader," I quickly shot back. "Now be a good boy and go see what Grandma wants before she gets angry at both of us."

Toshiro stood his ground and crossed his arms in front of his chest. "Auntie, I'm not leaving you alone with a pervert."

"Toshiro, I said now!"

Toshiro looked at me, then at Kakashi, and shrugged. "Fine," he said as he walked toward the stairs. "I'm telling Daddy you're hanging out with a one-eyed pervert." He ran upstairs and slammed the door shut.

I sighed and shook my head. "Sorry about that."

Kakashi stood up and scratched his head. "Kiyoshi's boy is starting to look more like him everyday."

I snorted and crossed my arms in front of my chest, "Yeah, unfortunately he doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut either… just be happy you don't have to deal with kids."

Kakashi cringed, "Well… not exactly."

I squinted, "What do you mean by… oh! Wait, have the kids from the Academy graduated already?"

He nodded and offered me his hand again. I smiled and gratefully took his offer. Sometimes I wonder why the villagers don't really like the copy ninja. He's a nice person... once you get to know him. Maybe it's the mask... or maybe it's the fact that he can be a major douche bag when you get on his bad side. Been there, done that. Let's just say it's not a good to have Kakashi as an enemy.

As he helped me up I said, "So... I'm guessing you're getting ready to crush the hopes and dreams of another fresh batch of genin."

"If by 'crushing their hopes and dreams' you mean take them away from something they aren't suited for, then yes," he smiled (or so it seemed since his face muscles sort of twitched),"I guess I am."

I pursed my lips and looked down at my lame leg. "Well I guess you've got a point Kakashi _sensei_..."

I guess I was also one of those who wasn't suited for the job...

I leaned against the nearest bookshelf and began to prepare myself for a long day ahead of me. Every time Kakashi came into this store it would take me hours to satisfy his ridiculously vague taste in books. Last time he was here I practically had to kick him out of the store to get him to leave. Do you know how hard it is for a person with only one fully functional leg to kick out a jōnin, especially one who used to was a member of the Anbu squad? Let's just say I'm not in the same shape I used to be.

For some reason he can never find the "perfect" book. They're usually either too depressing, happy, stupid, and sometimes he just doesn't like the font or the color of the font on the cover. The list of excuses could go on and on but I'm not going to give myself a headache trying to remember them all.

The sad part is, he always leaves with the same book every single time: Make-out Paradise.

"So... to what do I owe the honor of your presence in my parent's humble shop? Or are you here to see Kiyoshi?"

Kakashi casually put his hands in his pockets and responded, "Actually..."

"Wait, wait, wait. Don't tell me!" I grinned. "You ruined your copy of Make-out Paradise and you're here for another?"

"Well..." he leaned on the same shelf I was holding on to dear life with. "Yes and no."

"Yes and no?" I frowned. "So is that a maybe?"

"I want a decent book of poetry..."

Is this some kind of joke? Since when does he read poetry? My guess is... well honestly I don't know. This guy is such a weirdo that he might actually just want to make my day a living hell.

Maybe it's revenge for all of the times he caught me outside long past the village's curfew for underage brats. Good times... good times. Well his face looks drop dead serious so I doubt it...

"Since when are you into poetry?"

Kakashi shrugged and looked up at the ceiling. "I want to try something new."

Bull shit.

"Are you trying to impress someone?"

"No."

"Is poetry reading some kind of flirting tactic in Make-out Paradise?"

Kakashi shot me a puzzled look.

"You know... a lot of girls like sensitive guys..."

"No...Is it that hard to believe I want to read something new?"

I snorted, "Yeah. Every time you come here you buy the same book."

"That's my problem, not yours."

I glared at his expressionless face and sighed. "Fine, I give up. What type of poetry were you looking for? I will satisfy your utmost desires."

Kakashi smiled (well I'm guessing he did; someone seriously needs to rip that mask off his face). "I thought this was a book store."

I returned an icy glare. "I didn't mean it that way you perv."

"Whatever you say Hisako," he shifted his blank stare out into space and continued, "Well I was looking something romantic but not cheesy..."

See... I was right.

I opened my mouth to respond with the perfect author but, to my misfortune, Kakashi continued, "Adventurous but not enough to be an epic, sad but not enough to make me want to kill myself, inspirational but not enough to make me restless..."

Okay, so maybe I wasn't right. So maybe he really does want to make my day a living hell. Either way I was somehow right...

I sighed, "Kakashi, just stop already. We're getting no where... why don't you walk around for a couple of minutes and narrow it down to one particular theme or topic you're interested in."

Kakashi took out his now tattered copy of Make-out Paradise from his vest, opened it up, and said, "Well you're the sales person here and I've told you what I want. Bring me some books and we'll find something... eventually..."

"But..."

He shoved his face in his little orange book and responded, "I have all day."

I mentally groaned.

Damn you Kakashi. Someday, I swear I will get you back... somehow. I rubbed my temples with my left hand and kept myself balanced with my right hand on the bookshelf. "Look, any day I would have gladly helped you as long as it took to find what you want but today is not a good day."

No signs of pity.

"Earth to Kakashi..."

"I'm listening."

I glowered and muttered, "Sure... doesn't seem like it."

Even after that, still no signs of sympathy. Note to self: never read or become obsessed dirty romance novels, no matter how old and lonely I get. Never read pervy novels. Ever.

I sighed and looked around the maze of bookshelves. All of a sudden, this store seemed bigger than I thought it was. "Well Kakashi, since you are so enthusiastic to learn about the world of poetry, you will have the honor of helping me around the store."

"Mhm…To what do I owe such honor?"

"My retarded leg had a spazz attack."

"A what attack?"

"I got one of my usual leg cramps. I can't walk on my retard leg because it hurts too much."

No reaction or slight movement from Kakashi's pervy hermit mode.

"If you don't want to help me then..."

"No, no. I'll help you."

Damn you Hatake…

"Look, It'll be easier for both of us if you come back tomorrow and narrow down your list of themes."

Again, no response.

I'm starting to get a bit pissed off here.

"I promise my leg will be better by tomorrow morning and I'll be able to help you as long as you-"

"But," he interrupted and shut his book closed. "The problem is I want it now."

Spoiled brat.

"Fine... but I'm gonna have to lean on you. Are you okay with that?"

Please say no. Please say no. Please, please, please.

"Of course," he stood up straight, smiled, and continued, "Are you okay with it?"

No.

"Of course."

Maybe this is his personal vendetta against all of my childhood pranks. Now that Kakashi is putting me through all of this, do I regret them? Hell no. Those memories were priceless. I remember once I laughed so hard that I gave up on running away from him. Thankfully, Kakashi always sent me to Kiyoshi instead of my parents. Good times. Now that I think about it, the only thing I do regret is not enjoying them as much as he has been enjoying this.

I didn't mean that in a dirty way.


	2. Time to Pretend

_I am trash. I am trash and shit and crazy to you and this whole fucking world. You don't care where I live or how I feel, or what I eat or how I feed my kids or how I pay the doctor if I get sick, and yes I am stupid and bored and weak, but I am still your responsibility._

**Chuck Palahniuk**

If there is one thing that I hate about Friday nights, it's the family dinner. My parents, Kiyoshi, Ishiko, little Toshiro, and me have to gather around the dinner table and pretend that live is full of rainbows and unicorns. The best part is that I have to cook dinner with Ishiko and Kiyoshi. Oh, joy.

Moments like these make me wonder why I'm still living in this household. Wait, I'm a crippled girl who can't work on her own. Yeah, I forgot about that.

"So, Toshiro tells me you hang out with one eyed perverts," Kiyoshi said as he slowly stirred the soup on the stove while I slowly set up the table.

What an interesting way to start a conversation.

Thankfully Ishiko isn't in the room, she loves to blow things way out of proportion.

I set down the centerpiece on the table. "You need to teach Toshiro some manners."

"Why do you say that?"

"Don't you know how much of a big mouth he is? Do you know how embarrassing it is when your four-year-old nephew calls another person a one-eyed pervert?" I walked over to the kitchen cabinets next to the stove and slammed the doors open. "Imagine how awkward it was for me to hang out with Kakashi after that."

Kiyoshi raised an eyebrow and gave me an amused glance. "Since when do you hang out with Kakashi? I thought you two were enemies since he always caught you and your little buddies wandering around the town like a bunch of hooligans."

I snorted and carefully took out the fine china plates from the lower section. "Grow up Kiyoshi. I never disliked Kakashi… he was actually the reason sneaking around at night was so much fun. Plus we weren't hanging out. I was helping him find a book with good poetry."

Kiyoshi laughed, "You were the one that said you two were 'hanging out'."

"Well I didn't mean it that way."

"If you say so... anyway, since when does he read poetry? Kakashi doesn't seem like the sentimental type… wait, did you find anything for him?"

I took a couple of plates from the counter and walked over to the table. "Not really. I found something he might like but he didn't like the color of the cover."

"So he didn't buy it?"

I arranged the first dinner place. "Oh no, he bought it. I passionately read five poems and threatened him into buying it."

"How so?"

"Oh, I told him I wouldn't sell him copies of Make-out Paradise anymore."

Kiyoshi drops the spoon he was stirring the soup with and busts out laughing. "And he fell for that?"

I grinned, "Well he bought the book so I guess he did."

"Because he obviously wants something from you."

I looked up and the one and only loose vagina Ishiko was standing in the doorway, balancing a ridiculously huge straw basket on her head. I glared at my mother's favorite daughter-in-law and she returned a venomous smile. How I hate her with her perfect frizz-less snow-white hair, crystal dark blue eyes, petite figure, and small little waist. Damn her; how can she still look so young and thin after childbirth? Maybe she really is a succubus.

"You're crazy. Kakashi might be a closet perv but I don't think he has a thing for crippled girls."

I finished setting up the table so I moved on to finish cooking the soup Kiyoshi left in order to laugh at my eventful day with Kakashi. I'm so proud that I managed to speak with Ishiko without threatening to kill her. I think I'm getting better at this whole charade thing.

"I have to agree with Hisako on this one," Kiyoshi leaned on the kitchen counter and continued, "Well not about the crippled girl fetish part but he isolates himself from everyone else. He seems to like to be alone. Kakashi isn't the sort of person that would want any sort of close relationship with anyone."

There was no response from Ishiko or me so Kiyoshi continued with his observations, "From all of the years I've known Kakashi, he's never-"

"Well things change," Ishiko interrupted as she set the basket down next to Kiyoshi on the counter. I could hear her footsteps grow closer to the stove. "After all, _freaks_ attract other _freaks_."

The soup I was stirring began to boil. I quickly put the lid on the pot and turned to face Ishiko. "You don't know him-"

Ishiko smirked, "And _you_ do?"

She seems to enjoy making me want to punch her into a bloody pulp. She knows it kills me inside because I can't do anything about it. She is the favorite daughter-in-law who gave my parents a grandchild. I'm just the pathetic crippled girl who can't do anything with her life except run her parent's bookstore.

"I sure as hell know him better than you do."

Kiyoshi tried to not get involved in our verbal fight. He knew that it would get him nowhere as usual. I could tell that he was ready to hold any of us back just in case this exploded into a fistfight.

"Don't make me laugh!"

Ishiko gave me a chance to retaliate but I didn't want to add fuel to the fire. Kakashi isn't worth getting in a fight for with Ishiko. Who cares what she thinks about him anyway? Instead, I turned back to the boiling soup and began to stir it again. I don't know why I did, after all it's done already.

"Sure he's gentle and polite with you but deep inside, Kakashi Hatake is just a stuck up-"

I clenched my teeth and turned off the stove.

"Pornography reading-"

Hisako, don't you dare punch this white snake right in between her slits for eyes. He isn't worth it. He isn't worth it.

"Teammate murdering-"

My hands instantly turned into a fist and I yelled, "That's it!" Before I could land my punch, Kiyoshi immediately pushed Ishiko aside and blocked it with his hand. Instead of letting go, he used it to his advantage. Kiyoshi spun me around and locked both of my arms behind my back.

Before I could begin to yell obscenities at the white-haired shit-talking witch on the floor, I heard footsteps heading toward the kitchen. Well all looked toward the kitchen door then at each other. Kiyoshi and I looked at each other. He nodded, let me go, and leaned on the kitchen counter again. Ishiko stood up from the floor and began to set the food up on the table. I stood there dumbfounded for a second but then followed their example.

Let the masquerade begin.


	3. An Ode to Death

**Hello! **

**What can I say, I'm a horrible updater.**

**Anyway, I'm sad to say there is no Kakashi in this chapter which is why I'm putting up two today. **

**:D**

**This is necessary background stuff.**

**Anyway, enjoy!**

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* * *

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**_"People are all over the world telling their one dramatic story and how their life has turned into getting over this one event. Now their lives are more about the past than their future."_**

**–Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)**

My brother Kiyoshi had been my best friend. I know it's a bit creepy to be best friends with your older sibling but we didn't have the stereotypical sibling relationship. We did everything together and the reason I turned out who I was today is partially because of him.

We were each other's confidents. I told him everything, even though he wouldn't do the same. After Uncle Kiyoshi's death, he was the one I went to for advice and help. When Kakashi caught me outside past curfew, Kiyoshi wouldn't tell our parents. On the contrary, he found them amusing. Most of the time, he would actually encourage these midnight strolls.

He would say, "I want to see how long you guys can out smart Kakashi. If you guys manage to stay out all night on one his patrol nights, I'll pay for dinner."

We never got that free dinner.

After he married Ishiko, things changed. Suddenly he "grew up" and stopped talking to me like a friend. During that time I was sixteen and was slowly going through the awkward teenage stages. I needed him more than ever but he was off "being an adult". He no longer had time for me. I expected him to change but not this much.

As a newly promoted chūnin, I volunteered for as many missions as I could possibly take. I signed up for as many city patrols as I could handle and started to visit my Uncles grave as often as I could.

I didn't want to be at home. I couldn't stand living alone with my parents. I couldn't stand the awkward silence between us since Kiyoshi was no longer around. I noticed that we had become strangers to one another. I didn't trust my parents so I couldn't confide in them about anything.

I never told my friends my true feelings about Kiyoshi's "upgrade" to adulthood or my parents oblivious attitude. I just didn't think it was necessary to start involving them with my personal family issues. They have enough problems to worry about without mine weighing them down as well.

Since humans weren't available, I turned to paper and ink in order to express my deepest darkest feelings. The third month Kiyoshi was gone, I bought a black journal and fancy colored pens. That same day, I hid on top of the tallest tree and wrote until I felt my hand would fall off. Afterwards I felt so relieved and empty. It felt good but not enough to make me happy.

It was the first time I felt completely and utterly alone.

* * *

Is it sad that I find coming to the cemetery relaxing?

I know it's a bit creepy but there is nothing but dead people around for miles. Which is good. I really hate people sometimes. They get on my nerves. Like today for example, I was helping a little pink haired girl pick out a good book for pleasure reading. She wanted a good love story so I gave her "Romeo and Juliet". She looked about twelve years old so I expected her to understand Shakespeare by now. She opens the book and probably reads the first line and automatically decides that it's boring.

How is "Romeo and Juliet" boring? She wanted a good love story so here you go. It has hate, gore, love, and an unpredictable ending. What more does this kid want? In the end, she took some dirty romance novel called "The Reluctant Suitor". I knew she didn't know what type of "romance" book it was and I didn't stop her.

She's going to lose her innocence some day anyway.

I reached Uncle Kiyoshi's gravesite and did the usual routine. I replaced the dead flowers with fresh ones from the Yamanaka clan's flower shop and looked around to confirm no one was around. I sat down in my usual spot, at the bottom of his plain square tombstone, and sighed.

He has been dead for twelve years but it still feels like it was just yesterday that he was teaching me how to control my chakra. Uncle Kiyoshi was my favorite uncle… well he was my only uncle. My Mother was an only child and my Father has two older sisters but only one younger brother.

He was always really happy… kind of like how my brother Kiyoshi was before he married Ishiko… You could always find my uncle with a smile on his face. If anyone ever asked him why he was so happy, he would reply, "Is there a reason not to be? I'm still alive which should reason enough to walk around with a grin on my face."

My Uncle Kiyoshi was considered the adventurous one in the family. He loved to travel and explore… I remember the first time I left Konoha was with him… It was only a couple of miles out of town but it was more than I had ever seen in my entire life…

For some reason, he liked to give me "constructive criticism". He helped me get rid of the habit of rolling my eyes at everything. Every time I rolled my eyes at him, he would make me run to my house and back. Trust me, I got over it fast…

He also always said I should take my hair away from my face and work on smiling more often. He would always tell me that I shouldn't take life for granted… I wish I had listened to him.

I began to fiddle around with my black leather bound journal. I opened it and read the different entrees written by the sixteen-year-old Hisako. My past confessions were so depressing and embarrassing that I forced it shut and hid it behind my uncle's tombstone. I couldn't stand looking at it anymore.

The dead silence surrounding the cemetery was killing me.

No pun intended.

"Uncle Kiyoshi, why can't my brother be more like you? I mean there's gotta be a reason Father named him after you… Even though Father only did so because he lost a bet against you on whether Kiyoshi was going to be a boy or a girl… but that's not the point!"

I hugged my knees and continued to complain to my poor dead uncle. "I mean, why doesn't he have the same guts you did? …Well then again we should be thankful he doesn't… I mean look where you ended up—"

I shook my head and buried my flustered face in my hands. "I didn't mean it that way Uncle… I swear… why do I act like such a kid when I'm talking to you?"

I was answered with complete and utter silence.

My voice was coming out a bit muffled but I didn't care. The poor man is dead for god's sake. I'm sure he can understand anything I say. I bet he can probably hear exactly what I'm thinking right now.

"Uncle Kiyoshi, you need to come back from the dead and scare some sense into my brother. He can't handle his stupid wife. She teases me so much and it pisses me off that I can't kick her ass because of my stupid retard leg."

I let go of my face and hugged my knees again. "I mean I don't regret what happened to my leg, I saved someone's life... well his career… which is technically his life. Sacrifices had to be made and you know what, I was glad that I was the one to make that sacrifice…. I just hate the fact that I can't kick Ishiko's ass. If someone needs to get her ass kicked, it's her."

This time I was answered with a strong chilly wind. White clouds were beginning to gather around the once pretty blue sky. I hate these random shifts in weather. One moment it's warm and then it's freezing. Oh freaking joy.

"Do you know what she said about Kakashi? I mean Hatake. I forget that you don't remember his first name… She said… she said…"

I hid my face in my knees because I could already feel a wave of emotions begin to take over me. This always happens here. I can only be honest with my Uncle Kiyoshi. He understands. He's the only one that ever has. Maybe it's because he's dead.

"She called him a stuck up—which he clearly isn't… I mean he can be nice… well sometimes… well he's nice to me at least-pornographic reading—okay, so maybe he does read pervy books. Big deal. Everyone has his or her embarrassing hobbies. I like to write romantic short stories, so what? -–Teammate murderer!"

The sky ominously rumbled.

"I know!" my voice cracked. "It's messed up and I really, really wanted to punch her in the face but Kiyoshi blocked my attack."

My throat was beginning to hurt and my eyes were beginning to sting. "I don't know why I want to cry Uncle. It's not like she insulted me but in a way I felt like she did."

My heart was beginning to pound faster as I spoke. "If everyone is insulting him like this, imagine what they're saying about me? Kakashi might be a bit strange but at least he does his duty… What do I do? Nothing, Uncle; I do nothing!"

I'm surprised I haven't started crying yet. I'm not sad though… I'm just pissed off. Really, really pissed off. I'm pissed off at my Uncle for dying, I'm pissed off at Ishiko for being such a god damned snake, I'm pissed off at Kakashi for being so nice to me when he should be a douche bag, I'm pissed off at Kiyoshi for just being Kiyoshi, and, most of all…

"I'm pissed off at myself for being such a fucking girl!" I yelled at the small rectangular piece of erect concrete. "Why do I always come to you Uncle? You never say anything! You just lie there and say nothing! I need your "constructive criticism". Why can't you just say, "Hisako, grow up. Live and let die. Move on!" Someone, say something!"

"Hisako," replied an indifferent voice from behind me.

I froze in the middle of my childish tantrum.

"Grow up."

My anger was immediately zapped away.

"Live and let die."

I could feel every single footstep leading him closer and closer…

"Move on."

My body wouldn't move.

I didn't want to turn around.

I was really scared of what would happen next. He wasn't suppose to be here. He wasn't suppose to listen to any of this. I'm the emotionally strong one in the family. I'm the freak who isn't suppose to care about anything. My soul was suppose to have died from the moment I found out I could no longer carry out my duties as a shinobi…

Yet here I am, yelling my deep and darkest feelings to a hard, cold, piece of concrete. How sane do I look right now from a scale from one to ten? I give it a negative ten.

"What are you doing here Kiyoshi?"

There was an awkward pause for a couple of seconds. I could hear the crunching sound of flowers being shifted from hand to hand. When Kiyoshi didn't know what to say, he found something to keep his hands busy.

"I thought you were going to take care of the bookstore so I could go out for a while…"

"I—" he paused, almost like he was speechless, and he walked forth to place his golden sunflowers next to my white roses. "Well, Mother decided that she wanted to take over for a while and she sort of… kicked me out."

He sat down next to me and continued, "I didn't have anything else to do so… well I haven't had time to see Uncle and… uhh…"

Kiyoshi's voice was getting weaker and weaker as his continued with his weave. He scratched his head and lamely finished, "Here I am…"

I took a deep breath but didn't say anything.

"Is there something you want to say to me, Hisako."

I gulped and rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hand. I'm actually contemplating on confiding in Kiyoshi. I really want to… but I can't…

"Nothing that I haven't already said."

My brother crossed his legs and looked up at the ominous sky. "Okay, let me rephrase that. Is there something you want to say to me that you haven't said behind my back?"

There was an awkward silence.

I've got to admit, that hurt me a little.

I rested my chin on top of my knees and responded, "No."

My brother didn't respond.

I bit my lip and kept my gaze fixed on my Uncle Kiyoshi's grave. Somehow, I feel like I should have said yes...

The seconds dragged on like hours and the minutes like days. I wasn't sure how long my brother and I had been there but it felt like an eternity. The silence was killing me inside but I couldn't break it. I didn't want to break it.

Kiyoshi quickly sat up and asked, "Do you want to start heading back?"

"Just give me a minute."

What I meant to say was go away… please.


	4. Hard Times of Hisako, ExNinja

**For some reason, FF decided to punish me last month.**

**I couldn't post anything for a while since an "error" kept showing up.**

**Lame.**

**Anyway, thank you for the reviews!**

**I really appreciate them.**

**Enjoy!**

**_"The most boring thing in the entire world is nudity. The second most boring thing is honesty."_**

**Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)**

I pulled out the numerous forgotten books from under my bed and quickly examined each and everyone one of them.

It has to be somewhere around here. There is no way I would have lost it… there's no way…

I shoved my head under my bed and continued to search every single square inch of space but found nothing. I growled and continuously pounded the floor in frustration.

Great, not only does Kiyoshi hate me but I've lost the keeper of my deepest darkest secrets. What a great way to start off the week. Someone kill me, now.

I heard a knock at my door and a muffled voice yell, "Hisako, what are you doing? It sounds like the Fourth Ninja War is taking place in your room!"

"Sorry Mother," I yelled back. "I'm just… killing a spider."

"Is your whole racket only over a spider? Silly child open this door immediately!"

I looked around my small room and groaned. It really did look like the Fourth Ninja War was taking place in my room. The books from my two shelves were dumped on the floor along with the ones hidden from under my bed. The contents of my closet were all dumped on the floor as well. All of this over one little leather-bound book.

Well maybe I'm being a little over dramatic. I mean my room isn't that bad… plus I'm relatively a neat person. I'll just tell my mother I'm remodeling my room or something… Oh yeah because that makes sense, a crippled girl moving around furniture without any sort of assistance.

"Fuck my life," I muttered as I got up from the floor. "Coming Mother!"

A long time ago in a land far, far away, I imagined myself living in my own art studio living life up as an elite female jōnin. Today, I am a twenty-one year old still taking commands from her mother. How sad and pathetic is that? Don't answer that.

I managed to quickly limp over my book-infested floor towards the door. I slightly opened the door and stuck my head out.

My mother did not look pleased.

"Hisako…"

I smiled, "Yes? Does something ail you?"

She glared at me. "Don't act smart with me child, it is six in the morning. Your racket is loud enough to wake the dead from their sleep! What are you doing?"

She tried to push the door open wider but my good leg held it in its place. I reluctantly chuckled and said, "Sorry Mother. I was looking for my leather bound book and killing a couple of spiders on the way… have you seen it by any chance?"

I could tell she wasn't buying my excuse but fortunately it seems like she doesn't care enough to persist. "The last time it you were leaving somewhere… I'm not exactly sure where. Now will you stop your racket and let the rest of us sleep?"

I nodded and smiled again. "Have a good morning Mother."

She glared at me for another couple of seconds and then went back to her room, down the hall. I waited a couple of minutes, just to make sure my Mother stayed in her room, and then quickly shut the door.

I leaned against the door and began to process this new chunk of information. Okay, so if I took it out with me it has to be at the park, the extreme out skirts of Konoha, or the cemetery grounds. There is absolutely no way it is around this place. I swear, the walls have eyes here.

Speaking of things I can't do, I can't run around town looking for my secret confident. I have a bookstore to run. I guess I could post up a D-rank mission for it… It would give the poor little genin an easy mission and it would give me an excuse to leave this dreary place for a couple of hours.

This sounds just a bit too easy… something is bound to go wrong and I know it. What if McPerv Kakashi gets his hands on it… Would he have the audacity to read it? Nah… that's like a one out of seven chance. There is no way I'll have that much bad luck in one week.

Maybe I should get my moneys worth and make them to reorganize my room too.

* * *

"What do you mean there are no squads available?"

The chūnin behind the table scooted back and said, "I'm sorry miss… but there are no squads available at the moment. The next available team can take care of it tomorrow."

I was literally ready to grab this little runt by his collar and make him go look for the notebook himself but I knew it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I took a deep breath and continued, "Please, this is an emergency. I NEED that journal… my room doesn't really matter. I just really, really need that journal."

I was completely ready to make a scene and bust out in tears. I'm a crippled girl who is begging him to help her find the journal who is her only friend in the whole wide world. Who can resist helping a crippled girl? No one, exactly.

The chūnin's body relaxed a bit. He looked at me with sympathy and replied, "Look I'm sorry but…"

"When are we going to get a _real_ mission?" interrupted an obnoxiously annoying voice coming from behind me.

I turned around and saw a blond boy with a bright orange jumpsuit burst into the room and run toward the chūnin in front of me. I obviously knew this kid. After all, who doesn't know the infamous Naruto. He seemed pumped up and ready to go for eight a.m. I didn't know he graduated this year. Good for him. I envy his enthusiasm though. I remember when I was a genin I hated D-rank missions. They made me feel like a servant.

"What are we doing next? What secret and dangerous…"

While Naruto continued to express his hopes for the next mission I observed the genin on his team. There was the dark haired Uchiha kid with his usual fuck-off expression. I never really liked him. He was too quiet… and not the shy quiet but more like the I'm-better-than-you quiet. I hate those type of kids. Then there's the pink-haired girl who I sold the dirty romance novel to. Hah, poor kid. I wonder if she's read it yet.

I inwardly laughed but then froze when I saw the standard shinobi uniform, the poofy silver hair, and the hidden face walk in behind the pink-haired child. "Kakashi?"

He looked a bit surprised to see me but he responded with a casual, "Yo."

"What are you doing here?"

He shot me a puzzled look and responded, "I work here… remember?"

I held on to the table for support and reluctantly laughed, "Oh yeah, right."

The pink-haired girl and the Uchiha kid were giving me weird looks. Even Naruto had paused in order to take a good look at me.

My worst fears had just come true.

Naruto stepped back, tilted his head, and looked at me then at Kakashi. "Kakashi sensei, do you know this lady?"

Before Kakashi could respond, the pink haired child piped up, "Of course he does, Naruto. She's the lady from the bookstore."

Narutos face lit up, "Ohh… so you're the main supplier of Kakashi sensei's pervy books. You must make a lot of money off of just him."

"Naruto!" exclaimed the pink-haired girl.

"Actually I do," I smiled and tightened my grip on the table. "That's why he's my _favorite_ customer, right Kakashi?"

He put his hands in his pockets and said, "Right. You're my favorite hostess, which is why I'm glad you feel the same way about me. It will help me feel less guilty when I ask you to search for hours on end for vague books."

Naruto seemed a bit lost because he kept looking at Kakashi and me like we were speaking a different language. "Sakura are they flirting?"

The pink-haired girl, who is now known as Sakura, giggled but didn't say anything. The Uchiha kid's body was here but his mind was somewhere else. He didn't seem to care about anything going on here. Kakashis face remained neutral, like usual.

"No kid," I sighed, "That is what us adults call sarcasm."

Wait, were we flirting? I don't know…

"Miss do you want your mission taken care of today or not?" asked the chūnin. He was starting to get a little bit pissed off. Oh well, I don't blame him. He's been listening in on our random conversation for a while.

I turned to fully face the chūnin and responded, "Yes I do."

The chūnin stood up from the table and slowly began to walk toward the door near the table. "Well then, Team 7 your next mission is to assist this young woman," responded the chūnin while clenching his teeth. "Have fun," he responded and slammed the door shut as he left the room.

There was an awkward silence.

I looked back at Team 7 and groaned. I felt like banging my head against the wall. This is not a good day to be me. I don't want to spend the whole day with Kakashi and his little bundles of joy. I can barely stand Toshiro, imagine dealing with three more kids?

Fuck my life.

"Hisako…" began Kakashi as he took out his semi-new copy of Make-out Paradise, "How can we help you today? I can help satisfy your utmost desires as you would put it."

Times like these I wish I had lazer beam vision.

Sakura's face turned bright red and she giggled again. She's starting to get a bit annoying now.

Naruto scratched his head, "What's so funny?"

This kid is so clueless.

The Uchiha kid snorted.

This kid needs to take his head out of his ass.

I kept a stern face and responded, "Well Kakashi _sensei _I need you and your marvelous group of genin to find a black leather-bound journal a lost while ago…"

"Wait, wait, " interrupted Naruto. "How is this going to help me become Hokage? Why can't you just go look for it yourself and stop wasting our time?"

I felt like locking the kid in a headlock but immediately dismissed the though. He's got me there. Oh well, if I were in his position I would probably ask the same thing.

"Well first of all, you are twelve. You have a really long way to go. Second of all I'm crippled," I lifted my retard leg, "I can't walk as fast as you. Third of all, I have a store to take care of so I don't have time to go running around town looking for it. Fourth of all, why should I when there are healthy little genin willing to do it for me in exchange for a bit of money."

Naruto snorted, "Yeah, Kakashi senseis porno-book-addiction money."

"Exactly," I responded. "Money well spent right Kakashi?"

He ignored my remark and, without removing his gaze from Make-out Paradise, asked, "Where do you think this mysterious journal is?"

I stood up and limped closer to Kakashis genin. "Well it's either within a five mile radius of the outskirt wood area of Konoha, at the park, or in the cemetery by my Uncle Kiyoshi's grave."

"Alright, are there any specific instructions as to how we are to handle your valued possession?" Kakashi still hadn't lifted his eyes from his stupid pervert book, which was really pissing me off.

"I'm glad you asked, Kakashi."

I limped over to him, snatched the book from his hand, and shut it. Kakashi was in complete and utter shock along with his three young genin. His expression was priceless and completely made up for the hours of torture in my parents bookshop.

"My specific instructions are that you are not to read Make-out Paradise while searching for my journal." I held it tightly across my chest and continued, "I'll be keeping it just in case."

Kakashi looked at me like he just lost the will to live. I bet he feels like I just ripped the soul out of his body. This is the best day EVER. I can die in peace now.

I'm such a horrible person but I'm loving every minute of this.

"Do you want my spleen as well, Hisako?" he retorted with bitter sarcasm.

I laughed. "Don't be so glum, Kakashi… but there is one last thing, which is the most important of all. Gather around children because it's so top secret that I need to whisper it to you."

Naruto rolled his eyes, Sakura's face was overwhelmed with curiosity, the Uchiha kid grimaced, but they surrounded me anyway. "The most important rule of all is that none of you can read it, especially Kakashi."

"Any particular reason why?"

I glared at Kakashi and responded, "It's full of future plots to make your life miserable. They won't be any fun if you know about them already."

"Is this one of them?" asked Naruto with an amused grin.

I pursed my lips. "I don't know… Kakashi, does this make your life miserable?"

"Just a little."

I looked back the fresh batch of genin and smiled. "Then yes it is."

"Pity," Kakashi replied. "I thought you confessed your true feelings for me. What a shame."

Naruto snickered, Sakura giggled (again), and the Uchiha kid rolled his eyes.

"Sorry to disappoint," I responded dryly.

Every time I think I've got the advantage, Kakashi just ends up being one step ahead of me. Damn him and his perverted yet genius mind.

Kakashi sighed. "Fine Hisako… have it your way but I have my own condition."

I crossed my arms in front of my shoulders with his copy of Make-out Paradise still pressed against my chest. "Fine, humor me. What is it?"

"You have to come with us."

There was a short awkward silence between us. Sakura seemed a bit too anxious to know my answer. Naruto looked like he just wanted to get over with the mission already. Sasuke had the same fuck-off look which really made me want to knock some sense into him. Kakashi just stood there with his usual neutral stance.

Sometimes I truly wonder why I have such horrible luck.

"No," I responded flatly. Slowly, my feet made their way toward the door as I continued, "Like I said, I have a store to run."

"And I have genin to train," retorted Kakashi with his eyes sparkling with mischief. "I could just as easily report your journal permanently missing…"

Damn you Hatake.

"You wouldn't do that!"

Before I could even blink, Kakashi was leaning on the exit door. He cocked his head and smiled, "Try me."

I sighed, "You are acting like a kid. Trust me, I'm doing you a favor by taking away Make-out Paradise."

He still wouldn't budge from the door. "Give me my book back and you don't have to come with us."

I clutched the book harder and growled, "Read my lips Kakashi. Over. My. Dead. Body. Now move, I need to get back to the bookstore."

"Give me the book then."

I was seriously contemplating on throwing a fit but how would that help? I think Kakashi is a bit used to tantrums. It would probably just annoy him and make matters ten times worst. Fits usually only work on Kiyoshi thought since Toshiro has sort of softened him up for me…

"I said no!"

"You are both being childish," spoke up the Uchiha kid. "Will you just go with us so we can get this ridiculous mission over with? Believe it or not, it would actually help us find it faster."

Why is the twelve-year-old genin the mature one in the room? I thought that was my job since I'm technically an adult now.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and said, "Fine, but I'm keeping the book until I get my journal back. Got that?"

Kakashi shrugged, "Your choice." He stood up straight and took the initiative.

As we were leaving the room, I heard Naruto behind me ask, "Sakura chan, are they still flirting?"

This time, Sakura laughed instead of giggling like an annoying fan girl.

I'm on the same boat Naruto is.

Am I flirting?

… Nah.


	5. Doll Parts

**"How we need that security! How we need another soul to cling to, another body to keep us warm. To rest and trust; to give your soul in confidence: I need this, I need someone to pour myself into. Maybe I need a man. One sure thing, I haven't met him yet…" **

**–Sylvia Plath.**

It's really hard not to have a shoulder to cry on.

Believe it or not, even weirdos like me need someone to whine and moan to.

My parents might as well be puppets. They have never cared about anything but their relationship and Toshiro.

My Uncle is dead.

Kiyoshi is as good as gone.

My journal is an empty shell which I have to fill with my pathetic life story. It's my little magic mirror. I can analyze my past, complain about the present, and hope for a better future with it…

In the end though, paper and ink can't beat human comfort… now that I think about it, it's not much of a guy magnet either.

Not by a long shot…

Ever since I was a pre-teen, I knew I wasn't ever going to be able to get by with just good looks. I saw girls around me blooming like cherry blossoms during spring. They lost their baby fat and were beginning to grow into their natural feminine curves. As time passed by, they lost the gleam of innocence in their pretty eyes.

Puberty hit them hard… but for some reason I managed to remain just the same. Sure I got taller and my hair got wavy, but my chest remained flat, my waist kept its straight boyish figure, and my eyes continued to gleam like the naïve puppy I was.

I noticed the chemistry flowing around between the chunin but I never took a part of it. I focused on books since, after all, my parents were the owners of a bookstore. Instead of learning about the rules of dating, I learned about different perspectives and opinions on this simple thing called life.

I read Nietzche, Kafka, Sexton, Plath, Shakespeare, Neruda, Lorca, Hesse… but I never really found a solid answer I liked. When I became unsatisfied with literature, I moved on to perfecting my shinobi skills. I had no special kekkei genkai or skill but I had determination, which was good enough for me.

My brother helped me train until he married Ishiko but then, all of a sudden, the dating game caught up with me again. I began to listen in on the usual "who's-with-who" gossip once in a while but I was never the topic… until I hit sixteen.

I was a chunin and I had honestly given up on ever having any sort of relationship. Sure my chest had actually grown but my waist kept its straight boyish figure. I looked more like a warrior than a feminine beauty with my short curly hair and anti-social attitude but a brave chunin from the sand village actually asked me out during the chunin exams.

It was a long distance relationship but it was a nice and stable one. He came to visit me once every three months and I did the same. We wrote letters as often as we could… it was sweet. He never told me that he loved me and I never told him that I did… but he was the only person I had.

He was stable… which is good right?

Right.

* * *

**"There have been two great accidents in my life. One was the trolley, and the other was Diego. Diego was by far the worst." –Frida Kahlo**

Today has been the longest day in my whole entire life. I am extremely tired from dragging my feet across town looking for my stupid journal. I was honestly at the brink of telling Kakashi to forget about it and just take off back home.

We started off in the outskirts of the village since smarty-pants Uchiha decided it was better to start outward and end inside the city. Sakura immediately agreed and practically dragged Naruto along. He kept complaining about why we let Sasuke "take over" this mission. He wouldn't stop whining about it until I told him to shut up.

I honestly didn't give a fuck and I think Kakashi was on the same boat with me on this one. Let the smart ass flaunt his greatness as much as he wants as long as I get my journal back as soon as possible.

After about two hours of wandering aimlessly around the forest I was ready to just fall on the grass and quit, especially since Naruto made it into some kind of pointless competition against the Uchiha prodigy. He keeps trying to prove how much of an amazing shinobi he is but somehow always ends up screwing himself over.

Poor kid.

This is why I never tried to get the spotlight on myself while I was a genin or chunin. Somehow I knew I would make an idiot out of myself eventually. I've never been much of a leader anyway.

We moved on to the park and after another hour of pointlessly wandering around, I sat down under the nearest tree and dramatically proclaimed, "I can't keep up… go on without me!"

Kakashi extended his hand and I thought he was going to try to help me up but instead he said, "My book?"

I glared at him and shook my head.

He smiled, "Then I guess you can keep up with us!"

I groaned, inwardly cursed Kakashi to the fiery pits of shinobi hell, and continued to follow them around for what seemed an eternity. I felt like a dog looking for its owner. Yeah, it's pretty bad when I'm comparing myself to a dog and my journal to a human being.

After another couple of hours of aimlessly walking around the park, we moved on to the cemetery. Once we reached the cemetery I let myself fall on the nearest patch of empty grass.

The three genin were far ahead so the only one who saw me dramatically let myself fall on the grass was Kakashi. He walked closer to me and gave me an inquisitive look.

"After carefully considering all options for the past couple of gruesome hours," I reluctantly muttered as I kept my gaze up at the clear blue sky, "I have solemnly concluded that I cannot keep a man from his personal needs." I lifted the book toward him and continued, "Here you go… now can you please sit next to me as I recharge my battery."

There was no chuckle or mocking laugh from Kakashi. I felt the book slowly leave my grasp and his body lay down next to mine. There was an awkward silence for a couple of minutes.

"So… how's life?"

What a pathetic way to start a conversation… oh well it's something.

"Boring," he replied.

There was another awkward silence. Wow, I never noticed how much Kakashi sucked at conversing with others. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.

I shifted my head toward him and noticed that he was reading "Make-out Paradise" so I attempted once again to start conversation. "How's the book?"

"Not boring."

Okay, now I'm starting to get mad.

"Will you say something for once?"

Kakashi didn't remove his gaze from his perverted fantasy book. "Something for once."

I groaned, "Stop being such a smartass… You know what I meant."

"You want a… conversation…"

"Uhu.."

"From… me?"

Kakashi said that as if I just asked him to shave his head off. Hasn't anyone ever had a random conversation with him? Jeez… how anti-social is this guy?

"Yes Kakashi," I replied. "I want to have a conversation with you, if that's not too much to ask from your royal highness."

"Okay…" he paused, turned the page, and replied, "How… umm… how are you? That's generally how you begin a conversation, right?"

I shot him an incredulous look.

Wow, that was pretty weak…. Even for him.

I couldn't help but ask, "Are you socially retarded or something?"

"No… I'm not used to starting a conversation."

Yeah, he's socially retarded.

I sighed, "Okay then… How about we do this: I'll ask you a question, you answer, and vise versa. Got it?"

Kakashi nods but he doesn't close "Make-out Paradise".

I hate him and his multi-tasking ways. They annoy me so.

"Okay… do you ever rest?"

"No," he instantly replied.

"Are you sure?"

"Well, since you want a detailed answer, physically, yes. Mentally, no."

I rolled my eyes. I sometimes forget that he's an ex Anbu captain. Those guys never sleep. I've always wondered what kind of mask Kakashi got to use. Maybe that should be my next question.

"… okay. Your turn."

He turned another page. "What do you do during your spare time."

"Sleep," I instantly replied. "I never got much sleep during my shinobi years so I'm trying to catch up with past dues."

"What about Arashi?"

My heart began to race.

I tried to play it cool.

"Who?"

Kakashi persisted, "The Sand Jounin…"

I turned my head and faced the sky. Why in the hell did Kakashi have to bring him up? Damn it. I finally managed to stop thinking about him… Wait how does he even know about him? … Kiyoshi must have said something. That little-

"Your boy—"

I instantly interrupted him, "He's not my boyfriend… well he hasn't been for the past three years."

There was a slight pause.

"Did he break up with you?"

I grimaced and placed my hands under my head. "No…"

I really wish he had though. It would make me feel less guilty and shitty about our past relationship.

"Why?"

"Personal reasons… isn't it my turn to ask a question?"

He turned a page. "We have finally started a good conversation and you want to change the subject?"

Yes. I'm the one suppose to be squeezing information out of you, not the other way around.

I sighed. "Look, what we are talking about is really personal."

"Talk to me about it. Conversations are had in order to get to know other people, right?"

I shifted my head in order to face him. "Look, I haven't even talked about this with Kiyoshi or my friends so why should I talk to you about this?"

Kakashi miraculously closed his book, looked me dead in the eye, and smiled. "It will make good conversation."

I couldn't help but smile back. "You're crazy… I don't even know you well enough to talk about my personal issues with you."

"Who am I going to tell?"

He's got a point. After all, the poor guy can't even start a simple conversation. Damn you and your reasoning skills Kakashi.

"That's not the issue."

"Then what is?"

I shifted my head up toward the sky and crossed my legs. "I don't exactly talk about my feelings. I'm not an open book…That's just not my thing."

"You can start now."

I sighed. "Why are you so persistent about this?"

"You wanted a conversation, didn't you?"

I hate to admit this but he's got a point. Plus he even closed his book so he must be really interested. I don't think he's ever done that before… well don't I just feel special?

"I think I liked you better when you were reading your book… but okay. You seem innocent enough so listen closely 'cause it's story time."

Okay, so how can I make this sound as vague possible? There is no way I'm telling Kakashi the whole story. As much as I doubt he's going to tell anyone about this, I still don't trust him enough for the whole story…

"Well I broke it off with him about three years ago… He didn't really do anything wrong. I just…" Damn it, I need to come up with some good bullshit. "I felt like we were getting too serious." God, I'm horrible. "I felt like I wasn't his type." I'm going to hell for that one. "We were too a like… and that's not always a good thing." Even more bullshit. I'm a big, crippled, liar. This is just such a nice personal resume.

"How so?"

I bit my lip, sat up, but didn't look at Kakashi. My face would betray me if I did. "Look, can we really change the subject? I really don't want to talk about this. There is a reason why I don't talk to anyone about this. It's just one big horrible memory that I've been working really hard to forget about for three years. He was too good for me. End of story… I just-"

Before I could finish my sentence I see three exhausted Naruto's run toward us. Saved by the genin. Thank God. I stand up as quickly as possible and limp over to the three Naruto's.

Two of them poof off and the original one drops on the grass, gasping for air. Before I could ask anything Naruto explained, " Couldn't… find… journal… beat… Sasuke… searched everywhere…"

I groaned.

This is not good…

"Maybe Sasuke or Sakura found it," suggested Kakashi from behind.

My stomach churned. I feel like dropping into fetal position and hope that the dirt could somehow swallow me whole. I felt exposed and I hated it… and it wasn't just because I lost my journal. Kakashi knows about Arashi. Someone knows that deep inside I'm just a soul-less bitch who deserves what happened to her.

I didn't notice when the Uchiha kid and Sakura arrived until Kakashi asked, "Did you two find anything."

The Uchiha kid shook his head and replied, "It's as good as gone."

Sakura lowered her gaze and muttered an apology.

I could feel my knees slowly begin to shake. I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. I closed my eyes. It's only a book. It's only a book. It's only a book.

I really need a cigarette right now. Where is Hikaru when I need him? Where are all of my friends in general when I need them?

I opened my eyes and saw three confused genin and a one-eyed silver poofy-haired jounin still there, curiously gazing at my emotionally tattered state. I took another deep breath and said, "It's okay…"

I could tell none of them believed me but I didn't care. Believing in me isn't in their job description. "It's okay…" Somehow I felt like the one I was trying to reassure wasn't Naruto, Sakura, Uchiha, or Kakashi… "It was just a stupid journal full of bad memories anyway..."

"Is there anywhere else you think it might be?" asked Sakura.

My eyes were beginning to water and my body was starting to shiver. If I don't get out of here I think I'll explode. I need to end this… now. I quickly shook my head and blinked away the increasing sting of emotions ready to betray me at any given second.

"No..." my voice cracked. I cleared my throat and continued as slowly and clearly as possible, "Someone probably took it… Don't worry about it." I tried to smile but failed miserably. "You did what you could…"

Why do I feel like everything around me is falling? I should be happy that stupid thing is gone. Like I told the silly genin and McPerv Kakashi… it's just full of bad memories… Memories I need to forget. A past I need to just get over.

"I've got to go…"

I turned away from them and limped away as fast as I possibly could, which still wasn't that fast since I could hear Naruto say, "Kakashi sensei, what did you do to her? She looks scared… did she accidentally catch a glimpse of your book or something?"

If I didn't feel so crappy, I would have probably found that hilarious.

I had made outside the cemetery but before I could make it very far, I heard someone running after me. I didn't even try to walk faster because even if I did, I knew he or she would catch up to me either way. The pink haired genin ran in front of me and pretty much forced me to stop.

"Can I walk home with you?" Sakura asked a bit sheepishly.

Somehow I felt that Kakashi set her up for this.

I sighed. "No Sakura, go home. This is probably the first day you've ever been excused from a mission early. Go sleep or something… you probably need it. I know from experience."

I was about to walk past her but she intervened again. "Please," she persisted. "I don't want to walk home with Naruto and…" Her eyes began to shift around like she was looking for an excuse to stall me. "…I need another book!"

I can't believe Kakashi is forcing this kid to lie to me… just so… well I don't know what he's planning off of this but whatever. Maybe it isn't good if I go home alone. I could actually stop at the smoke shop, buy a pack of cigarettes, and smoke them all instead. He knows me all to well and it's starting to scare me a bit.

"Fine then…" I reluctantly agreed. I really want a cigarette but I know they aren't good for me… Plus I promised Hikaru I would only smoke with him since it's our dirty little secret addiction.

We walked in an awkward silence. Guilt was slowly starting to grow inside of me like a little invisible monster. I can't believe I actually feel bad for selling her the dirty romance novel. Sakura isn't that much of an embarrassment to the female gender. She's twelve after all. What does she know about self-respect and dignity? At that age I don't think anyone gives a fuck about any of those things.

"Sakura?"

She snapped out of her little fantasyland full of ponies, cotton candy, and rainbows and looked up. "Yes?"

"Have you started reading that book you bought from me a while ago?"

Sakura scratched her cheek and blushed. "I haven't really had time… but I'll start on it tonight!"

My face twitched a little. "Don't do that…"

"Why…"

"Because," I quickly interrupted, "I just remembered that it got a lot of bad reviews…" I began to shift my eyes around and continued, "and I read it a while ago and didn't like it so yeah… Just bring it back to me when you can and I'll give you another one…"

Sakura seemed a bit confused but she didn't seem to question my motives. "Okay… Thank you."

There was another awkward silence between us. The streets of Konoha were strangely empty today… maybe everyone is actually at work today or something. I honestly didn't know what to talk to about with her. She seems like the type of girl who would spend most of her time on looks and boys. What do I say to someone like that?

"What book would you recommend?" she asked out of the blue.

My heart jumped a little. Well at least she's good at starting conversations. "Hmm… let me think for a second." Well what do I know about this kid… more like what impression do I get from her. That would probably help. With Kakashi, it's a bit hard to stereotype but Sakura is a bit of an open book. Plus the looks she kept giving the Uchiha prodigy didn't exactly help me place her in a better stereotype.

"Do you like poetry?"

Sakura scratched her cheek. "Well yes… but it's really hard to understand it most of the time…"

"Here's a little tip: read poetry in the order they were written chronologically while you read the poet's autobiography, biography, or published journal. Once you understand their life, you'll understand their poetry."

"What does their life have to do with their poetry?"

I was literally about to smack this girl behind the head but I stopped my hand in it's tracks. No hand, you can't hit a random girl you just met no matter how ridiculously clueless she is.

I snorted, "More like what doesn't their poetry have to do with their life. Sakura, poetry is like a little code an author writes in order to express their true feelings about their current situation… I mean that's what writing is all about! Expressing your feelings."

Sakura still seemed a little bit confused so I tried again. "Think of poetry as a literary puzzle and it's the reader's job to decipher it in order to understand how the poet feels... Does that make some sort of sense?"

"Poetry is a feeling expressed in a literary puzzle…" she repeated. "But… why do people have to make it so hard to understand them? I mean… why not just tell someone straight out how you feel?"

I shrugged. "I guess you can say there are certain people who believe that others won't understand them… the beauty of poetry is that the people who actually care will take the time to decipher their little riddle and understand."

I paused and looked up at the pretty blue sky. "It's not that they don't want to be understood… they just want to know who cares enough to try to understand them…"

"So…" persisted Sakura. "Does everything an author or a poet writes have to do with their life?"

"Well…" I scratched my head. This kid asks a lot of questions for a twelve-year-old. "Not exactly. It might be influenced in someway by their life but it doesn't always specifically have to do with their life…"

"Okay…"

I could tell Sakura was beginning to get confused. " Just remember that when you're trying understand poetry, you have to understand the poet's past in order to understand their present and their riddles… got it?"

"Yes."

No, she doesn't. I can tell by her reluctant answer and flustered face but it's okay. I'm gonna make it easy on her and give her poetry from an author who was extremely similar to the stereotypical shallow teenage girl.

"I'll make it easy on you and give you the poets collected poetry and her unabridged journal," I smiled. "I promise you'll love her."

Sakura reluctantly smiled back. "Okay… thank you."

"No problem."

Don't thank me, I'm actually doing the world a favor by filling your empty head with much needed knowledge. If Kakashi can't get your head out of make-up and boys then I sure as hell will.

I would have made one hell of a sensei. I would have not only trained the hell out of these brats but I would have cultured them with philosophy and literature… I would have… well it doesn't matter what I would have done.

I'm no longer a shinobi.


	6. Cigarette Butts and Other Random Stuff

**Well here's an update. **

**:]**

**I feel like I'm getting better at this. **

**Anyway, thanks for reading!**

**Please leave a review. **

**They help me improve and make my day.**

"I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo."

-Sylvia Plath

Days were beginning to pass by like years. It was the same boring routine over and over again. I saw the mousy intellectual ask for a "life-changing" book. Aisle 1, sweetheart, right under the "how-to" books. I saw the reluctant student ask for his assigned book. Sorry kid, all out. Your classmates beat you to the punch. I saw the helpless romantic ask for heartwarming poetry. No problem dear, I have a book so romantic that it'll make you question your boyfriends fidelity.

Oh I saw everyone all right… well, everyone except Kakashi. I didn't really mind the first couple of days. The solitary person in me loved these few moments alone. Plus, I don't exactly know what to say to him now… I guess I kind of scared him away with my whole ex-boyfriend rant… Well it's not my fault! He's the one that asked…

After two weeks, I began to worry. Well mostly because the store had become extremely boring. For some reason, I had sudden urges to just walk around and hope I would "bump" into him but… I never actually went through with it.

I'm bored, not desperate.

Today was Kiyoshi's last day home. He was leaving for a mission tomorrow so he decided to come home and stuff his face with food before he left. I didn't really mind… this would just give me time to gather the courage to "randomly" ask him about Kakashi and not sound desperate… or something of that sort.

I was reading downstairs in the bookstore since I couldn't stand being upstairs with everyone. Their merry night was way to loud for my taste. I didn't feel like celebrating another boring Thursday night with my parents, Kiyoshi, Hisako, and little Toshiro. I just didn't want to play pretend anymore.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I sighed and flipped the page.

I really want a cigarette right now… See this is what happens when I don't have my journal. I get cigarette cravings… which are bad. Those only happen when I'm really stressed out. If I had my journal, this wouldn't be happening. I tried buying a new one but it just wasn't the same.

I felt extremely uneasy that my journal was out in the world pouring my secrets to some unknown critic. Those words were suppose to be for my eyes only. No one is suppose to know how I truly feel about my surroundings… the people around me. No one should know what is going on in my head!

I flipped another page. I bit my lip and began to tap my fingers on the counter as I tried to understand what was going on in the book I was half way through with. I got frustrated when I realized that I wasn't paying attention for the past ten pages since I was too busy ranting to myself about my stupid journal.

Just great.

I groaned, shut the book, and slammed it on the counter. I laid my head on the counter and cursed, "Damn it!"

Before I could proceed to continuously slam my head against the wooden counter, I heard footsteps coming down the stairs. "Hisako, aren't you gonna go eat with everyone?"

Before Kiyoshi could get closer to me I turned my head to face the opposite direction. I didn't want him to see me pissed off for no reason whatsoever.

"No, I'm not hungry."

What I really wanted to say was: no, I don't want to deal with your psycho wife and insatiable mother at the moment. Just go away, now.

"Are you sure? You seem really out of it lately…"

I heard him scoot a chair closer to mine and sit down. Great, he wants a conversation. You've gotta be fucking kidding me. Of all of the days he chooses to want to actually have a conversation with me it's today. Now all of a sudden he actually cares. Well, fuck you Kiyoshi. You aren't getting a word out of me. Over my dead body.  
"No I'm fine…"

"Did Kakashi come in and ask for another one of his herculean-book-craves or something?"

I wish. I don't think I'd feel this bad if he had. I wouldn't be this bored if he had… At least I would have known that I didn't scare him away. I lost my journal and I don't think I can stand losing the last person I can still have some sort of real communication with that doesn't involve my past.

"No… which is kind of weird…"

All right this is my chance to ask without sounding suspicious… now go!

"Do you know if he's on some sort of really long mission?"

There was silence.

I didn't know if I should take this as a good or bad sign. I sure as hell knew I wasn't going to turn around and face him. Like I said, I didn't want to talk to him.

"Well I heard he took on a C-rank mission with his genin… I think he's suppose to return later on this week…"

I felt relieved that the reason Kakashi hasn't come to the bookstore wasn't because he hated me or thought I was some kind of freakish crippled person. He was just out for a mission… a really really long mission which has nothing to do with our awkward encounter.

"Oh… okay…" I sighed.

There was an awkward silence.

There seem to be a lot of those between Kiyoshi and me lately. I don't take it as a good sign. We are starting to slowly stray from each other, little by little everyday and these silences are proof.

"Are you sure you are okay?"

I grunted in response.

"You aren't getting sick, are you?"

Depends what kind of sick you're referring to.

"No," I lied.

Since when have I become such a liar?

"Well…" Kiyoshi paused. "I know something that might make you feel better…"

If he expects me to turn around and excitedly ask, he's sorely mistaken.

I won't turn around.

No.

"Well, Hikaru is back and he asked me to tell you…"

Before he could finish his sentence, I knew what he was going to say. I stood up and began to quickly limp out of the store. This gives me an excuse to end this awkward conversation as quickly as possible. Finally some good luck!

"Hisako? Hey, where are you—"

I shut the door behind me and continued to limp away as quickly as possible.

* * *

"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." -Bernard Meltzer

Hikaru is one of those closet rebels who everyone loves. All of the people we considered "adults" when we were kids thought he was the purest, most innocent male in our genin generation and they trusted him. If we ever wanted to get away with anything, we would have Hikaru vouch for us and all was forgiven. Usually he was actually the one who would propose the mischievous plot for the night. We all knew who he really was though.

Hikaru is a part of the Yamanaka clan, which explains his blonde hair and light blue eyes. I have never understood why he hates his light features so much. When he was younger, his hair was so soft and long… he worked at the Yamanaka flower shop too. A lot of kids teased him for that. I mean he was in a genin team with two girls, his sensei was a woman, and he worked in a flower shop. He pretended that it didn't bother him but I knew it did.

Unfortunately, when he turned sixteen his rebel genes kicked in a bit more and he chopped off his long silky hair and quit working at the shop. That same year, he became a chunin along with myself and took up a smoking habit. Unfortunately I joined him but I was never as bad as him. He smoked at least a pack a week and the amount has probably increased by now…

Smoking has always been our dirty little secret, a Hisako-Hikaru thing. Every two weeks we would smoke a cigarette and just talk about random stuff. I trust Hikaru, but I never tell him everything that's going on with me… and I know he does the same…. Anyway I'm not sure how, but we have managed to keep our filthy habit on the down low. Maybe our amazing shinobi skills are helping.

I saw Hikaru over at our usual meeting spot; the memorial stone… or stoners rock as everyone in our genin generation likes to call it. We don't mean disrespect, but during our genin era, everyone would go there to smoke a cigarette. For some reason that place had some sort of calming effect over anyone that visits…. Well that is if he or she smokes a cigarette.

"You're late," muttered Hikaru as he slowly released smoke from his nostrils and mouth.

I had finally reached the rock after an excruciating long walk toward our "usual spot" and all I receive is a "You're late"? What a douche bag.

"I know…" I sat down next to Kiyoshi and leaned on memorial rock. "Kiyoshi didn't tell me you were here until like twenty minutes ago."

He flicked the ash off of the tip of his cigarette and laughed, "Damn you're slow."

"Give me a break here…" I pouted. "I'm a poor little cripple."

Hikaru takes a deep drag from his cigarette, breathes in, then slowly exhaled. It looked like he was having a mini orgasm. Is it sad that I'm beginning to crave one already? I've only been here for less than a minute and the smell is already making my mouth water.

"Did you bring my pack?"

He snorts. "I shouldn't have. Menthols are shit…but yeah," he throws me the pack, "I brought them."

Without thinking, my left hand quickly catches the pack and takes out a cigarette. With shaky hands of anticipation, I instantly place it in my mouth and Hikaru automatically lights it with his small lighter called Mukashi mukashi (or Mu for short). It took a while to light it since there was a slight chilly wind out tonight but the wait was so worth it. I take the first hit and my lungs fill with the sweet deadly toxins. My body becomes less stiff, my muscles relax like they've never relaxed before, and my head no longer felt like it was about to explode. I felt like the whole world was instantly lifted off of my shoulders.

I exhaled. "We're horrible people."

Hikaru snorted. "How so? We aren't hurting anyone."

I started at my menthol and smiled, "We're slowly dying one cigarette at a time… and the sad part is we're loving every second of it."

"Technically, everyone is slowly dying…" he took another drag and exhaled. "We're just speeding up the process," he finished sweetly.

I turned my head toward Hikaru and he turned his head toward me. We both laughed. It was almost as if we were stupid genin rebelling against the system again.

"So how have you been kid?"

I'm older than him yet he still calls me kid. How typical of him.

I sighed, "Nothing… I've just been stressing out a lot."

"Why?"

In order to make time to come up with bullshit, I took a deep drag from my cigarette and kept the smoke in for as long as I possibly could. Hikaru doesn't know of my journal. If he did, I bet he would demand to read it. If I would decline he would get hurt and I don't exactly want to piss off my remaining comrades. He would think I was keeping secrets from him, which I obviously am. He would probably stop trusting me… I don't think I would be able to bear it.

I slowly exhaled the cigarette smoke and replied, "Ishiko being a bitch and making my life miserable. My mother reminding me each and everyday what a pathetic excuse of a woman I am… yep, the usual."

Hikaru laughed and with his free hand ran his fingers through his hair. "Is that it? Man kid, you need to get out more."

I laughed.

If only he knew.

"What about you Hikaru?"

"Hmm…" He took a small drag and quickly exhaled. "Let me finish this and I'll tell you. I need time to think."

I grinned, "And you say I need to get out more."

Hikaru rolled his eyes and kept his cigarette close to his mouth. "Hey, I'm out there risking my life everyday. All you've gotta do is run a book store. I don't have time to socialize or actually do something productive."

He took another drag and flicked off the ashes.

"Right now, I would rather be in constant danger than in my house living the stereotypical superficial life of a crippled girl."

I took a deep drag from my menthol and looked up at the sky. The stars were so pretty tonight… especially out here where there was minimum light pollution. I slowly exhaled and the sky was covered with a veil of deadly white smoke. My hands are numb. Is it sad that I find this to feel really good?

"I'm sorry kid… I didn't mean it that way."

I kept my gaze up at the sky. "Yeah… I'm sorry too…"

There was an awkward silence between us… one of the very rare times we actually have awkward silences but today just seems to be full of them. Maybe I've just become an awkward person to be around with in general. How depressing. Maybe I've been hanging around with Kakashi a bit too much.

"So I hear you've been hanging out with Kakashi," he laughs.

Well speak of the devil. Now it was my turn to roll my eyes and take a drag from my cigarette. Damn you Kiyoshi, you gossiping little…

I turned my head in order to face Hikaru's grinning face, exhaled, and said, "Yeah, you've got a problem with that?"

He put his arm around my shoulders and said, "Damn kid, you don't have to get so defensive about it."

I rested my head on his arm and groaned. "Sorry… it's just that it seems that I have to defend myself against everyone one now a days…"

He took a drag from his cigarette. "How so?"

"I can't do anything without anyone judging me for it…."

"For example?"

I crossed my legs and flicked the ashes off of my cigarette. "Well… Kakashi is a regular in the shop and he comes in there about once a week to replace his tattered copy of Make-out Paradise. He usually spends the whole day in the shop asking me to look up books on random stupid topics."

I took another drag and noticed my cigarette was as good as gone. As I exhaled I turned it off with my the tip of my fingers and put the butt next to me. Why does it always seem like these never last? Curse you cigarettes!

"That's interesting… I didn't think Kakashi was much of a socializer."

"I get the same reaction from everyone… anyway, because of this Ishiko thinks he's trying to get in my pants or something…"

Hikaru shrugs and says, "Want one of my cigarettes? I got them from the Sand and they're pretty strong."

I grimaced when he mentioned the Sand Village. Great, just when I got Arashi out of my mind, Hikaru has to mention him again. "I'd rather not."

He shakes the pack in front of my face and says, "Are you suuure? They'll fuck you up better than those crappy menthols."

"Positive."

Hikaru shrugs and lights one for himself. He takes a quick drag and says, "So, the chunnin exams are coming up. Excited to see Arashi?"

I punch his shoulder as hard as I can without breaking his arm. Just because I've crippled one of my legs doesn't mean I can't still give a mean punch.

He coughs and begins to massage his bruised arm. "Hisako, what the hell? I was being sarcastic!"

I glared at him, swiped his pack, and took a cigarette. "I know you were being sarcastic but do you really have to mention him? Don't you know I know the chunin exams are coming up?"

Hikaru gave me a sad smile and lit my cigarette. "Come on… you know I'm just teasing you. Don't take it up the butt….so how are you going to avoid him this time? I don't think your parents are willing to hide you anymore…"

I took a deep drag. Instantly, my eyes began to water and I began cough my lungs out. My lungs felt like they were on fire. Damn, these things really are strong.

He pats my back a bit too hard and says, "Told you they were strong. Take it easy next time."

I nod and clear my throat. "I know… my mom wants to get grandchildren out of me and if that means sacrificing me then so be it…"

Hikaru laughed and took a drag from his cigarette. "You make it sounds like she's selling you into slavery."

"She might as well be," I took a drag. "I won't be happy with him."

"How do you know?"

I snorted. "What do you mean 'how do I know'? I went out with him for two years, trust me I know."

"I don't know… you seemed pretty happy when you were with him…"

I took another drag and kept it in as long as possible. "Seemed is the key word Hikaru."

"Hmm…" he flicked the cigarette ash and said, "Well, why don't you pretend to date someone."

I groaned. I wish it were that easy. "That might fool Arashi but it won't fool the parents." I took another deep puff out of my cancer stick.

"True, true…"

I exhaled slowly. "Can we stop talking about this? It's putting me on a bad mood."

Hikaru turned his the cigarette of with his fingers and sighed, "Fine, fine…"

My head began to hurt. I closed my eyes and slowly began to rub my temples. Maybe this cigarette wasn't such a good idea.

"Hisako?"

"Yeah?" I took a last drag from the cigarette and hoped it would work it's magic and calm my headache.

"What if Kakashi _does _like you?"

**Sorry for the abrupt ending. **

**I had to cut it off somewhere.**


	7. Something About Us

_I'm back home. _

_This is probably why I'm updating so much. _

_Anyway, here's another part. _

_Please leave a review and enjoy._

**"If this is a crush, then I don't know if I could take the real thing if it happens." -Unknown**

There was an intense thirty-second silence and then I busted out laughing. "That was a good one Hikaru!" I continued to laugh for another thirty seconds but Hikaru stayed dead silent.

"Kid, I'm dead serious. What if Kakashi does like you more than a friend… or whatever the hell you two are."

I turned off the cigarette and shook my head, "Nah, Kakashi could do way better than me."

Hikaru laughed, "No offense Hisako but I highly doubt that. Sure… maybe looks wise he can but his social skills drag him waaaay down."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, let's just say you and Kakashi are completely oblivious to everything that happens around both of you… relationship wise. He probably likes you… but doesn't really know it yet..."

I scratched my head and tried to make sense of what he just tried to explain. "Sorry but you make no sense. Explain your reasoning."

Hikaru sighed and began to take another cigarette out of his pack. "Fine, fine but I'm gonna need another cigarette for this."

I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms in front of my stomach.

He closed his eyes, lit the cigarette, and took his first drag. "Some people are different than others." Smoke came out as he spoke but he still had to exhale the rest. "They just don't "ask" other people out on dates."

Hikaru took another drag but let this one rest a bit longer in his lungs. "They find people interesting for whatever reason and just being around that person for a whole day is sort of like a date." He opened his eyes and slowly exhaled

"Well we hang around each other all day sometimes… Does that mean we're dating?"

Hikaru snorted. "Pfft. No. We're friends and that has been established between us about.. oh I don't know... nine years ago! With people that lack social skills, everything is different."

He took a quick drag and continued, "I mean, they go out of their way to do something that they don't usually do for people. That's got to mean something…"

He exhaled the little that was left and cleared his throat. "More than friends wise that is." He paused for a second and shifted his attention toward the ground. "I mean, Kakashi's got friends... I think... I don't know..." He paused again and then nodded, "Yeah, I'm sure he's got friends."

"Anyway, I don't think he goes out of his way to spend a whole day with them." He took a deep drag from his cigarette and held it in for what seemed like an eternity.

Honestly it was starting to bug me a bit.

Hikaru slowly exhaled and he asked, "Do you get what I mean?"

No, actually I really don't.

I reluctantly smiled. "Umm… sure."

Hikaru sighed, "Don't you 'um… sure me'. You can't trick me kid. If you don't believe me, just say it."

I stand up and begin to dust my clothes off. "Fine Hikaru, I don't believe you."

Hikaru immediately stood up as if to answer some kind of unspoken challenge I just subconsciously began as I stood up.

"Personally," I continued as I limped closer in order to face him. "I think you just over analyze everything. This isn't a mission, you don't have to over analyze everything."

Hikaru and I are exactly the same height so we were looking at each other dead in the eye. Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a Hisako-Hikaru stand off. Place all bets now!

He glared at me and took the last hit off of his cigarette. "Fine Hisako." He blew the cigarette smoke in my face and continued, "Since you are questioning my impeccable reasoning, I will analyze your situation in person."

My eyes were watering but I didn't look away.

He smiled one of his crazy diabolical smiles and said, "Let's go find Kakashi and evaluate your situation."

My heart practically stopped.

Kill me now.

Hikaru turned off the cigarette with the tip of his fingers and flicked it on the ground. I was too dumbfounded to realize what his master plan was. He grabbed my hand and began to pull me away from memorial stone.

"Wait, wait," my voice cracked, "Right now?"

He didn't stop; instead he walked faster. "Sure, I've got nothing better to do."

My stomach began to twist and turn while my knees were beginning to grow weaker and weaker with every step we took away from memorial stone. "Wait, wait, how do you know where he's at? Kiyoshi told me he wasn't coming back 'till later on this week."

Unfortunately Hikaru wasn't falling for my attempts to stall him. He kept on dragging me farther and farther away from memorial stone as he spoke, "Well he's obviously in town since I just saw him a couple of hours ago. He told me he just came back from a mission. There is no way he would be sent to another one so soon."

Hikaru was practically dragging me to our destination because I could hardly keep up him. "Come on kid, faster."

"I fucking can't Hikaru!" I growled and literally stopped walking. Unfortunately that didn't stop him. He literally dragged me for a couple of meters until I yelled up from the ground, "Hikaru, stop! Why in the hell do you care so much?"

He finally stopped and sighed, "Because nothing this good and exciting has happened in your life since the chunin exams when Arashi asked you out. Also because you are questioning my judgment!"

I growled. "This isn't funny Hikaru!"

"Then let's make it funny," he pulls me up from the ground, puts both of his hands on my shoulders and looks me dead in the eye. "If I'm wrong and Kakashi doesn't like you, I'll quit smoking. Forever."

My mouth dropped open. No fucking way… Hikaru, give up cigarettes?

"But… why?"

Hikaru smiled and shrugged, "It'll make things interesting."

I pursed my lips and squinted my eyes a bit. "Okay… but what if you're right?"

He grinned and petted my hair. "Well dear little Hisako, if I am correct, which I am one-hundred and thirty percent sure I am, then you must ask Kakashi out on a date."

I gulped. My knees began to shake and my stomach was twisting around in a million little knots. "You've got to be kidding me!"

He smiled, "Well you're so sure he doesn't like you so you have nothing to worry about," Hikaru stretches out his hand and continues, "Do we have a bet?"

For some reason my gut was screaming "No! No!" but my mind was whispering, "Do it! Do it! Don't be such a giiiirl!" If this were a mission, I would trust my gut and go with intuition… but this isn't a mission.

I shook Hikaru's hand and shot him a bittersweet smile. "Fine Hikaru, it's on."

Hikaru squeezed my hand and chuckled, "Finally, Hisako has grown her balls back."

I let go of his hand and punched the same shoulder I punched a couple of minutes ago. "I never lost them you douche bag."

He flinched and rubbed his arm. "I'm starting to get a bruise… why must you be so violent? Can't you see I'm delicate!"

I stuck my tongue out and began to walk. "It's what you get for being a douche bag."

"It's what you get for being a douche bag," Hikaru mimicked as he caught up with me.

I glared at him. "Do you want another one Hikaru?"

He put his arms up in self-defense and quickly said, "Nah, I think I'm good for the next year or so."

I laughed, limped closer to him, and put my arm around his waist. "Aww… my poor Hikaruuuuuu."

He whimpered and put his arm around my shoulders. "Yes, have pity on your poor Hikaru. He's cold, tired, hungry… and he wants a cigarette so bad."

I laughed, "You're hooked!"

Hikaru snorts, "I've been hooked, sweetheart."

Before I could retort, I sensed another presence walking toward us.

Please not Kakashi. Please not Kakashi. Please, please, please let it not be Kakashi!

To my dismay, it didn't take long for Kakashi's tall lanky body to come into focus. Every second we got closer to the silver haired man whose nose was buried in Make-out Paradise, my heart pounded faster and faster with adrenaline. Is it sad that I had never had this kind of adrenaline during a mission?

I looked up at Hikaru but he merely grinned at me and whispered, "Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life…"

His prediction dumbfounded me. "Hikaru, what…"

"Hey Kakashi!"

I looked away from Hikaru's grinning face and was reluctant to find Kakashi right in front of us. My stomach churned and the butterflies woke up after five years of hibernation.

"Yo." He closed his newly ruined copy of Make-out Paradise in order to give us his full attention. He looked at Hikaru with his one lazy eye and then slowly turned his focus on me. Kakashi smiled and I could feel my knees start to shake.

I felt as though Hikaru's arm was the only thing holding me up. Reluctantly smiled back and said, "Hi, it's been while." Instantly I regretted saying that. It makes me sound like I was waiting for him to come back. I slowly removed my arm from Kiyoshi's waist and tried to keep my knees from shaking.

I think Hikaru could tell I was starting to get nervous because he immediately tried to get Kakashi to focus on him. "So what are you up to tonight? I thought you would be resting up since your C-rank mission turned out to be a bit more intense than expected."

I silently began to beg. Please don't let him say he was headed to the shop, please don't let him say he was headed toward the shop, please, please!

His gaze moved from my face to Hikaru's arm around my shoulders. "Unfortunately a copy of my book was damaged during this past mission and I lost a couple of pages… so I was headed toward Hisako's bookstore for a new copy…" He put his hands in his pockets and smiled again, "and possibly another book…"

My stomach dropped and I looked at Hikaru from the corner of my eyes. He gave me an I-told-you-so look and quickly looked back at Kakashi.

"I know it's a bit late but since I am, according to Hisako, her favorite customer I thought she would be willing to make an exception."

Hikaru smirked, "Oh really?" He looked at me, then at Kakashi, and removed his arm from my shoulders. "I did not know that."

Moments like these make me wish the ground could just swallow me whole… or better yet, why can't there be a random shinobi war which starts right this moment where everyone can forget this whole situation ever happened? … Actually I prefer to be struck by lightening. That sounds like a good plan… it's too bad I can't command the weather.

Before Kakashi or I could say anything Hikaru sighed, "Well, I need to go pay a visit to the parents…" He took a couple of steps toward Kakashi and continued, "Kakashi, since you're on your way over there, can you walk Hisako home?"

It was a real struggle to keep my mouth from dropping when Hikaru said that. I was to nervous to say or do anything but I really wanted to kick Hikaru's ass and drag him back here.

Before Kakashi could say anything, Hikaru began to slowly walk away , "Alright then! I'll see you two crazy kids later…" He walked off toward the path Kakashi had taken toward us and disappeared into the night like the crazy freak he is.

Die Hikaru, just die now.

When Hikaru left there was an awkward silence between Kakashi and me. Instead of thinking of something witty to say, I was concentrating on keeping my legs from turning into jelly and breaking down on me.

Kakashi looked back at the path Hikaru took and scratched the crazy silver poof everyone calls hair. "Well that was… interesting to say the least."

I reluctantly laughed, bit my lip, and started to fiddle around with my mousy brown hair. "Well that's Hikaru for you…"

He slouched over a bit and looked up at the sky, "I guess you're right…"

I let go of my hair and started to sway back and forth subconsciously. "So… were you really going over to the shop… just to get a book?"

Was that a bit too straight forward? Maybe I just stop questioning everything and just go with the flow. I don't know… but is it sad that I am secretly hoping he says no?

"Well yes… and no."

The butterflies in my stomach began to flutter faster. Stupid nerves… why I am even nervous? It's just regular, pervy Kakashi who used to get me in trouble with Kiyoshi. He's the same old person who would stop our so called shenanigans and give us community service for our rebel ways… Okay, now I'm just coming up with random excuses for being nervous.

I was about to ask him what he meant when Kakashi said, "Do you want to go get something to drink?"

I was left dumbfounded. Did he just ask me to do something with him that has absolutely nothing to do with the bookstore?

"Um… sure, why not?"

Wait, does this count as a date?


	8. Slow Burn

**Hello! I hope this didn't take me that long to update.**

**Anyway, thank you for all the reviews!**

**Negative or positive, I keep them coming because I really appreciate them.**

**This is a little side note about the alcoholic beverages I mention.**

**I don't know all these different Japanese alcoholic drinks so I just put in ones I know.**

**I hope it doesn't bother you and if it does, I'm sorry.**

**Enjoy.**

* * *

_"I tried to drown my sorrows, but the bastards learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good feeling."_

-**Frida Kahlo**

_"Nothing good ever happens after 2 a.m."_

-**Marshall (How I Met Your Mother)**

There are a lot of things I would never do with Kakashi. For example, I would never in a million years let him come in my room. There is something innocent and pure in there that I would never allow to be tainted by the presence by one such as Kakashi. I have never done anything in there my five year old self would do. For example, I have never drank alcoholic beverages in there, I have never smoked in there, and as a matter a fact, I have never walked in there drunk either.

Another thing I never expected to do was to sit in a bar and drink with Kakashi in the middle of a Thursday night. I can't believe came back to this place, with Kakashi Hatake of all people.

Oh the irony.

"I never expected you of all people to come to bars, Kakashi. I would think you would have a reputation to uphold."

I just had to break the silence. The inner alcoholic in me couldn't take a dead bar. This place was completely empty, which killed me inside. Then again it is a Thursday night, what do I expect? Last time I was here I was depressed, lost, and confused but it was packed full of people. It was definitely a happy place. Oh well, people do have lives after all. I'm the only loser without one.

"Do you see anyone in here?"

The dead silence answered the question for me but I decided to answer him anyway, "Good point."

"May I start you two off with something?"

The usual bartender wasn't here which didn't really surprise me. After all, it's a weekday. Who in their right mind gets wasted on a weekday? … Well besides me. I hope he's not new. Those usually make the worst drinks ever.

Before Kakashi could respond I said, "Can I get a screwdriver and a shot of Vanilla Smirnoff on the side?"

Right after I finished my order I heard snort from Kakashi but before I could retort he began his order, "Two double shots of Jack, please. Two for the lady as well."

The bartender looked at me. I think he was waiting for some sort of confirmation from me. I looked at Kakashi and he smiled. I smelled a challenge. I can already hear Hikaru in the back of my mind taunting, "You won't, you won't!"

Oh god, it's my eighteenth birthday party all over again.

"Miss, is that ok with you?"

I turned back to the bartended and smiled the sweetest smile I have ever given a man I had just met. "It's perfect. Thank you."

The bartender looked back at Kakashi and then at me as if we were crazy. Well technically we are crazy. I have to work tomorrow and Kakashi probably has to train his chibi shinobi tomorrow early in the morning yet here we are, drinking.

We didn't speak during the interval in which the bartender was serving our drinks. The sound of alcohol hitting glass was like sand hitting an hourglass. Time was slowly ticking away and it was killing me inside. Ok, so maybe I do need alcohol right now. Maybe this was a brilliant idea on Kakashi's part.

Kakashi: 1, Hisako: 0.

Once the first couple of double shots were placed in front of our vision, Kakashi and I unsubconciously shot gunned them faster than you can say awkward. One down and a double shot, a shot of Smirnoff, and a screwdriver to go. Great.

Before I could even process the fact that Kakashi and I both took a double shot of Jack at the same time, another came and I drank it like it was candy. At this point in time, I stopped caring. My whole body was starting to lose the tension which had been present for the past year.

I forgot how great it was to get wasted.

I took my shot of Smirnoff and grimaced. I forgot how crappy vodka tasted. Fortunately I had my screwdriver in front of me already and I took a quick sip in order to get the taste out of my mouth.

For a second I forgot that Kakashi was next to me until I looked over to my right and saw four empty shot glasses. My eyes opened up wide and my gazed moved to Kakashi who was staring intently at the bar in front of him.

"When did you get those other two?," I said as I tried really hard to not say anything stupid.

Kakashi shrugged but didn't remove his gaze from the bar. I couldn't really see any part of his face because his covered Sharingan eye was facing me. "What are you planning on doing during the chūnin exams?"

A sudden urge to get fucked up began to control my body. "Bartender, two more double shots of Jack."

"Make it four!" interrupted Kakashi.

The wait for Jack felt eternal. I knew I wasn't going to be able to talk unless I had more alcohol in my system. Fortunately Kakashi didn't take the first two. He let me have them and I shot gunned both of the in a row. The taste was horrible but it was a well worth sacrifice.

What can I say, alcohol and me have a bittersweet romance.

I grimaced, took another sip of my screwdriver, and cleared my throat. "To answer you question, during the chūnin exams I will either have to run away from Konoha or make up an imaginary boyfriend. Either way, I will be screwed. I will either end up in jail or in an insane asylum. Yippee for me."

I looked over and noticed that there were now six empty double shot glasses. "Is there any particular reason?"

"Arashi," I mumbled as I finished my screwdriver.

"Pardon?"

I slammed my hand on the table and said, "A double shot of Jack!"

Kakashi didn't ask for another. "What did you say?"

I didn't answer. Instead, I impatiently waited for my double shot of Jack but right as it was coming toward me, Kakashi intercepted.

"Hey! That was mine!"

He still didn't turn to face my outcry. He played with the double shot and asked, "Who's name did you say?"

The stubborn Hisako didn't answer. Instead, with my drunken reflexes, I tried to take the double shot from his grasp but I missed and somehow managed to land myself on his lap. "Give me my double shot you jerk!"

He continued to play monkey in the middle with me and asked again, "Who's name did you say."

"Well if you're asking for a name then you know what I said!" my drunken logic was working because I saw in Kakashi's uncovered eye flash with a little bit of panic. I caught Kakashi in a lie! The alcohol must be really effecting him.

Kakashi: 1, Hisako: 1.

Kakashi Hatake actually gave up and handed me my double shot. Oh sweet, sweet success! You taste just like Jack Daniels. I shot gunned the double shot again and placed the glass on the bar. I didn't move from Kakashi's lap. I was too comfortable and scared to move.

I sat there for a couple of seconds in silence until Kakashi asked, "Are you going to go back to your seat?"

I snorted, "No, this is punishment for being a jerk… you jerk!"

"Hisako…"

"Yes?"

"You're drunk."

"No, you're drunk!"

"I'm cutting you off."

For some reason, drunk logic always seems to get the best of me and I lose fear of everything and everyone… including Kakashi.

"No," I got extremely close to his face and stared him right in the eye. "I'm cutting _you_ off!"

Before Kakashi could respond to my drunken remark, I lifted the headband which covered his Sharingan eye and smiled. "Wow Kakashi, I never noticed how cute you look without the headband."

There was another silence.

"Hisako, I'm definitely cutting you off after that."

"No, no, no! Please don't! I didn't mean it, I swear… wait no, I didn't mean it that way. I mean I do mean it! I mean you are an attractive man with or without the headband, not that I check you out anything… What I mean to say is…"

Drunken logic, you have failed me. Damn you. The fact that I was on the man's lap didn't exactly help my cause either. I am definitely drunk. I don't even want to look at the poor bartender. This poor guy probably thinks I'm some psycho alcoholic who really wants to get it on with McPerv Kakashi. Why do I feel like I'm going to regret this in the morning?

Kakashi was caught off guard so I snatched the double shot from his hand and shot gunned it. In a way I could sort of tell he wasn't going to fight me for it. Maybe he likes the drunken me. After all, this isn't the first time he's caught me out and about drunk.

"Hisako, I'm serious, I'm not letting you have anymore."

I smirked and snuggled as close as I could get to him. I shifted my mouth toward his ear and whispered, "Fine, just one more double shot for both of us and let's see how you're feeling afterwards. If you're sober I'll let you take me to your place."

Kakashi became a bit stiffer than usual. My drunken self knew that my teasing was working. My feminine charm seems to actually work when I'm drunk. It's interesting how the only way any single ounce of feminine charm I have comes out when I want more alcohol. Isn't that funny?

"If you aren't sober then we take another double shot. How about it, Sharingan Hatake?"

I waited a couple of seconds, which seems like an eternity when you're drunk, for his answer until he said, "Fine, but I'm not taking you back to your house."

I jumped back to my seat and exuberantly yelled, "Two more shots, please!"

Before I could even finish my sentence the next round was already in front of us. Like a true gentlewoman, I waited for Kakashi to take his double shot before I took mine. After this round, I knew I was officially drunk. My head felt heavy, my body was numb, and Kakashi looked more attractive than usual.

Yes children, welcome to the horrors of alcohol. It can turn the most shyest person into an attention whore. It can turn the most virtuous woman into a whore and the most unattractive man into a god.

Never, ever drink alcohol with a person you don't like because everything will go bad… and by bad, I mean extremely bad. The next day you will regret ever meeting Captain Morgan and Mr. Daniels because you might either end up pregnant or doing something extremely embarrassing like what I'm probably about to do now.

"I'm drunk," I declared to Kakashi as if it were something to be proud of.

"I am as well."

The sober side of my brain knew he wasn't drunk but I decided not to care. "Alright then Kakashi, I'll be true to my word!"

I jumped off from my seat by the bar and almost fell on my face but Kakashi managed to catch me in the knick of time. I couldn't help but grin and say, "Déjà vu, isn't it?"

He gave me a sad smile and nodded.

There was something about that depressing smile that made me want to caress his face and say that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell him that I cared about him like no one else because he's seen me hit rock bottom and carried me back up. He's held me up like no other. His stupid strict shinobi like ways have kept me inline and in check… but not in a brotherly like way or as a friend. His weird presence has helped me shape up and stop acting like an idiot. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he's one of the reasons I've started acting like an adult… well to be more precise, like a woman.

Shit. I'm definitely drunk. If I would have said that out loud, I would have cut myself off.

I don't exactly remember the walk to his apartment. All I really remember is the door of his apartment door closing and a single light shinning somewhere deep inside his apartment. I couldn't really see anything else besides that small flickering candle coming and going like it was about to go out any minute.

Through all of this he never let me go. After a couple of steps toward the black abyss I stopped and shifted my body so I could stand right in front of him. I could faintly hear his breathing and mine. Before he could protest or do anything, like help me into his bed like he did last time, I buried my nose into his neck. I held him as tight as I could and I didn't want to let him go. I wanted this moment to last forever.

"Hisako…"

I put my finger against his covered lips in order to shush him. I didn't want him to break the small intimacy we were sharing. This is the closest thing I had ever had since the last time… that depressing last time that I've been trying to erase from my mind ever since I could remember…

Something deep inside had awoken like a fresh fire on top of a cold mountain. I wanted Kakashi to touch me. In anyway, it didn't matter. Even his bare, cold hand against my face would have been god sent. I wanted him to confirm everyone else's suspicions and say that he did like me… no, I wanted him to show me that he wanted me like no one else.

All in all, in my drunken state of mind, I wanted him to fuck me like Arashi never did.

I removed from face from his shoulder and slowly moved my hands toward his face. I couldn't see his facial reaction toward my movements so I just kept going. His body didn't stiffen when I started to remove the blue cloth that always kept me curious and fascinated by him. I couldn't see a thing but I didn't care. All I saw was his sharingan eye glowing in the dark pit of abyss but I didn't mind. Instead, I removed his headband and threw it across the room.

I don't exactly know what got into me when I threw myself at him and kissed him like no other. It was the first kiss I ever gave with true passion and lust.


	9. Sleeping Lessons

_Hey, it's been a while. _

_Thank you for the reviews, I really appreciate them._

_Keep them coming._

_Anyway, another disclaimer: The Naruto universe is weird. They have movies but apparently it takes place in feudal Japan… ishy… anyway, I use a phone in this part so sorry if it bugs you._

_Thanks for reading._

_Enjoy!_

"**Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.****"**

**-Oscar Wilde**

I hate mornings. Whether I'm hung over, sick, or as healthy as a newborn child, it's hard to get up. Usually my alarm rings and I slam on the snooze button at least five times, but today was very different. There was no annoying alarm or parent banging at my door, there were just birds and a bright sun to greet me with a smile.

I moaned and buried my head under the closest pillow I could find. Everything seemed extremely different this morning. The sheets my body was laying on were softer and warmer than usual… I felt extremely comfortable and safe in them… Almost like I belonged here. The scent on them was familiar but I knew it wasn't my own. It smelled good… it smelled like… well like… Kakashi.

My stomach dropped. My groggy mind realized where my body was and in whose bed I was laying on. My heart began to race and my breathing quickened. I felt like I was back in a mission.

My eyes shot open and I jumped up from the bed with the sheets around my body as if it was a trap… but there was no one there with me. By looking at the sheets of the bed and the way my body was angled, I could tell someone was sleeping with me last night.

"Damn!" I yelled but then covered my mouth.

I really hope Kakashi isn't in here.

I tiptoed across his semi empty art studio and made sure that only the bed and bookshelf were here with me. Even the small shower was empty.

I took a deep breath then exhaled.

Okay, I am safe.

As quickly as possible, I searched for his phone and found it on the most obvious spot ever (next to his bed) and I dialed Hikaru. Unfortunately, he was my only hope to get out of this mess… or whatever I did last night, which I didn't even want to think about. My only priority was to get out of the premises and into my room.

I tried to pace my breathing and not cry. Please, please don't cry.

After a couple of rings a girlish voice answered with, "This is the Yamanaka clan's Flower Shop, how may I help you?"

Okay, okay, Hisako act normal. There is absolutely nothing wrong. Unfortunately my little pep talk didn't help me. "Ino," I cried, "Please put your brother on the phone."

"Who is this?"

I started to sob, "It's… it's Hisako. Please p-put Hikaru on the phone…." At the end of my sentence my voice sounded like scared mouse's cry.

"O-okay, Hisako oneesan…"

I dropped on my knees and continued to sob for what felt like an eternity. I don't know what I did with Kakashi but I have a feeling it was nothing good… What did I do? Why did I do it? Now I've not only fucked one guy… but two… and worst of all it was Kakashi. KAKASHI. The man was almost like a teacher to me. Dear god, I'm terrible.

"Hisako!" someone's voice interrupted my thoughts. "Hisako! Kid, what's wrong?"

I didn't stop crying. "Hikaru…"

"Hisako! What's wrong? Where are you?"

I took a deep breath and tried to control myself. "Hi-hi…" I took another deep breath and continued, "Hikaru… p-please come get me. I'm freaking ooout…"

"Kid, I need you to calm down!" Hikaru commanded.

I nodded even though I knew Hikaru couldn't hear me. My body started to shiver and my teeth began to chatter. Suddenly, I felt how sore all of my muscles were and how my head hurt. It felt just like the time I lost my virginity… well except my head didn't feel like it was just sucker-punched into shinobi hell.

"Hisako you're not doing what I told you."

"I'm sorry, " I squeaked. "I'm just scared, I don't know what I just did… well what we just did and I have a hangover…"

"Wait, wait, hold on! What do you mean you don't know what WE did? Who is we kid? Where are you?"

I love how he just ignored the fact that I said hangover. I haven't gotten drunk in about a year.

I cradled the phone next to my ear as if it were my child and said, "Kakashi…"

Once I uttered Kakashi's name, Hikaru took a breath of relief and laughed, "Oh, Kakashi. God Hisako, I thought you got yourself kidnapped or something."

"This isn't funny Hikaru!" I yelled as loud as I could and then continued to sob. "I'm serious… can you please come get me…"

Hikaru sighed, "But why? Don't you want to know what happened last night? This could be your chance to ask."

My stomach dropped at the slight mention of Kakashi. "Are you crazy? I don't want to talk to him right now! I just want to go to my room, hide in my bed, and never leave again."

"Well you can still do that… in Kakashi's bed," Hikaru laughed.

If he were right in front of me, I swear I'd punch him into a bloody pulp. "Hikaru, I hate you right now. This is your fault!"

"How is this my fault? I didn't tell you to get drunk with the man! I didn't tell you to mosey on to his apartment and do whatever it is you two did."

"But you did leave me alone with him," I hissed. "You are the root of all evil and my best friend so you will come and get me now."

Hikaru groaned. "Fine, fine. Put some clothes on and I'll be there in a sec."

"I do have my clothes-" I heard the dial tone and growled.

Honestly, I don't even know what to say anymore. I don't know what to think, how don't know what to feel, and honestly I don't know what I'm going to do after this. Hiding under my covers for the rest of my life sounds like a perfectly good plan but there are always complications with that…

I jumped back on Kakashi's simple little bed and buried myself in his navy blue sheets. Well, I guess I should at least try to analyze what happened last night and figure out where the night went down hill. Well actually, I don't need to analyze a single thing! Shit went bad when decided to let Captain Morgan and Mister Jack Daniels back into my life! Everything went downhill the moment I agreed to go to a bar with Kakashi.

Damn. Why can't life just give this poor crippled girl a break?

I just really hope Hikaru can make in time before-

The lock on the door clicked and all of my hopes for salvation went down the drain. My heart felt like it was just given an adrenaline shot but my body didn't move. What do I do, what do I do?

The door opened.

Sleep! Sleep! Pretend I'm asleep. I took deep breath and tried to slow my breathing. I loosed my body and my clutch on the bed sheets. I kept my eyes slightly open and listened to the soft footsteps walking inside the art studio and softly close the door. My heart continued to beat faster but I kept my breathing in check.

The steps softly continued on to the small kitchen, which I couldn't see since the bed was at the farthest corner of the art studio, and a couple of items were dropped off on the kitchen counter.

Yeah, this has to be Kakashi… but where is—

There was a knock on the window, which I was facing and there was Hikaru waving and grinning like an idiot. He wasn't waving at me though, he was waving at Kakashi. What in the hell is Hikaru doing?

Kakashi sighed and as his soft steps grew nearer I shut my eyes. I heard the window open and Kakashi ask, "What are you doing?"

"Oh noooothing," replied Hikaru with his usual innocent teenage charm. "I was just in the neighborhood and it seemed like a good idea to just drop by and say hi."

I really wanted to open my eyes and see how Kakashi was reacting to Hikaru's bullshit but I wasn't ready to risk being caught.

"That still doesn't explain why you're knocking on my window."

Hikaru laughed, "We're ninjas! Do I really need to explain?"

There was an awkward silence and I was trying as hard as I could to keep my face dead serious. Hikaru would say that.

"That's not a valid excuse to refrain from using a door like everyone else."

"Why not, it's a perfect excuse! Doors are for suckers."

There was another awkward silence. If Kakashi's face doesn't have some sort of expression, he must be a robot. Hikaru is such a dork.

"Hey, hey…" I could hear Hikaru jump through the window and walk toward the bed. "Kakashi! What's that in your bed there?" Kakashi didn't answer so Hikaru persisted, "A lady? Someone got lucky, eh?"

Hikaru, you might be my best friend but I hate you so much right now. If I could command the skies, you would be a pile of dust this very instant. If I could command the ocean, you would be cast off into the sea by a gigantic wave. If I could command the earth, the ground would have swallowed you whole. Fortunate for Hikaru, I can't do any of those things.

"No," replied Kakashi in his usual aloof manner.

Wait, nothing happened between us? I gave myself a small victory hug and did a victory dance in my head. I know I make an idiot of myself when I'm drunk but there is no way I would sleep with Kakashi.

"To your misfortune?"

"What part of no—"

"It's a dude, isn't it?"

"AND YOU LOOK LIKE A CHICK, YOU DOUCHEBAG!" I yelled from under the covers.

Oops.

Before Hikaru or Kakashi could react I pulled the sheets around me and pulled my body into fetal position. Way to blow your cover, idiot. Hikaru was obviously doing this to get a reaction out of you. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

"Hisako!" Hikaru exclaimed sarcastically. "What are you doing here? Well more like who aren't you doing here?"

"I'll kill you Hikaru!"

I can already picture the stupid grin Hikaru has on his face this very moment. That grin is going to turn into a grimace of agony once I get through with him later. Stupid best friend, I'm going to KILL him. Destroy, Slaughter, ELIMINATE FROM THE FACE OF THE EARTH. His physical matter will be gone in a matter of seconds! Mark my words, shit is gonna go down.

Besides Hikaru laughing, there was silence.

Kakashi sat on the edge of the bed in silence. I could tell it wasn't Hikaru because I couldn't hear his laughing come any closer. I opened the sheets just enough so I could see where Kakashi was. To my misfortune he was looking at me.

"Hisako? Are you okay?"

Kakashi sounded so apologetic that I felt bad for ever suspecting that he took advantage of my drunken state.

I closed the sheets again, "Hikaru!"

Hikaru finally stopped laughing and replied, "Yes?"

"Get out."

There was silence.

"Are you—"

"Yes I'm fucking serious!" I yelled from under the sheets. "Get OUT. You're suppose to be helping the situation, not making it worst so get the fuck out."

I think Hikaru realized that he fucked up because he simply sighed, "Fine, fine. I'll wait for you outside." I heard his footsteps head out the door but I didn't peak my head out of the sheets until I heard the door close.

I didn't really want to face Kakashi after what happened last night… well not that I remember much of what happened last night but I'm in his bed, which means it must have been bad. Anyway, I need to clear things up with him eventually so I should probably do it right now.

"I'm sorry…" I reluctantly broke the awkward silence.

"Sorry about what?"

"You know… last night."

"Oh… that," he scratched his head, almost like he was acting puzzled in order to make me feel better. "That's nothing to be sorry about. It was mostly my fault."

I clutched the sheets harder. "Well it wasn't really your fault… I'm going to be honest and say I really wanted to be drunk."

"Liar."

I glared at Kakashi but he only smiled.

Great, now he's trying to embarrass me.

I hid my face under the covers and said, "How am I lying? I'm pretty sure I know myself better than you."

"Alright, how come every time I mention Arashi, you do something rash?"

I turned my body face-down and said, "That's not true…"

"Really?"

"Yes, really," I snapped.

If my head weren't throbbing with this growing pain, the room would be dead silent. Grr… I hate hangovers… especially this one since it's making everything ten times worst. I remember back in the day when hangovers were like fairy tales: not real.

I felt the bed move when Kakashi stood up. His light footsteps went toward the kitchen and back in a matter of seconds but I still didn't move. He placed something next to my covered face, sat back down on the bed, and didn't say a word.

I waited a couple of seconds but he still wouldn't break the awkward silence. My hand quickly shot out and brought the leather bound item under the covers. Wow, my body seems to have a mind of it's own today.

I didn't really have to look at the leather bound book in order to know it was my journal. My body seemed to recognize the familiar scent and shape of it. I held it close to my chest and took a deep breath.

"Kakashi, did you read it?"

"Should I have read it?"

"I don't know, it would have given you an upper hand against my future plots to destroy your life."

I don't know whether Kakashi found comment funny or not but the atmosphere felt a bit less tense. I found it chuckle worthy but my hangover overpowered my sense of humor. I poked my head out of the sheets in order to look at Kakashi. He was staring out in the open when I asked, "So, did you?"

Kakashi stood still for a bit but then he shook his head. "No."

For some reason, his lack of interest in my deepest darkest secrets disappointed me. My stomach felt empty and hollow which felt like an upcoming depression. I hid my head under the covers again and bit my lip. "Do you still want to know why I hate it when Arashi is mentioned?" I didn't even wait for his answer. I pushed my journal out of the covers and said, "Turn to page one hundred and twenty-five."

* * *

**Hikaru P.O.V. **

**"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." **

**-Rita Mae Brown**

Would I sound gay if I said that flowers have always fascinated me? Well whether I do or not, I will say it. Flowers have always fascinated me but mostly because they are a symbol for some sort of feeling or wish a person has deep inside his or her heart. Those feelings are usually difficult to describe so they come here, pick up a flower or two, and hope that these delicate beings will somehow explain exactly how they feel.

Scary, isn't it? This is why every time I sell a flower or a complex flower arrangement, I ask them for a story. Usually the only question I have to ask is, who is this for, and the whole truth comes rolling right out. I try to personalize every single flower arrangement I sell… after all, no one person is completely a like another.

"Ani-san!," screeched Ino even though I was practically ten feet away from her. She hung her apron next to the cash register and said, "I'm going out…"

"To stalk Sasuke?" I teased as I gathered a sunflower for the flower arrangement my nimble fingers are working on. No one has ordered one yet, but I had a feeling the right customer is bound to come in through that door any minute now.

Ino blushed. Knowing her it's because I caught her in the act and not because she's angry… Well actually, maybe it's a little bit of both. I don't know, girls are weird, especially Ino because she can be such a stereotype sometimes. "No, I'm going out to train."

I snorted as I walked over to the counter where my masterpiece was intently waiting. "Sure, whatever you say. Just remember to keep your legs shut, got it?"

Ino didn't even respond to my quirky remark like Hisako would have. Instead of fighting it, she sighed and left without another word. I guess she's gotten used to the fact that she'll never win with me. That's no fun. I guess twelve years of teasing have taught her a great and valuable lesson: never question your ani-san; he's always right.

I grinned at my ridiculous reasoning and decided that this arrangement only needed a single sunflower. It's so simple that it's beautiful. I swear, sometimes I amaze even myself. Before I had time to put away my beautiful creation, I heard the door open. I didn't even have to turn around to know who it was. I'm just surprised that it took him so long to come here.

I pushed my hair away from my eyes and leaned against the table for a bit. "How's it going Kakashi?"

It had been a couple of days since Hisako and his predicament. I still don't know what happened during the time I wasn't in the room. Maybe this is the perfect time to find out.

I turned around, saw Kakashi looking at the red roses, and rolled my eyes. How cheesy… sometimes I wonder what Hisako would do without me.

Before Kakashi could respond I said, "If you're looking for something to give Hisako, roses are the worst thing you could ever give her."

"Who says they're for her?"

I held back a snort, carefully lifted my flower arrangement from the table, and said, "Your obvious advances on Hisako say they are."

Burn, bitch. BURN!

It was such a major burn that, for once, Kakashi didn't have anything to say. Instead he continued to browse around almost as if he were waiting for some kind of epiphany to hit him even though I know it won't.

I just have that magical effect on people.

I started to walk around the flower shop, just for the hell of it. "Red roses remind Hisako of dead people. Plus that's what everyone gave her while she was in the hospital…"

He still didn't respond, so I continued, "Red, red roses… almost as if she were dead herself. Well actually… in a way she did sort of die during those couple of days…"

"Wouldn't you?"

"Well… yes… and no."

There was silence… an awkward silence. I hate them so much. Unfortunately silences such as these force me to say things such as, "Is Hisako still mad at me?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself?"

I stopped in front of the sunflowers. "As much as it pains me to admit it, she won't talk to me."

Kakashi still hadn't stopped browsing. "She has a good reason to. You went a bit far…"

I snorted, "I went a little too far? Speak for yourself Kakashi."

Suddenly, I felt like destroying something beautiful.

I quickly dropped the flowers on the counter, walked back to the sunflowers, and held one in my hand. I tried with all of my might to hold it as delicately as possible. I wanted to crush it in the palm of my hand but at the same time I didn't. "How are you in her good graces, yet I'm given the cold shoulder?"

Kakashi stopped pacing and the room was dead silent. "Hikaru, are you jealous?"

Another dead silence. I swear, I think these things follow Kakashi around or something because they seem to be all over the place today.

"No, I am frustrated with the fact that she chose to talk to you over me."

"Exactly, jealousy."

I sighed and turned to look over at Kakashi who was by the white roses this time. "Kakashi, if I ever felt that you were some sort of threat to me, I would have destroyed you a long time ago. Trust me, it isn't jealousy."

Kakashi smiled. "Whatever you say… you're more like Hisako than you think."

"Well obviously," I replied. "We have been like two peas in a pod since our academy days. I know her like the back of my hand."

"Really?"

"Really."

Why does it feel like Kakashi knows something I don't.

Impossible.

"Then tell me Hikaru, what are her favorite flowers?"

"Sunflowers."

"Why?"

"They remind her of spring."

"Who does she like?"

"You obviously."

Whoops.

Oh well, he was bound to find out sooner or later… by either Hisako or me.

Before he could respond to my mishap, I threatened him. "Break her heart and I'll break your neck."

Kakashi smiled, "I wouldn't put it past you Hikaru."

I rolled my eyes and threw the sunflower at Kakashi. He caught it with ease and asked, "What's this for?"

I folded my hands in front of my chest and said, "She likes simple things to start things off. If you get her anything more than a flower, she'll reject you."

Kakashi looked at the flower and twirled it between his fingers. "She doesn't like to be doted upon?"

"She does but with attention instead of gifts."

"Oh… well, thank you."

I snorted and got behind the register's counter. "Thank me when you hit a homerun. You're not even at first base yet… wait, did you two do anything?"

Kakashi was silent.

"I'm not going to make fun of youuuuuu, calm down."

He smiled. I could tell he was holding back a laugh.

Wow, Kakashi seems to have learned the power of sarcasm.

I leaned on the counter and continued, "How far did you get with her?"

Kakashi looked down at the floor and then down at the sealing. He continued to fiddle around with the sunflower until the awkward silence killed him. "Second base."

I think this is the worst let down I have ever had in my life. There is no way he's telling me the truth. No fucking way. No man in his right mind would only go to second base with a woman who is completely willing, sober or drunk, to have sex with him. No fucking way. "… you're joking, right?"

"Do I look like the type of person that would?"

I took a deep breath and exhaled. Okay Hikaru, calm yourself… I mean, look at the bright side. Hisako still has an ace up her sleeve and she doesn't have any regrets. That's good… Why am I trying to console myself?

"Kakashi, you are known as a genius… but I'm slowly starting to doubt that."

"I never knew you thought so highly of me," he replied dryly.

"I never knew you were so clueless when it came to communication with the opposite sex… but maybe that's why Hisako likes you."

Kakashi shot me an inquisitive look. "What's that suppose to mean?"

Suddenly, I've become annoyed with Kakashi's company. This man is so clueless. "It means get out of here, go see Hisako, and keep on doing what you're doing because strangely enough, it's working."

Kakashi's steps were now going toward the door. "I'll put in a good word for you with Hisako… or better yet."

He walked back towards me and threw the flower at me.I caught it before it hit the ground and quickly examined it. It was a miracle that this sunflower was still intact. It's been thrown around so much these past couple of minutes.

I looked back up at Kakashi and he was already half way out the door when he said, "I have to go check in with my squad so you should probably go see her."

"Some boyfriend you are Kakashi," I retorted.

He smiled at my remark and continued, "She's been sick for the past couple of days which is probably why she isn't talking to you." He walked out of the shop and left me standing there dumbfounded.

Well fuck you too, Kakashi.


	10. Long Hair, Don't Care!

**Hey, hey, hey! I wasn't suppose to post this today but I'm extremely happy and I felt that I should spread the joy all around! I'm sorry if this took longer than usual but I've gotten into Korean Drama's lately. Don't ask. Lol. Anyway, thank you so much for the reviews! I always give a reply to every review I get and give thanks but… Thank you again! Please continue to review. Enjoy!**

**Hisako's P.O.V**

**"Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families." –Unknown**

"Auntie Coco!"

I groaned, "Go away Toshiro! I need to sleep."

I always wonder why I'm still civil to this child. Not only is he a nosy, big mouthed, brat, he's also the cause of the majority of my miseries these past couple years. He isn't even my kid and I have to deal with him more than Ishiko and my brother combined.

"But Grandma wants you to come down for lunch!"

I turned my body toward the window on my right, pulled the covers closer to my body, and shivered. Not only does this woman force me to work while I'm sick, but she expects me to compose myself and eat lunch with everyone? Hell no, this crippled child needs her sleep. Plus I'm exhausted. Keeping up with a hyper five-year-old child isn't exactly easy with this stupid leg.

"Tell Grandma I don't feel good… I need sleep!"

"Grandma says you need food too!"

Maybe if I don't say anything, he'll go away. Children are easily discouraged, right?

"Food always makes me feel better when I'm sick…"

"Well I'm not you Toshiro!"

I grabbed the pillow under my head and held it like I would a person.

"Just tell Grandma I ate when I took you to the park!"

"Green tea ice cream doesn't count as food Aunite!"

My head is killing me and this kid isn't going away. What the hell… I forget sometimes that Toshiro isn't any normal child who will just do as he is told. After all, he is Kiyoshi's prodigy.

"Toshiro, you got me sick so now you have to do what I tell you!"

"But…"

"Who woke up extra early today and took you to the park this morning, even though she was sick?"

"But…"

"Who has done everything you wanted these past two days?"

"But…"

"Who is going to take you to the movie theater tomorrow?"

I heard him stomp his feet in front of my door. "Fine Auntie Coco but you better get me popcorn tomorrow!"

Not after that you little brat.

I looked out the window and saw the empty bright blue sky.

These past two days have actually not been that bad, besides the fact that I've been sick this whole time. There hasn't been much business in the shop. I usually spend my time dusting, making sure Toshiro doesn't burn down the place, or taking a quick nap while pretending to read. Everything has been quite dandy… well sort of.

I haven't seen Kakashi or Kiyoshi since the whole drunken incident happened. Kakashi… well I can understand. The last time I saw Kakashi was when Hikaru and him walked me home from his apartment. He made up some lie to tell my parents but I was too tired to pay attention. All I remember is that I was gone on "special shinobi business" which they needed me for. I don't understand how they believed any of that crap but whatever.

Anyway, as crazy as it might seem, he actually has a life that doesn't revolve around Make-out Paradise. Not only that, but letting him read a part of the journal where I confess my deepest darkest feelings wasn't exactly a bright move by my part either but… whatever. He was bound to find out sooner or later about the Arashi incident, it might as well come from some version of myself.

I don't understand why Hikaru hasn't come to see me though. He has no excuse. Plus, it's surprising that he hasn't bugged me for answers about that night. Hikaru is usually first to know about every stupid thing I do but it seems like he's not interested this time…

Is he mad at me?

Suddenly my whole body paused whatever it was doing in order to sit up. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and before I could even cover my face, I sneezed. My head began to throb with pain worse than before.

"Fuck my life," I muttered as I fell back on my pillows.

I opened my eyes and saw a hand holding a tissue out for me.

"You seriously need to learn how to cover your mouth," Hikaru said with the usual grin on his face. "Are you trying to kill me?"

"Actually," I took the tissue from his hand and continued, "I usually am but not today because I missed my bestie!"

I held my arms out in order to hug him but Hikaru didn't budge. I tilted my head and frowned, "What's wrong?"

He walked back toward the window, which I guessed he opened, and said, "Oh nothing. I just feel like you'd prefer to hug Kakashi instead of me"

I glared at him and Hikaru just laughed at me. "It's a joke, calm down. I swear, you're becoming as up tight as Kakashi is."

Is Hikaru doing this because he's hurt or just because he's Hikaru? It's probably both knowing him.

I let my arms fall at my sides and I laid back down on my bed. "Why are you so butt hurt? Are you scared that Kakashi is replacing you?"

He leaned again the window and scoffed. "Please, I'll tell you the same thing I told Kakashi: If I thought he was a threat, he would have been eliminated a long time ago."

"No offense Hikaru, but that's really creepy," I laughed.

"That's the point, kid."

I grabbed my pillow and hugged it. "So, when did you talk to Kakashi?"

Hikaru fiddled in his pockets and took out his cigarette pack. "Wanna go outside and smoke?"

I sneezed and blew my nose with the tissue Hikaru gave me. "You're kidding, right? Can't you see how sick I am?"

Hikaru smiled and took out his lighter Mu. "That hasn't stopped you before. Remember when we were seventeen and you got that cold?"

I snickered and held the pillow tighter, "Yeaaah. That was a good night. We partied so hard."

Hikaru grinned. "See, that's why you have to come and smoke this cigarette with me! It'll be fun and you know you want one. Just take a couple of pills and you'll be fine!"

I sighed and looked up at my ceiling. "I don't know…"

Hikaru walked over and pulled me up from my bed. "Aww, come on! What's the worse that could happen?"

* * *

"Hikaru, I have a question for you."

He tilted his head toward me and said, "Yes Hisako?"

"Why didn't you tell me that the chūnin exams are in three days!" I said through my teeth as I tried to keep a smile on my face. I didn't want to freak out in front of all of the people who were happily walking through the streets of Konoha.

Everyone seemed to be buzzing with excitement. Even my mother seemed extremely happy today. I walked out without her questioning where I was going and why I didn't join everyone for lunch. Plus she told me she would take care of Toshiro tonight so I had the night off. Usually this is a blessing but tonight I kind of wish I had Toshiro as an excuse to not leave the house. The chūnin exams make everyone happy and excited, well except me. Actually, I would probably enjoy them if it weren't for Arashi.

And this is why I never leave my house.

As Hikaru and I walked toward the park I kept my eye out. I saw a bunch of different shinobi from different places but the ones that stood out the most were the ones with the Sand Village forehead protector. Every time I saw one my stomach dropped and my legs felt like running away but I tried to pretend like I wasn't worried. Unfortunately, the fact that my leg makes me walk slower than a turtle doesn't help my anxiety problem. Oh well, even if Arashi does find me out here, what's the worse he can do?

"Hisako!"

I jumped and almost tripped on my retard leg but Hikaru managed to grab my arm before I fell.

"Sorry."

Hikaru rolled his eyes. "Come on Hisako. Why are you so paranoid? Arashi might not even be here and even if he is, you're with me. Just chill and try to find a nice spot to smoke a cig with me."

"Alright, alright. I'm sorry."

Unfortunately the fact that I was sick wasn't exactly helping my cause out either. My head continued to throb all through out little trip around Konoha and I have a feeling it's not going to go away for a while. Why are these stupid pills taking so long to kick in?

We wandered around for a couple of minutes until we found a secluded part of the park. There wasn't really anyone there because it was so far away from town. We sat under the shade of the farthest tree in the park but no matter how comfortable our surroundings were, I still couldn't help but continue to be paranoid.

"I'm sorry but I didn't bring your shitty menthols so here's one of mine." He handed me his lighter and a cigarette.

I quickly analyzed my surroundings again. There literally wasn't anyone around here. The closest people were still really far away. The only thing I could tell was that they were a couple of shinobi smoking cigarettes.

I shook my head, put the cigarette in my mouth, and before I could even light it I heard a eerily familiar voice say, "Hello."

I froze with the cigarette in my mouth and the lighter in front of my face even though my head continued to receive shocks of pain.

I looked out of the corner of my eyes and saw whom I have been expecting for the last couple of minutes. There was Arashi standing with his hands hanging loosely at his sides. I had to look up in order to get a good look at his face because he was so freaking tall. His long chestnut hair was surprisingly held back in a ponytail. It looks like he let his hair grow from the last time I saw him. He always said he hated his long hair but, when I went out with him, he kept it because I liked to pet it. It's surprising to see that he still has it. What didn't surprise me was that Arashi found Hikaru and me here since I knew that eventually he would either come to the shop or find me out and about in the streets. It might as well be here while Hikaru is with me.

Hikaru whistled at me. "Hisako, hurry up!"

I looked to my right out of the corner of my eyes. Hikaru was intently staring at the lighter in my hands. After a couple of seconds it dawned on him that there was another presence with us. He quickly gave Arashi an icy glare and said, "Hey Arashi, how's the single life working out for you?" and brought his sight back to the lighter. "There are other people who need that lighter, Hisako."

I smiled, lit the cigarette, and tossed the lighter at Hikaru.

Ever since Hikaru met Arashi, he's hated him. In Hikaru's own words, Arashi is a "anti-social prick who needs a whole bottle of Jack in order for him to have a normal conversation with human beings". It's a little harsh from Hikaru's part but whatever. I can't control every single think that comes to Hikaru's mouth.

I took a drag off my cigarette and opened my mouth to say something but Hikaru beat me to the punch. "So what brings you over here, besides the chūnin exams? It's obviously not my pretty face." He walked toward my left side and sat down next to me like the good friend he is. Hikaru and I exhaled at the same time.

Through the corner of my eyes I kept my gaze on Arashi. I wasn't going to talk to him. I don't have a thing to say to him. It's not that I want to be a bitch to him… I've already talked to him too many times… I've explained to him why I broke it off with him for so long that I feel like it's not going to make him go away. I need to ignore him. If I'm not paying any attention to him he'll probably leave me alone. I'll be a lost cause.

"Hisako, I'm talking to you," said Arashi. He didn't move any closer. It was as if Hikaru was some kind of wall he couldn't pass. Sometimes I wondered whether Arashi was scared of Hikaru.

"Well I'm talking to you kid," replied Hikaru with a reluctant smile.

Hikaru and I both took a drag from our cigarettes and exhaled. He patted the grass next to him and said to Arashi, "Sit, sit! We need to have a conversation, best friend to ex boyfriend."

Arashi glared at Hikaru with his dark blue eyes and then looked at me. "I want to talk to _Hisako_."

"Well she obviously doesn't want to talk to you." Hikaru took another drag from his cigarette and continued, "The closest you are going to get to talking to her is me. Anything you want to know from Hisako I know so sit."

It seems like he didn't have much of a choice because he sat down but unfortunately, he sat down right in front of Hikaru and me. Arashi looked at me but I kept my gaze on my cigarette.

I took a drag and exhaled away from Hikaru and Arashi.

"How have you been Hisako? I didn't know you smoked…" Arashi's calm face showed signs of disappointment.

"Well she's been smoking even before you met her. I'm surprised you never noticed and she's been great!" answered Hikaru with a devilish grin. I don't know what he's planning but knowing Hikaru, it's nothing good. I mentally shrugged and let him do his thing. I'm done trying. I took another drag and exhaled.

"She got wasted a couple of nights ago," continued Hikaru. Good job Hikaru. You're making me look like a terrible human being. Well not that I'm not… but whatever. Hopefully Hikaru can convince him that I'm not worth chasing after.

I took a deep drag and held it in for a bit.

"She was so fucked up that Kakashi and her hooked up!"

My eyes almost bulged out of my sockets. I put the hand without my cigarette in front of my mouth and started to cough out the smoke that I left in my lungs. "Hikaru…" I wheezed and continued to cough. It seemed like the pills I took choose to work whenever they feel like it because my dormant headache flared again.

Unfortunately or fortunately, I can't decide which, Hikaru kept talking. "You know Kakashi, right? Sort of tall guy, silver hair, sharingan eye? Yeah, I'm pretty sure Hisako and him are going out now."

After I managed to compose myself I stood up and muttered, "Fuck my life!" and tried to limp away as fast as my crippled legs could carry me. It wasn't very far because Arashi caught up with me in no time.

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back toward him. "Hisako please, I need to talk to you…"

I growled and shook my arm free. "Look, there is nothing to talk about!"

"Yes there is!" he persisted. "I still need an explanation."

I gave him an incredulous look and shook my head. "Really Arashi, really? It's been three years! I've told you before and I'll tell you once again, it just—"

"Hey!" interrupted an annoying little voice from behind me. "Bookstore lady, over here!"

I turned around and saw Naruto in his orange jumpsuit running over here in the distance. My shinobi skills must really suck now because I couldn't even sense that kid running over here. Oh well, at least he's proved himself useful.

When he finally reached me, I said, "Hey Naruto, where are you heading?"

Honestly, I'm just asking because I hope I can tag along. I feel bad for leaving Hikaru but I really don't want to be here and I don't think Arashi would be creepy enough to stalk me while I'm with Naruto… well at least I'm hoping.

Naruto opened his mouth to respond but then he noticed something in my hand and then noticed Arashi. "Since when do you smoke? Bookstore ladies aren't usually the type that do."

I looked at the cigarette in my hand, dropped in on the grass, and put it out. "I've been smoking for seven years but don't tell anyone, especially not your sensei, okay?" His blue eyes became confused.

"Why shouldn't I tell Kakashi sensei?"

"Because…" I looked around nervously. This is lasting longer than I hoped it would. "Ever since I've met Kakashi, we've had a contest to see who could make the other more miserable. I'm winning right now and if Kakashi realizes I smoke cigarettes, he'll lecture me to death!"

Please, please, please forget that I smoke cigarettes.

Naruto scratched his head. "Okay… sounds like a good reason. Speaking of Kakashi sensei, I'm heading over to meet up with him. I think Sakura and Sasuke are going to be there too. Do you want to come along? Sakura-chan wanted to talk to you about some book you gave her."

I smiled, "Okay. Do you know if she liked it?"

Naruto shrugged, "I don't know. Just come with me and ask her."

Success in the smallest of proportions!

Before Naruto could even turn around to lead the way, Arashi grabbed my arm again and said, "Hisako, we're not finished here."

I shot Arashi the dirtiest glare I could master at the moment and before I could respond, Naruto walked in the middle of us and analyzed Arashi. "Who is this guy, lady?" He looked back and me and squinted, "I thought you liked Kakashi sensei!"

I could feel blood rushing to my face. "I do! I mean.. I don't… well I do… Argh, look he's no one." I looked back at Arashi, "Look Arashi, just leave me alone. There are other girls out there way better than me. I just… can't be with you, okay? I'm never going to change my mind so just go."

Arashi snorted, "Is this because of the copy cat ninja? That's it, isn't it?"

Fuck.

I grimaced and shook my head. "No, you've got it all wrong! I didn't… look, I shouldn't have to explain anything to you. We've been through for three years!"

I looked down at Naruto and he looked more confused than ever. "Look, I've got to go. This kids brain is about to malfunction from confusion." I shifted my gaze back to an angry Arashi, pulled my arm away again, and said as firmly as I could, "Don't you ever come near me again."

"Yeah!" supported Naruto. "If you ever come near the Bookstore Lady again, Kakashi sensei will find you and kick your ass."

I rolled my eyes and pulled Naruto away from between Arashi and me. Sometimes this kid is so stupid that it's cute. "Come on Naruto, we've wasted too much time here. Let's go find your sensei. He must be worried about you."

Before I turned around in order to follow Naruto, I looked past Arashi and saw Hikaru still in his spot smoking his cigarette. He smiled at me and shushed me away with his free hand.

"Come on Lady, let's go!" Naruto said anxiously. "This sand guy is giving me the creeps."

Sometimes I really do wonder what goes through my head when I do stupid things, like go out with clingy guys from a different village. Oh well… I guess life could always be worse.


	11. Sonnet XVII

_Hello! Well this one came out a bit faster than usual. I don't think that's a problem with anyone so yeah. Thank you so much for all of the feedback! I really appreciate it! I would especially like to thank Eleanor the great for being awesome and correcting my grammar mistakes! Please keep the feedback coming. I really appreciate it. Thanks for reading and enjoy!_

**"Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up."**

**–Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)**

**Hikaru's P.O.V.**

Sometimes I feel like my years as a genin and a chūnin were the best Hisako and I ever had. After I became a jōnin, everything just seemed to go downhill from there. I started smoking more, I've almost died three times (I really wish I did), and I can't seem to find anything beside missions to occupy my time with. I just don't know what else to do with myself.

I look at Hisako and I see my reflection. Well one a bit sadder and more pathetic, but still nonetheless myself.

I remember a time when we both actually smiled and laughed. Now a day, our so called happiness is a pathetic imitation of what we had before… The world didn't seem so dark… so hopeless. Maybe the older you get, the worse the world gets.

Before her accident, Hisako would run around like a mad woman. She would jump and I would jump around with her. She would sneak out of her house at three in the morning and I would join her at the park with my pack of cigarettes. Everything seemed so simple, new, unique…

Life seemed so beautiful with its endless possibilities.

I loved life.

See how loved is the key word?

Once we hit jonin, the shit definitely hit the fan. I wasn't with Hisako when her leg was practically destroyed by a bunch of kunai. She was alone with a couple of other chūnin whom I've never really had displeasure of getting to know. The kunai pierced her leg so deep that they managed to knock out all of the chakra pathway systems there.

I was there though when she got the news from a medic that she would never be able to continue to pursue her career as a shinobi. The eccentric glow in her eyes was gone. Her complexion was forever pale and dull. I swear I think she forgot how to grin and laugh whole-heartedly as well… but that's not for me to judge.

I've never seen someone spiritually die before my eyes until that day.

This misery continued to haunt me for next couple of years but, unfortunately, it hurt Hisako more than it hurt me. Even though Hisako was no longer with me, I could still leave and have fun like everyone else but it's kind of hard to do so when your best friend is stuck in a life that was never meant to be hers. The life of a crippled bookkeeper was one of the worst things anyone could ever wish upon her.

Oh I found plenty of people to blame. I blamed myself… I blamed Arashi… I blamed her brother Kiyoshi for a while… I blamed it on life.

I felt as though this was life collecting the debt we owed it for all of the fun we had over the past years. Maybe things were never meant to be this good. Maybe there was some sort of unbalance in the universe where Hisako and I were fortunate enough to dodge misfortune for the majority of our years. I guess shit just doesn't work that way.

Life isn't all ponies and rainbows. There has to be pain, suffering and misery along with happiness. Hisako and I probably maxed out our free ride coupons and now it was time to face reality. We wore out the joy and happiness in our lives and now it was time to pay up.

There was a bit of change in Hisako though. When I came back from the last mission, there was something alive in there again. Maybe it was hate or more misery… or maybe it was hope.

As she told me about Kakashi, her eyes changed. Her face wasn't as pale as usual. There was a little bit of pink in there when she spoke about good old Sharingan Kakashi, which I hadn't seen when she spoke about Arashi.

She liked him.

I know Hisako better than anyone and I was quite sure she felt something for the good old perverted genius. I don't exactly know what, but she saw something that made her knees grow week and her judgment become clouded. What I really want to know is how long she felt this way. How long had this been going on?

I wasn't sure whether Kakashi corresponded but it was worth a shot finding out. I pushed Hisako toward him, even though she practically kicked and screamed the whole way there. I knew she would thank me for it one day when there was a little Hisako or a little Kakashi running around… but until that day came, I would drag her toward happiness if I had to.

It was the least I could do.

In a way I felt there her punishment was slowly coming to an end but… I knew mine was just beginning. Hisako lost her career…. Hopes… dreams…. But life was replacing them with other versions of them.

Me…. Well I'm going to be honest and say I haven't lost a damned thing… yet. I'm a healthy shinobi with the same goals… the same dreams… the same family. I can do anything I want right now…. But life took it's sweet ass time finding the right punishment for someone as twisted as myself.

That night I saw Hisako and Kakashi together, I realized what my punishment is. Hisako's happiness is my punishment.

I'm losing my best friend to the man she loves.

* * *

**"I don't love you as if you were a rose of salt, topaz**  
**or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:**  
**I love you as one loves certain dark things,**  
**secretly, between the shadow and the soul."**

**–Pablo Neruda**

**"To quite you, with quiet love, quietly holding back. To quiet me, with quiet love, quietly. We can't change, we can't return. That's the silent love. Quietly, quietly, the two of us are entangled…"**

**-Dir en grey**

"Where is everyone?"

Naruto looked around the supposed meeting spot which wasn't too far away from the park we just left.

I sat down on the wooden bridge we were standing on and sighed, "Relax. Kakashi is probably late… like always."

I closed my eyes and started massaging my temple. None of this was exactly helping me feel any better. My whole body just hurt like hell but mostly my lame leg. Maybe this was a terrible idea. Maybe I should have just asked Naruto if he could have walked home with me… Nah, either way, Arashi knows where I live. He would have probably followed me there.

"I'm not worried about Kakashi sensei," replied Naruto. "I'm worried about Sakura-chan… she's never late."

"That's because we're meeting tomorrow, Naruto," replied Kakashi's indifferent voice as I heard his soft footsteps walk on the bridge toward us.

"What!" exclaimed Naruto. "Kakashi sensei, you're a liar! I thought you said it was today."

"Hmm…" Kakashi paused and thought for a bit. "No I'm quite sure I said it was tomorrow."

I looked at Kakashi and he smiled at me. I frowned and shook my head disapprovingly. Tsk, tsk, even I know that's a big fat lie. There is no way Naruto can fall for this. I mean I know the kid is a bit dull but come on.

He scratched his head and looked up at Kakashi. "Are you sure?"

"Well do you see anyone else here?"

There was dead silence.

I know Kakashi used Naruto to keep an eye on me. It wouldn't surprise me if he's done the same with Sasuke and Sakura. I've seen them pass through the shop a couple of times which I thought was kind of weird.

Kakashi can be such a creeper sometimes.

I sighed and stood up. "Come on Naruto, since your sensei is a one eyed liar, I'll invite you for some ramen."

Naruto's face brightened up. "Really? Ichirakus?"

I ruffled his hair and said, "Sure. It's been a long day and I'm starving anyway…"

Before I could start walking, Naruto grabbed my arm and pulled me toward Kakashi. "We should probably bring Kakashi sensei with us though. That sand guy could come after us again."

Kakashi put his hands in his pockets and tried to act as innocent as possible. "Who are you talking about Naruto?"

I shot Naruto a warning glance and nudged him. This kid needs to learn how to keep his mouth shut.

"Ow!" exclaimed Naruto. "You didn't say anything about mentioning your ex-boyfriend lady!"

"Who said he was my ex-boyfriend!"

Naruto crossed his arms over his chest and said, "Well he obviously wasn't a friend of yours. I don't think you'd tell someone you like that you 'never want to see him again' and 'it's been three years since we've been over'. I mean I know I'm dumb but I'm not that dumb."

Sometimes, I wish you were that dumb Naruto.

"I agree with Naruto, Hisako," replied Kakashi with an amused look. "Why do you care that I know that your ex-boyfriend is trying to talk to you?"

I swear if the glare I was giving Kakashi could be any darker it would be throwing kunai at him. "I don't care. It's just not worth mentioning. It's just really creepy that you want to know every single thing I do. You're starting to turn into another Arashi."

There was a short silence.

"Ouch," commented Naruto. "Are you going to take that, Kakashi sensei?"

Kakashi ignored Naruto and smiled, "That hurt Hisako," he pointed to his heart with his right hand, "It hit me right there."

I rolled my eyes. "Kakashi, if I really wanted to hurt you I would stop selling Make-out Paradise."

Before Kakashi could retort, I heard a stomach growl. Kakashi and I looked over at Naruto. His face turned red and said, "Bookstore lady, the point of the story is that Kakashi sensei is jealous so can we just go eat? It's been a long day for me too."

I smiled, "Sure. Lead the way."

As Naruto started walking, I grabbed Kakashi's arm and dragged him along. When the kid was at a good distance Kakashi said, "Should I take this movement as flirting?"

I shrugged and continued to pull him along. "Well if Naruto is right about your jealousy then yes… but it's up to you."

It didn't take long for Kakashi to catch up to my maximum limping speed. Now it looks like I'm holding on to him for support. "Okay then, let's just assume all accusations are true," replied Kakashi. I could tell he was choosing his words carefully because he was taking his sweet time talking. "Would all those signals indicate that I will eventually entwine my hand around yours?"

My heart suddenly started beating faster and my stomach had those ecstasy butterflies flapping all over the place again. I let go of his arm and looked down at the ground. "If we assume all accusations are true, then yes…"

Once I finished my sentence I felt his gloved hand take a hold of mine. By instinct, I almost snatched my hand away in embarrassment but instead I crossed my fingers in between his.

My blood quickly rushed to my face and I didn't want to look up at Kakashi and it wasn't because I didn't want to hold his hand… I just felt like a silly sixteen-year-old girl again and I didn't want him to notice.

"Does this mean that all accusations are true?"

I quickly glanced up at Kakashi. He was looking down at the ground as well while his face was slightly flushed pink. It seems like he's feeling the same way I am. I couldn't help but smile and look back down.

As Kakashi pulled me little closer to him as we continued to follow Naruto through the park. He leaned over and whispered, "Take it as you will. It's all up to you."


	12. As the World Falls Down

_Hello! Here it is, as I promised. I took a study break from midterms and posted this. I am so sorry this took such a long time but thank you so much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate this. I hope you guys like this and I'll try to update as soon as possible! I really appreciate your feedback so please continue reviewing!_

**Your being born makes your parents God. You owe them your life, and they can control you. Then puberty makes you Satan, just because you want something better.**

**-Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters)**

"I don't think I've ever been this full in my life!" proclaimed Naruto as he walked between Kakashi and me through the busy streets of Konoha. It was around dinnertime so I'm guessing people are out and about looking for somewhere to eat. Thankfully, we beat the crowd at Ichiraku's.

I sighed and patted the small purse in my pocket. "You ate at least four bowls so you better be."

Naruto grinned and walked away from Kakashi and toward my right side. "Don't worry, out of all of Kakashi's girlfriends, I like you the best."

I looked at Naruto then at Kakashi. "Girlfriends?"

Kakashi sighed and shrugged.

"Yeah," Naruto snickered. He held up his right hand, "His right," and then he held up his left hand, "And left."

I couldn't help but start howling with laughter. I was laughing so hard that I had to hold on to Kakashi in order to make sure I didn't end up cracking up in the middle of the floor or bumping into random strangers.

"Naruto…" he said menacingly.

I replied, "It was just a joke Kakashi…"

Before a smile could form in my lips, I saw one of the worst things I could possibly see in my life. My mother and Ishiko were happily walking and conversing with Arashi. My stomach dropped and my heart was about to jump out of my chest. Suddenly, my head decided it was a good time to remind me that I was sick with sharp pangs of pain straight to my brain.

This is not good.

Through the corner of my eyes I looked up at Kakashi and I think he saw the same thing I saw because he didn't exactly look too happy. I looked down at Naruto but he was too busy looking around to notice what was going on.

Kakashi didn't remove his gaze from my Mother, Ishiko, and Arashi. "Hisako, give me your hand," he said in a way which sounded more like a command than a request. He didn't wait for me to react, he put his arm around my waist and pulled me toward him. I couldn't help but look up at Kakashi with wide eyes. For some reason I felt extremely scared. I didn't expect this since he asked for my hand. What got into him?

"Kakashi, what are you planning?"

He held on to me tighter. I swear, his hand is probably going to stay printed on my waist for the rest of the week. "Put your arm around my waist."

"Kakashi, I don't know if you know but I'm not much for p.d.a.."

"Neither am I," replied Kakashi, "but trust me."

As I did what I was told, Naruto exclaimed, "Oh come on, not while I'm here! This is not a good time to start acting like an actual couple."

If I wasn't so worried, I would have probably laughed at that too but Kakashi and I ignored him.

I shifted my gaze forward and asked, "So what's the game plan?"

Kakashi looked determined to make some sort of impression in front of them. I don't know why, I mean who cares about them? Maybe there's something I'm missing here. "If you see your Mother, Arashi, or Ishiko see us, pretend to be shocked and embarrassed but only break our embrace if we bump into them. Got it?"

"Why?"

My mother, Ishiko, and Arashi were walking toward us. I don't know if they saw us or if this is actually a coincidence but Kakashi didn't have a chance to explain his motives.

"No time, just do as I say."

I pretended to not notice them and instead looked down at Naruto. He looked like he really didn't want to be there. Maybe I should tell him that he can leave. "Hey Naruto—"

"I knew it," said a spine tingling voice that belonged to no other than Ishiko.

I couldn't help but jump at the sound of her voice, even if I did know she was bound to see me anyway. I looked forward and saw her angelic face with a venomous smile.

"Hisako! Is this what you've been doing all day?" demanded the voice of my mother. I winced and turned my attention to her. I didn't know what to take of her question because her face was blank. She didn't sound angry or disappointed… it was almost as if she was asking me if I was lazing around the house.

I didn't even look over at Arashi. I didn't want to know what he was thinking. I let go of Kakashi, removed his arm from my waist, and took a small step away from him. I nervously giggled and said, "Hi Mother. I've just been…" I looked at Naruto for ideas but he just shrugged. Well he isn't much help. "I've been… helping Kakashi with his genin…"

I grabbed Kakashi and Naruto's arms almost as if to use him as proof of my claims. My mothers eyes got wide and Ishiko just snorted but I continued with my bullshit. "You know… kids these days are a handful. Haha…"

My mothers gaze moved from me to Kakashi. "Good evening Kakashi."

I bit my lip and accidentally looked at Kakashi. To my surprise, he was smiling sweetly at my mother. "Hello ma'am. I apologize if I kept Hisako away from the bookstore for so long. My genin seem to have taken a liking to her."

As much as I tried to stop myself, my mouth began to twitch with laughter I was holding back. This is priceless. Until this very moment, I have never noticed how much ass Kakashi is willing to kiss in order to make a decent impression.

Surprisingly, my mother smiled back. "There is no need to apologize if she was with you. I was just worried that she was wasting her time just lazing around like a good for nothing child."

I shook my head and sighed. Naruto pulled my arm and softly said, "Hey, hey, bookstore lady…" I leaned over and he whispered, "Damn, your mom really doesn't like you but I think she has the hots for Kakashi sensei."

I stood up straight and grinned at Naruto. He blushed, rubbed the back of his head, and chuckled. No one noticed our brief bonding moment because all eyes were on my Mother and Kakashi. Apparently everyone seems to have the hots for Kakashi now a day.

"Why don't you join us for dinner Kakashi-san?" added Ishiko with a smile that looked more menacing than sweet. She turned to me and continued, "Arashi-san is joining us, so another of Hisako's friends wouldn't hurt."

I winced when Arashi's name was mentioned. Great, now Ishiko is making me sound like I'm some kind of whore. I seriously think these people's main goal in life is to make me miserable. I understand Ishiko but my… nah, never mind. They all just love to see me squirm around like a bug that is about to be crushed by a shoe.

"I would love to," replied Kakashi, "That is, if Hisako doesn't mind…"

Suddenly, everyone's attention turned on me. I let out a reluctant, "Haha," subconsciously took a step toward Kakashi almost as if he was going to protect me from everyone's evil gaze, and said, " Umm… I don't mind. The more the merrier."

Without really thinking about it, I held Kakashi's hand and tried to sort of hide myself behind him.

"Perfect," smiled my mother. "Kiyoshi is home so we should have a very nice dinner tonight."

Not.

* * *

"Hisako, will you pass me the rice?"

The whole night I've been forcing my face to smile so much that my facial muscles were exhausted. I don't think I've ever pretended to be happy for such a long period of time. This is officially the worst day of my life… Well that's a lie… it's time to look at the bright side. This is officially the worst day of my life so far.

Wait, no, I'm a liar. The worst day of my life was when Hikaru almost died of alcohol poisoning but that's another story for another day. I'm pretty sure Kakashi remembers it well as I do.

My lips twitched into something that seemed to be a smile. "Sure, Ishiko."

I passed Ishiko the bowl and looked to Kakashi who was seated at my right. I don't know what sort of expression he saw in my eyes but he gave me an encouraging smile through his blue mask.

After the conversation with my mother and Ishiko, I didn't really have a chance to ask Kakashi what exactly he was planning on doing because my mother wanted us to walk home with them. Poor Naruto just casually excused himself from the group without being noticed by other than Kakashi and myself. I don't think anyone else realized he was there for our entire conversation. Arashi didn't speak at all. He just stood there and observed what was happening in front of him. I wasn't sure of what he was thinking but I didn't really care.

After that, the room was back to its empty silence. The sound of chopsticks, china, and the occasional body movements were the only thing that blew our cover. The awkward aura in the room was so thick that I couldn't even concentrate on the taste of the rice in my mouth. I was too busy trying to keep myself composed and keep an eye on everyone's reactions toward our out of place guests. The only good thing about this whole situation was that I wasn't feeling sick anymore.

Ishiko was enjoying herself to the max. Her icy smile never faded and she would try to start conversation but failed miserably at it. Ishiko isn't trying to be friendly; all she wants is gossip, like always.

Toshiro didn't even look up at the "adults" or mention the fact that a "one-eyed pervert" was eating dinner with us. He actually seemed quite exhausted, which is something that rarely happens. That child usually has enough energy to run the whole town.

My Mother seemed quite happy, which I still don't understand why. It seems like the saleswoman in her is coming out because every time she spoke she would talk about how well I keep the bookstore. I wonder if my Mother is on some sort of drugs because she never praises anything I do. She expects me to be flawless at everything.

Arashi was staring at Kakashi with a little bit of hate in his eyes. He was trying to hide it and he actually isn't doing a bad job about it but I could still tell. He has no right to be here, but my parents, Ishiko, and Kiyoshi seem to like him so I can't really do anything about it.

Kiyoshi wasn't the center of attention tonight, which made him seem a bit angry and disappointed. Well at least, that's what I'm guessing the reason is. He's never had a grudge against Arashi or Kakashi so I don't think they're the reason of his unhappiness tonight. Is he mad at me?

"Kakashi," my Father spoke slowly. "I mean no disrespect but I will be frank, what are your intentions with my daughter."

And this is my Father. He doesn't speak much but when he does, like now for example, it's straight to the point which can make him seem like a douche.

I looked at my Father in shock. My heart literally stopped beating for a good five seconds.

The silence turned into uncomfortable movements and coughs. Everyone's attention was on Kakashi but he seemed unfazed by it. "What do you mean sir?"

"Don't act innocent with me, you know exactly what I mean," responded my father as he lifted his cup and drank.

After my small out burst, I tried to keep my face as neutral as possible. My hands began to shake so I placed my chopsticks next to my plate and shifted my hands toward my lap. My heart began to slam so hard against my ribcage that I could hear it. Hikaru, where are you when I need you?

Kakashi looked at me, then at my father, and replied, "Well as you probably already know sir, your daughter and I have been courting for some time now—"

Kiyoshi slammed his cup down on the table and began to violently cough.

I began to take deeper breaths. Keep your face neutral. Everything is okay because this information is not new to you. You know this and you've known this for quite some time now even though you never really did. There is absolutely nothing wrong because Kakashi isn't making any of this up; nope, not one bit.

I could feel everyone's attention turn to me because of the goose bumps crawling around my skin. Now this would be a perfect time for me to have a leg cramp. Maybe if I hit myself hard enough it will happen. It's worth a shot.

"Hisako, is this true?" asked my mother a bit too eagerly. Her eyes looked at me as if I were about to make one of her dearest dreams a reality. This woman is crazy and she is scaring me.

"Well," I began weakly, "Yeah…"

The air in here was so intense that it's a miracle the china hasn't broken yet. My mother looked as if she was having a small victory dance in her head. Ishiko looked as if she is about bust out laughing. Arashi was still silent as the grave. Kiyoshi gave me the impression that he wanted to slaughter someone and little Toshiro just stared at me with wide eyes.

"Auntie, are you really going out with a pervert?"

Ishiko cracked a smile but put her hand on top of her mouth.

I put my face in my hands and groaned. After this, everyone is going to have a field day tomorrow.

"Toshiro, go to Hisako's room and read a book for a while," my father said sternly.

"Whatever you say Grandpa," replied Toshiro with a childish grin. He quickly jumped out of his seat and walked out of the small dinning room. I could hear his small feet pounding on the floor as he walked toward my room and slammed the door shut.

He just had to put his own two cents. Little brat. He better forget about the movies tomorrow because it isn't happening.

"Explain yourself Hisako," demanded my father as he took his cup and took another sip. He never lost his cool.

"Well," I shifted around in my seat and bit my lip, "We've been going out for a while and I didn't tell any of you because I just really don't like to talk about my personal life… Plus it never really seemed like the right time to talk about it…"

"That is no excuse," replied my father. "You should have told us sooner but what is done, is done."

"I'm sorry, Father. I didn't mean for this to come to you as a shock," I said as apologetically as I possibly could. "It won't—"

"It wasn't very surprising," replied my father with the same cool attitude he began with, "Kakashi is practically here three times a week. It was obvious there was something going on."

I reluctantly laughed, "Yeah… pretty obvious."

The tension in the air got a bit less because of how well my father accepted my "news". Was I really the only one who didn't see it?

"You may continue Kakashi," said my father as his face softened up.

"Well sir," continued Kakashi, "Since Hisako and my relationship don't come to you as I surprise, I want to ask for your permission to marry your daughter.""

What!" exclaimed Arashi and Kiyoshi in unison.

"Thank the lord!" exclaimed my mother. "I thought Hisako was going to stay a spinster for the rest of her life!"

This time Ishiko bust out shock was overshadowed by the hate for my Mother that was swelling up inside. "Thanks Mother, I didn't know I was that much of a disappointment to you."

She covered her mouth and said, "Oh child, I didn't mean it like that—"

I stood up and replied, "Then how did you mean it? My daughter is a sad, crippled, and pathetic excuse for a female?"

"Hisako, respect your mother," demanded my father.

I pointed at her and said, "Not if she disrespects me! I'm not ten anymore Father and I deserve to be treated like an adult. If I want to stay single for the rest of my life, then that's my problem, not yours!"

I could still hear Ishiko laughing so I turned to her and yelled, "Shut the fuck up before I break your jaw into a million pieces and you know I will."

Ishiko stopped laughing and pretended to be shocked and offended. "Kiyoshi, control your sister…"

As soon as Ishiko was done, I turned to Kiyoshi, and growled, "Oh Kiyoshi, try and stop me. I dare you, no, I double dare you, do something about it. Try. Me."

He opened his mouth to say something but then closed it and shook his head.

Arashi stood up and said, "Hisako, control yourself! This isn't like you."

I clenched my hands into fists and continued with my verbal rampage. "You… you don't know a single thing about me. It has been three years! Three long, life changing years and it's fucking time you move on with your life. I'm not the same stupid little kid you fell in love with so just leave me alone!"

I turned to my right and opened my mouth in order to yell at my next victim. When I saw Kakashi was just staring at me blankly. I closed my mouth and couldn't help but feel extremely embarrassed. I rubbed my eyes with the palm of my hands trying to calm down the constant returning headache I've been getting all day and muttered, "Fuck…"

I felt Kakashi place his hands on my shoulders and whisper loud enough for me to hear, "Hisako, relax. It's okay."

"No," my voice cracked, "It's not okay because you're making a huge mistake."

I put my hands down and looked up at Kakashi. He smiled as he said, "Do you want to talk about this outside?"

I nodded and looked back at the table surrounded by people in shock. "Excuse us." I wasn't going to say we would be right back because honestly, that is the last thing in the world I want to do right now.

Kakashi looked over and added, "Thank you very much and I'm sorry for ruining your dinner." I could help and smile at Kakashi's remark as he led me out of the kitchen and downstairs toward the bookstore.

When we were as far away from the stairs as possible, I stopped and said, "Kakashi, I need to have a serious talk with you."

"I was about to say the same thing, after all we are getting married," he teased.

I hit his arm with the back of my hand and whispered, "We aren't getting married! What is wrong with you?"

"More like what is wrong with you," replied Kakashi as he gave a quick hazy glance toward the stairs. "You realize you just cussed out almost everyone in sight."

I looked back the way we came to make sure no one followed us and whispered, "Well they had it coming… but I really need to talk to you somewhere private. The walls have ears, if you know what I mean."

"Don't take this the wrong way but we can talk about this at my apartment," offered Kakashi. "No one will hear us there."

I sighed. Well it would give me time to cool off and figure out how to fix the mess Kakashi got me into… after all, I'm gonna need a really good battle plan to get me out of this one. I don't think my mother is going to let go the idea of me getting married so easily.

"That's fine…" I responded as I walked toward the door and slowly opened it. "But we aren't getting married."

"But that would make me a liar," retorted Kakashi as he walked out the door and pulled me along with him. "I can't leave my mother and father-in-law with a bad impression. That's bad karma."

I glared at him and threatened, "Watch it Kakashi or the one that will end up with a shattered jaw will be you."


	13. Baby, It's You

****Hey, I am so sorry it has been such a long time since I've updated.

My laptop decided to die on me in the beginning of December and I just got it back recently.

I'm also really sorry if I haven't responded to some of the reviews.

I will as soon as I can, I promise.

Anyway, please review. I really appreciate feedback. 

**"Si nada nos salva de la muerte, al menos que el amor nos salve de la vida."**

**"If nothing saves us from death, may love at least save us from life"**

**-Pablo Neruda**

Even now, as I sat in Kakashi's small "kitchen", I couldn't believe the things he had said earlier. Hell, I can't even believe the fact that Kakashi can actually make a decent cup of tea. I was pretty sure he didn't even know how to boil water but I guess he is a person full of surprises. He sure as hell surprised everyone with claims of which only I know are ridiculous and full of shit.

He can't fool me.

There's gotta be something Kakashi wants out of this. My task right now is to figure out exactly what it is and talk him out of it. Marriage is out of the question! Shit, I don't even know how I feel about him… well not that my feelings toward him have anything to do with romance but…

Oh who am I kidding.

I took a sip from the warm green tea in front of me and shifted around in my seat as I tried to keep myself together. As unlikely as this sounds, I'm going to have to out smart Kakashi in order to talk him out of whatever stupid plans he has in his head.

Kakashi was pouring himself a cup of tea over by the stove when I sighed, "I'm going to be honest and say I don't even know where to start."

"How about the beginning?" he suggested as he turned around and sat down in the chair closest to the stove.

I glared at him. "Don't be such a smart ass Kakashi."

He smiled and replied, "You asked."

I grunted and sipped my cup again. Thankfully, the tea was keeping away the headache which has been coming and going all day but I have a feeling this conversation is going to bring it back to it's full potential.

My eyes lowered themselves in embarrassment while my fingers subconsciously began to softly tap the wooden table in anxiety. I don't want to have this conversation. Now I really regret listening to Hikaru and leaving the sanctity of my room in the first place.

"Hisako, are you happy?"

I kept my gaze on the table and said, "What are you talking about?"

"Are you happy with your life right now?"

My face struggled to keep my emotions in check even though my stomach began to churn. Moments like these make me hate the fact that my smoking habit is kept secret.

I looked up and said, "What do you think?"

Kakashi had his eye on me and I tried not to look away as he said, "I don't know, you tell me." He crossed his arms in front of his chest and waited for my answer.

I stopped tapping my fingers and said, "I'm miserable. I thought it was obvious but I guess I'm just really good at playing pretend."

"One can never tell with you…"

I took another sip from my cup and began to fiddle with the ends of my long hair. Well this conversation isn't going as planned. It went from discussing one horrible topic to discussing another one. Perfect.

"Is there any particular reason why, besides the obvious?"

"Well Kakashi, I don't know what is and isn't obvious for you."

There was silence.

"You don't have to be rude Hisako."

"I didn't mean to be rude… It's just that…" I sighed, crossed my arms on the table, and put my head down. "I don't know, okay. Sometimes I wish life could just pause for a second…"

I lifted my head but kept my gaze on my hands, my pathetic hands that were once rough and ready to take on anything. "I don't know who I am anymore… This was never suppose be… me."

There was a short pause before Kakashi responded, "I'm offering you a different future."

I couldn't help but retort, "Marriage? No offense, but I don't think being tied down to you is much of a solution."

"Why not?"

"Because marriage isn't something you toy with. I thought you of all people would know that!"

I looked up at Kakashi. He was staring off into the distance, almost as if he knew something I didn't know. His stance felt childish but I dismissed the thought. I know him better than that.

"Kakashi… It's not that I don't like you because," I looked down and before I could fully process what I was about to unleash, my mouth blurted out, "I do…"

He slowly turned his attention back to me but didn't say a word.

My body was beginning to heat up with uncomfort and embarrassment.

Out of habit I quickly tried to dismiss my confession. "It's more of a crush but it's there…"

"Hisako, our feelings other than friendship aside, I want to help you—"

"But marriage isn't the help I need," I interrupted. "You don't know me and… I don't want you to make a mistake and ruin your life."

Kakashi closed his eyes and sighed, "Stop thinking about me and think about yourself."

"Think about myself?" I exclaimed. "I am considering my presence in every single moment of your life!"

He didn't move an inch so I continued with my mini rant, "Look, Kakashi, I don't know if you've noticed but I'm crippled."

He opened his eyes and shot back, "What does your handicap have anything to do with this?"

I stood up and said, "It has everything to do with it!"  
Kakashi sighed and shook his head.

Why is he treating me like a child? He needs to stop acting like he knows everything because he obviously doesn't.

"Because of this stupid leg I'm useless to everyone!" I vented. "I can't do anything so I don't understand how you don't think this isn't an issue."

Through this whole thing, Kakashi never lost his cool. Instead of blowing up in my face, he responded, "I'm not trying to make you my personal slave."

I shook my head and sat down. "You just don't understand."

"There is nothing to understand," assured Kakashi. He stared off into the distance, again, which left us with one of the many awkward silences we will probably have tonight.

Sometimes, I really want to know what goes through Kakashi's head.

"You know, women usually are extremely flattered when a man proposes to them," he pointed out with a touch of humor.

I smiled but it quickly disappeared as negative thoughts continued to run through my head, "Alright… even if we do get married, then what? What if along the line, you realize you don't like me in that sort of way? What if you fall in love with someone else and I'm just here ruining your shot at happiness? I don't think I could be able to handle that…"

He snorted, "Don't worry, there is a slim to none chance that will happen. Now you riddle me this: If we did marry, name the positive and negative effects this will have on you." He paused then added, "Start with positives."

I took a sip from my tea and said, "Okay… well…"

My fingers began to nervously tap on the table as if I was just given an adrenaline shot. This is not going as planned… Not one bit.

"Well first of all, my Mother will stop bothering me about getting married… my Father will probably start treating me like a grown woman…" I bit my lip and continued, "I won't have to deal with Toshiro and Ishiko that much… I guess I would have to move in with you…"

My stomach churned at the thought of living in the same apartment with Kakashi. I would have to share a kitchen with him… a bathroom… obviously a bedroom… and most likely a bed.

"Is it hot in here?" Kakashi asked light heartedly. "Your face seems to be turning crimson."

I looked down at the table and tried to calm my stupid nerves down. "Shut up Kakashi. A negative from marrying you would be dealing with your sarcasm and picky book selections. I'd never hear the end of it!"

He smiled and said, "You say that as if I wouldn't have to deal with your sarcasm either."

That's it; I can't stand facing Kakashi anymore. I've had to deal with a stalker ex-boyfriend, a psycho mother, a bitchy sister in law, and now I have to deal with McPerv Kakashi? Hell no.

"And this is why marriage is a terrible idea," I stood up, stretched a bit, and proclaimed, "I'm going over to Hikaru's since I probably won't be able to face my parents once I tell them this was all a joke and that I'm going to be a spinster for the rest of my life…."

Just as I was about to head out toward the door, Kakashi popped up behind me. I couldn't help but jump up a bit when he stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Before you leave and make your decision, why don't you try the married life first?"

There was an awkward silence as I gave him the death glare for a couple of seconds. "As much as it pains me and as much as you've helped me out these past couple of weeks Kakashi, I'm not having sex with you."

A couple of seconds after I finished my sentence, he chuckled and sarcastically replied, "That hurt."

I pouted and asked, "Where?" I pointed to my heart, "Up here, " and then toward my crotch area, "Or down there?"

He kept a smile on his face and shook his head. "Let's say a little bit of both."

My lips cracked a smile.

As much as I hate to admit this, maybe Kakashi does have a point. I mean, what's the worse that can happen? I do like him… but marriage? He must have snuck something into that tea. I guess it's a good idea to try this thing out… After all, trying to live with him for a bit won't kill me… It might actually be a little bit fun.

"You know what, fine. Just because that was a low blow, I'll stay and consider the married life but, if I do agree, I want you to do something for me… just to make sure you are really okay with this…"

He put his hands in his pockets and answered, "Sure."

I took a deep breath, looked away from Kakashi's face, and toward the door. I'm probably going to make the biggest mistake of my life by doing this but I don't have much a choice… I really don't want Kakashi to hate me when he really gets to know me so I might as well just make him realize who I am now. Better sooner than later.

"I want you to read my whole journal… and then tell me if you still want to… um… me to live with you."

Kakashi's face went from amused to serious in a matter of seconds. "Are you sure? Your future plots to make my life miserable might be ruined."

I laughed, "Don't worry about that. If you still want to go ahead with your little plan then I'll find plenty of ways to torture you as your wife. If not then I will have plenty of sleepless nights to think things through. Either way, I'm set."

Kakashi shrugged and rubbed his neck. "Okay, just give it me tomorrow… or whenever you decide to go back." He looked toward his right and I followed his gaze which led to his bed. "You can take the bed. I—"

I pretended to be shocked and interrupted, "What? You don't want to be my cuddle buddy? I thought we were trying out the married life."

He looked at me a bit dumbfounded with his face turning slightly pink.

"Well Kakashi, it must be hot in here because you're starting to look like a boiled lobster."

"You just love to make me miserable, don't you?"

I grinned, "Well we are trying out the married life, aren't we? As your pretend wife," I moved closer toward him and wrapped my arm around his waist," It is my job to make you miserable and vice versa."

He rolled his eyes (or at least the one I can see) and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, "Whatever you say Hisako…"

"See!" I exclaimed and lightly petted his head. "You're a natural. We just need to come up with stupid corny nicknames for each other and we'll be good to go."

He laughed and replied, "You know, for one so against marriage you seem to know a lot about it."

I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed, "Well I kind of had to living with my parents and dealing with Ishiko and Kiyoshi…"

The reason I hate the very thought of marriage is because of those two couples. Sure, they started with the best intentions in the world…. Sure they swore eternal love for each other but they are, after all, human. There is no such thing as forever for anyone.

I didn't realize that we were still holding on to each other until Kakashi cleared his throat and announced, "I need to use the restroom… but you go ahead and make yourself comfortable."

I snapped out of my thoughts and lifted my head from his shoulder. A reluctant laugh escaped my lips as I said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to trap you here." I removed my arm from his waist and yawned. I just realized how exhausting today has been for me. Cussing people out and arguing with a pretend husband can be extremely tiring.

"Do what you need to do," Kakashi insisted as he walked toward his bathroom. Before the door closed he poked his head out the door and continued, "If you need anything to wear, go ahead and take what you need from my closet."

Right as the bathroom door closed, panic began to ensue in the pit of my stomach. For some reason it took me 'till right this second to realize what I just agreed to and the sad part is, I brought this upon myself. Oh well… might as well make the best of it and make Kakashi feel as nervous as I am. Maybe I can force my feminine charm to kick in tonight but it is pretty unlikely.

I sighed and shook my head as I took my gray happi off. My hands quickly folded it and placed it under the table next to the bed. I smelled my white tank top to make sure it didn't stink like cigarettes. I might like to smoke cigarettes but I despise reeking like them.

My inspection moved on toward my hair and my skin but everything seemed dandy. My gaze went from my hair to my fitted gray pants. I'm pretty sure they are comfortable enough to sleep in. After all, it's not like I haven't done it before.

I began to rub my neck with my left hand as I took my shoes off with my right. Honestly, I just wanted to bury myself under these blankets and relax. For at least a couple of hours, I need to forget today happened.

As quick as my crippled body could move, I maneuvered my way under the dark blue sheets and blankets. Slowly my muscles began to loose their tense position as my body sank into the bed. Why does Kakashi's bed have to be ten times more comfortable than mine? This is just not fair.

A small smile appeared on my lips as I shifted my position so my body could be face down. I couldn't help but inhale the crisp soapy smell on the pillowcase and let out a satisfied sigh. It smelled exactly like Kakashi.

My smile disappeared as soon as I fully comprehended that I was going crazy over Kakashi's scent. What in the world is wrong with me? I seriously need to learn how to control myself and try not to ever mention anything that just went though my head this very moment.

I'm going insane… or at least gullible because somehow I went from outsmarting Kakashi to test driving his silly plan. What I really want to know is what he wants out of this… or is he really just doing this out of the kindness of heart? No, this is way too much of a sacrifice from his part…

I heard the bathroom door open and my body froze. Kakashi's light footsteps headed toward his small closet toward the right hand side of the bed by the same window Hikaru jumped in last time I was here. Why does this whole scenario feel like déjà vu all over again?

Kakashi closed the window curtain and flicked the light switch off. I shut my eyes and tried to keep my heart rate in check. I hate considering this but is what I feel for Kakashi really more than just a stupid crush?

"Hisako, are you afraid of the dark?"

"No… why?"

I opened my eyes and the whole room was pitch black. "Isn't this going a bit overboard, Kakashi?"

I heard his footsteps walking toward the left side of his bed as he replied, "This is the only way I can sleep in peace."

I snorted, "How do you even know when it's morning? You can't see a thing!"

I felt the sheets around me move as Kakashi said, "That's what an alarm is for." The bed shook around a bit as he made himself comfortable and continued, "Plus, I hate mornings."

"Who doesn't?"

I turned my face toward Kakashi even though I couldn't see him and said, "So, it's time for you to fulfill your duties as my pretend husband."

"Should I be excited?" mused Kakashi.

"Well," I began as I scooted closer to him, "If you find cuddling exciting, then sure."

I rested my head on his chest and right as I realized my face was touching his bare skin, I quickly sat up. "Please tell me you're not one of those weirdos who like to sleep naked."

"To your misfortune, I am not but if you are uncomfortable—"

"No, no, it's okay!" I interrupted. "This is your apartment, you can do what you want… I was just making sure."

I couldn't help but hesitate as I tried to lie back down. Believe it or not, it's kind of hard to sleep in the arms of someone I've never had much sober physical contact with.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I have a problem.

"Hisako, stop being so paranoid and go to sleep," said Kakashi with a bit of annoyance in his voice. "I know you think the world is out to get you but I promise you that I'm not."

"That's not true!" I rested my head on his naked chest again just to prove him wrong and continued, "I'm not paranoid… you are."

He put his arm around me and said, "I could prove you wrong but it takes too much effort on my part so, whatever you say Hisako."

I laughed and inched my body closer to his. "You know, if this is how you are everyday, maybe this marriage thing isn't such a bad idea."


	14. Calm Like A Bomb

**Life has been pretty crazy and I'm really sorry.**

**That's all I'm going to say about my four month absence.  
**

**Anyway, I would like to thank everyone for their patience and for your reviews.**

**I really do appreciate them.  
**

**Enjoy!  
**

_**"The truth is, wherever you choose to be, it's the wrong place."**_

_**-Chuck Palahniuk**_

**Hikaru's P.O.V.**

As surprising as this might sound, not everyone in this town likes me. I never understood why, but there's something about me that just doesn't click with him. It might be the fact that I'm always around and I get more attention than he does… or the fact that Hisako and I are always together… or maybe it's the fact that Hisako trusts me more than him.

Through the glass door, I could see Kiyoshi restlessly pacing back and forth behind the counter while his son dusted the books on the upper shelves. I wonder why Kiyoshi is here instead of Hisako. Maybe she had another bar hopping night with Kakashi.

I shook my head and smiled.

Well there is only one way to find out.

The bells hung over the door rang which informed everyone in the room of my entrance. Kiyoshi gave me a quick glance but didn't stop pacing. Usually he would give me a fake smile and start shallow conversation with me but today seemed to be different.

"Hello family!"

Kiyoshi didn't stop pacing but his kid looked over, grinned, and dropped the duster. "Uncle Hikaru!"

I smiled and said, "Sup kid?"

The kid quickly jumped off the ladder and tried to tackle me down but I managed to stop him with my left hand. I crouched in front of him and softly petted his hair. He looked back at Kiyoshi then grabbed my collar and whispered, "I think my Dad's gone crazy!"

Well this kid likes to get down to the point. While I held back a snicker, I looked at pacing Kiyoshi and shook my head. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, last night Auntie Coco's one-eyed pervert friend had dinner with us along with Aunties' ex-boyfriend."

Wow, this sounds like one big drama. I can already guess what happened but I might as well ask this kid for the full story. It seems like he likes to gossip as much as his mother. I grinned at Kiyoshi's kid and said, "Continue."

He shifted his eyes from left to right and whispered, "During dinner, Grandpa asked the one-eyed pervert what he wanted with Auntie Coco and he tells everyone that Auntie Coco and him have been going out for a really long time."

My grin got bigger because of the laughter I was holding back. How did I miss this? What in the world was I doing which caused me to not come here sooner? Well a better question is, where in the world are these two? I need to know.

"Then what happened?" I enthusiastically asked.

The kid opened his mouth to reply but Kiyoshi's dark voice interrupted with a, "Toshiro, go upstairs."

The child's face became so pale that if I didn't know any better, I could have sworn he was a mannequin. He didn't even reply to Kiyoshi, he just ran upstairs most likely to complain to his Grandmother. This kid tends to do that a lot.

Kiyoshi didn't stop pacing; on the contrary, he paced even faster. "Did you know anything about this?" he demanded.

I leaned on the bookshelf closest to the door, just incase he snaps and goes on a rampage. "Well, I knew they had a thing for each other," I responded as my fingers grabbed the book closest to my head. "I didn't know they were going out."

"I thought Hisako and you were close," he growled.

I opened the book and pretended to browse through it as I said, "We are… but we all have our little secrets."

I heard Kiyoshi slam his fists on the counter but I kept looking at him through the corner of my eyes. He exclaimed, "No! Brothers and sisters don't keep secrets from each other… not us!"

My eyebrows shot up at this new revelation. So that's what's been bothering him. I flipped the page and responded, "Well apparently Hisako does…"

Even after he slammed his fists on the counter, Kiyoshi hadn't stopped pacing. "Doesn't it bother you?"

This time I felt that it was time to shut the book I was "browsing" through because this wasn't just another bitch fit. This was a bit more than a bitch fit and I feel that it deserves my full attention. "What, that Hisako's life doesn't revolve around me?"

My remark seemed to have made an impact because his pacing slowly turned into a halt. Kiyoshi's gaze moved from his feet, to his hands, and then ended up on me. I smiled and waited for his response.

He shook his head, "No… the fact that she kept this secret from you… Hisako is your best friend and she kept this from you… Doesn't this make you doubt her at all?"

As much as I hate to admit it, Kiyoshi would have a point… if any of this weren't a big fat lie. I shrugged, "Like I said, we all have secrets. Plus I can't be here all the time, things are bound to happen that I don't about, and Hisako probably doesn't want to talk about them. People grow up and get lives… that's just the way it is."

Kiyoshi stomped closer to where I was and demanded, "So what, is Kakashi now her life?"

I put my hands up as a sign of peace and responded, "I didn't mean it like that. You're just twisting my words now." As Kiyoshi inched closer, I took a step back and continued," What I'm trying to say is that, Hisako isn't a teenager anymore. She's all grown up, she knows what she wants… and apparently Kakashi is what she wants."

I think this is the first time I've been legitimately scared of Hisako's brother. The fact that Hisako kept a secret from him shouldn't be such a big deal. After all, she's kept many secrets from Kiyoshi that he now knows about and they have never really bothered him… For a short time even Arashi was a secret Hisako kept but he wasn't this upset when he found out about it so what makes Kakashi so special? There has to be something else going on here.

"But there's something else that's bothering you, isn't there?"

His eyes flickered from deadly assassin to frightened hypocrite.

As I walked away from Kiyoshi and toward the safety of the counter, I asked, "So what do you have against Kakashi?" I turned around and Kiyoshi was staring dead at me but his mind seemed to be elsewhere. "Did he somehow—"

"Kakashi is a great shinobi," Kiyoshi interrupted, "But I don't think he's much of a…" he winced as he tried to blurt the word, "husband."

I leaned back on the counter and caught a glimpse of silver hair moving through the shop windows. Curiouser and curiouser. This is about to get interesting. I smiled and continued to poke the angry bear, "Why?"

"Because," he aggressively threw his hands in the air as the door behind him opened and Kakashi waltzed in with his usual slacker pose. The small bell on top of the door rang but Kakashi's presence was left unnoticed by Kiyoshi. His anger seemed to blind all five of his senses because he continued to viciously rant, "He's Kakashi! On a mission, I would trust him with my life but I would never, **ever** trust him with **my** sister!"

Kakashi's face didn't show a sign of anger or hurt. Instead he casually said, "Morning Hikaru… Kiyoshi."

Kiyoshi's complexion turned as white as a ghost. Actually, he looked exactly like Toshiro when he yelled at him to go upstairs. The irony. I should have warned him that Kakashi was coming but that wouldn't have been fun. Plus, I believe there should be no secrets between family members.

I sighed and shook my head, "Morning Kakashi." Unfortunately, my happy greeting wasn't enough to help lighten the mood up so I continued to strike up conversation, "What are you up to today?"

Kakashi put his hands in his pockets and said, "Well Hisako spent the night in my apartment last night and she woke up feeling under the weather. She asked me to pick up a couple of things for her from her room…"

Kiyoshi's right eye twitched but he still hadn't moved an inch. I don't know if he's too scared, embarrassed, or angry to face Kakashi after what he just said. Personally, I don't know Kiyoshi all that well so I'm just going to say he's scared of him. Actually, I would be too if I were in his position. Kakashi can be a douche bag when he wants to be.

"Really? I didn't think it was going to get any worse…"

"Worse?" asked Kakashi with confusion in his voice. "Hisako's been sick since yesterday?"

I nodded, "Yeah… but she said it wasn't feeling extremely sick though... It's too bad because we were suppose to hang out today."

I'm just lying through my teeth today. Oh well… a small lie won't hurt once in a while.

Kiyoshi and Kakashi didn't give any sort of signal of trying to communicate with each other so I tried to remedy the situation with, "I have some of Hisako's clothes at my place if you want to go ahead and grab them for her."

This seemed to grab Kiyoshi's attention because his gaze switched from scared to serial killer. "Why does Hisako have her belongings in your apartment."

I smiled and shrugged. "So she sleeps over sometimes. Big deal."

My attention shifted back to Kakashi. "Do you think that would be okay with her?"

"Well clothes are clothes," he replied.

Ignoring Kiyoshi, I began to walk toward the door in order to lead Kakashi out of this poisonous shop when surprisingly, I saw the least person I expected to show their face around here. I stopped dead in my tracks as Arashi opened the glass door and walked in with the same expression I probably have on my face right now. Through the corner of my eyes, I looked over toward my right at Kakashi who was standing a bit stiffer than usual.

Mentally, I sighed and shook my head. Well Hikaru, it looks like you have your work cut out for you. Not only do you have to stop Kiyoshi from killing Kakashi and yourself, now you have to stop Arashi and Kakashi from wringing each other's necks. Great. What a perfect way to start off the morning.

I swear, if Hisako wasn't my friend I would let them battle to the death here and now but, I have to be a good little shinobi and keep the peace. After all, a bookstore is a place for romance and learning… not violence.

I reluctantly put a smile on my face and greeted him with a, "Hey Arashi! Fancy meeting you here. I didn't expect you to have such little shame as you walked through that door."

I'm really not making things any better but… eh, whatever. If it happens it happens. I'll try to hold back Kakashi and hope to some supernatural being that Kiyoshi will hold back Arashi instead of joining him.

"Have you met Kakashi?" I blurted out as I nodded toward him. "Hisako is sleeping in his bed right now. Isn't that interesting?"

Wow, I really am terrible. Why can't I stop myself? Oh lordly, lord, why can't I hold my tongue? Well, to be quite honestly, because it's too much fun. Hisako will thank me for this someday… well at least I hope.

The room was so tense that I reluctantly coughed out a nervous laugh. I scratched the back of my head and said, "So, this is what Hisako had to go through last night? Poor kid, no wonder her health got worse."

Unfortunately my "light hearted" comment didn't go well with everyone else in the room. How did I know? Well, the three icy glares directed at me were probably my biggest hint.

I reluctantly vomited out a, "Hahaha, well Kakashi and I should be heading out now. Time is money after all."

Time is money? Where do I come up with this crap?

Arashi stepped aside and left the doorway free for my quick escape. Unfortunately as I opened the door, I looked back and noticed that Kakashi hadn't budged. Arashi and him were still in an evil glare competition, which was honestly interesting to watch, but I didn't have time to enjoy the spectacle.

Hisako and probably the Hokage would murder me if I let Arashi or Kakashi touch a hair off of each other's head over something as ridiculous as pride and jealousy. If these two get in a fight, I might as well be the one causing it because in the end it would be my entire fault. This is what I get for trying to be a good person.

Before I could open my mouth in order to persuade Kakashi to not sign my death sentence, Arashi asked, "Have you taken advantage of her?"

Unfortunately, being the sarcastic idiot I am, I snorted and immediately replied without thinking, "It isn't taking advantage of if Hisako wanted it."

I realized that my stupid comment is probably going to be the spark that starts the fire. As much as I wanted to physically show how even my own audacity could shock me, I kept it cool and pretended like it was just a small insignificant comment. If I treated it like something else, it might just make the situation worse.

Fortunately, everyone seemed to go along with my ignorance because they were too wrapped up in their own glaring contest to notice little Hikaru in the background. Even Kiyoshi was intensely watching these two, which was quite interesting. I'd expect him to be in the middle of all this, giving Kakashi a little bit of hate as well.

Before the room intensified (which in my opinion is impossible but what can I say, miracles happen everyday), Kakashi began to walk toward the door but he took a quick stop in front of Arashi and said, "I would never lay a finger on her, unless she wanted me to."

Well so much for leaving the bookstore in one piece. So much for trying to stay alive. Now I know, that miracles do happen everyday because this room is about to explode with intense anger and kunai. I'm so dead.

I braced myself for the worse but nothing happened. I even shut my eyes and got ready to dodge anything coming my way but there was silence. Complete and total silence.

After a couple of seconds I opened my eyes and saw Kakashi walking toward me with the same casual aloof manner he always has. It was almost as if nothing had happened. I fought really hard to keep my mouth shut. This is insane. After all of this, how did a fight not break out?

Kakashi shot me a puzzled look as if to ask, "Hey, are you alright?"

I shook my head and tried to come back to my usual Hikaru self. I took a deep breath and as I opened the door to walk out of the store, I quickly said, "Later Kiyoshi… Have a nice life Arashi," and quickly began to walk toward my apartment with Kakashi slowly following.

I took a couple of deep breaths and tried to calm myself down. Fuck, no wonder Hisako hates these people. Look at all this stupid drama she has to go through. I can only imagine her parents and Ishiko. Even the kid Toshiro is in on it!

"Hey, slow down!" I could hear Kakashi say. "This isn't a race."

I shook my head but didn't stop. I reduced my speed and waited for Kakashi to catch up with his turtle like pace. I couldn't wait to interrogate him because as soon as he was walking right next to me I asked, "So did Hisako and you elope because Kiyoshi is about ready to smother you with a pillow."

I heard a light chuckle come from Kakashi as he said, "No but we might as well had."

I could help but smile. Oh damn, this is going to be good. I think I should probably play off my curiosity because that's the best way to get information out of anyone. If I act like I'm not interested, people try to get me interesting by telling me all the small details. It's the best way to hear the whole story.

"So what happened? Did you knock her up or something? If that's it, then it's not very surprising."

Okay, so maybe that didn't sound like I was uninterested but whatever. Kakashi has to tell me. I'm the best friend. If he doesn't have my approval, then the relationship doesn't work at all. Trust me, I know this.

Kakashi shook his head and replied, "No…"

I'm sure this is to his disappointment.

I tried not to laugh at my own stupid joke and asked, "So what is it?"

"I'm not sure if I should tell you…"

I rolled my eyes and replied, "Fine, don't tell me… but I'm bound to find out sooner or later anyway so it might as well be now. After all, I am the best friend and I know how to console her best… but it's your decision."

There was silence as Kakashi thought this through which gave me a chance to observe our surroundings. Because of the chunin exams, there were a lot of people out even though it was early in the morning. It seems the parties never stop during this time of year.

The only thing that seemed a bit off was that the majority of villagers would stare at Kakashi and begin to whisper amongst themselves. I wonder what they're talking about. There is no way this has anything to do with Hisako. I mean, I know news travels fast but I don't think it travels this fast. After all, I am always the first to know and since I don't know yet means no one else knows yet.

"Well," Kakashi began.

I couldn't help but begin to swell up in excitement. This is going to be great.

"Since you're going to find out anyway, you might as well just wait," Kakashi lamely finished.

"What!" I exclaimed.

Unfortunately, half of the people on the street began to stare at us as we continued to walk through the crowded area.

I growled with a lower voice, "You're joking, right?"

He shot me an incredulous look as if asking, "Do you really want me to repeat myself?"

"You know," I began with devilish intentions, "Making enemies with your girlfriend's best friend isn't exactly a bright move on your part. You need all the friends you can get now that her family is against you."

Installing fear in a preys mind is the best tactic you can use when trying to get what you want. I learned that from my mother.

Kakashi still didn't answer so I continued to taunt him. "You know, if I really wanted to, I could easily just probe your mind and get it out of you by force."

This time he laughed and replied, "Hikaru, patience is a virtue."

I snorted and shot back, "Look who's talking Mr. I-became-a-Jonin-before-I-hit-puberty." It was a lame comeback but I couldn't really think of anything else to say.

"It's not going to kill you…"

"Well what if it does?"

Kakashi dramatically sighed and responded, "I'm willing to take that risk."

I glared at the ground and threatened, "I hope you know you've made another enemy for yourself."

This time it was my turn to laugh.


	15. Under Pressure

Again, it has been four months since I've updated.

I have three words for you guys: college, work, sleep.

That is what my life consists of right now.

I apologize again.

If this happens again just bother me and remind me that I have a duty to uphold lol

Please review with positive or negative thoughts.

Critiques are always welcome as long as they are written to help me improve and not make me feel like shit.

Anyway, enjoy and thank you for reading!

Hisako's P.O.V.

**"To correct a natural indifference I was placed half-way between misery and the sun. Misery kept me from believing that all was well under the sun, and the sun taught me that history wasn't everything."**

**-Albert Camus**

You know, last night I didn't fall asleep thinking "I really hope my life gets so bad that I'll be on the brink of a mental breakdown". Apparently, according to my body, I did because I woke up at five in the morning with a killer fever, a sore throat, and, to top it all off, an aching body.

Actually I probably wouldn't have known at all if it weren't for Kakashi. As cheesy as this sounds, I actually did fall asleep in his arms and apparently my body was so hot that I was making his cool room feel like an oven. I "forced" him to wake up and guesstimate my temperature with a touch of my forehead. According to Kakashi's magical hand, my temperature was boiling.

I groaned and rolled toward Kakashi's side of the bed. He had been gone for a while now which made it nice and cold for my fever possessed skin. As awesome as this felt, it didn't exactly help my aching throat. I have a feeling this is part two of the hangover I had a couple of days ago.

Why do I feel like I'm dying? Am I just being overdramatic or do hangovers just come back to haunt you when you're a sad pathetic crippled girl? I don't know but I didn't think I would get this sick after being drunk. Actually, I didn't think I would get sick at all. Maybe this stupid crippled leg is making me age faster. That's probably it. If I'm crippled like an old lady, then my health should be as well.

I need a cigarette.

I grabbed Kakashi's pillow and pulled it over my head. Maybe the lack of oxygen will clear up this fever. Better yet, hopefully this stupid thing will be gone by the afternoon. It's not that I want to go home… but I have to. Someone needs to clean up Kakashi's stupid mess. If not, I guess I'll just stay at Hikaru's place but this stupid illness has to go away.

After a couple of minutes, I forgot that my life is a wreck and tried to relax. Slowly I started to fade into unconsciousness when I hear a loud obnoxious voice in the hallway ask, "Is she sleeping? You must have kept her up all night."

I clenched my teeth and growled. Once I get better, I swear to all Hikaru holds dear, I will kill him. Why does he always have to do this to me? Is my suffering some kind of sick joke to everyone?

The door opened and I heard Kakashi say, "For once, try to at least act like you're her best friend and keep your voice down. She's sick."

"Don't bother," my voice muffled through the pillow, "I could hear his big mouth miles away… and he wonders where his sister gets him from."

Hikaru laughed, "Are you trying to suffocate yourself with that?"

Smart ass.

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Do I need a reason to kill myself? It's my life."

Hikaru snatched the pillow from my face and said, "Stop with the teenage angst and scoot over."

I managed to roll my body to the other side of the bed. The mattress shifted as Hikaru sat down. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong," I snapped. "Why does something always have to be wrong with me? I'm sick and I felt like sleeping on Kakashi's bed. It's much more comfortable than mine."

"Well then… why didn't you go home last night?"

"I don't know Hikaru! You're the mastermind, you think of something…"

Why does he have to be so nosy?

"Do we need to step outside and have a break?"

Between Hikaru and me, that's usually keyword for do you need a cigarette. Damn… he knows me so well.

"Maybe later."

I hate myself for needing cigarettes to make me feel better… but what can I do? We all have to die anyway.

Before Hikaru could continue his interrogation, there was a loud knock on the door… actually it sounded like two people were knocking at the same time. I heard Kakashi walk over to the door and I automatically felt guilty for ignoring his presence this whole time.

As he opened the door, I pulled down the cocoon of sheets in order to see who was at the door. To my surprise, there was a grinning Sakura and Ino standing there looking a bit too excited about something. Ino had a bouquet of roses while Sakura stood there with her hands behind her back.

I couldn't tell how Kakashi was reacting toward the pair of genin but his voice sounded a bit confused as he asked, "Is there—"

"CONGRATULATIONS!" they both yelled as Ino shoved the bouquet right in front of Kakashi's face.

Sakura and Ino pranced in uninvited with the same devilish grin on their face. When they noticed I was in the room, they both ran toward me, and began to squeal.

I scratched my head and glanced at Hikaru. He looked just as confused as I probably did. It's official, these two have finally lost it.

"What's wrong with you two?" Hikaru asked.

Ino grinned and replied, "Nothing! We're just really happy for Kakashi sensei and ani-san!"

Sakura nodded and added, "We never really expected this to happen so soon!"

Please tell me they don't know what I think they do. I looked over at Kakashi but he just shrugged. His face was blank and emotionless which wasn't exactly making me feel any better. I hate that I can never tell what was going on in that silver haired head of his.

I shifted my gaze back to the two gleeful girls, "What are you two talking about?"

"My mother said that your mother told her that Kakashi sensei and you are getting married!" happily responded Ino as she shoved the red roses in my arms.

I stared at the flowers in horror. Take deep breaths Hisako, everything is okay. In, out, in, out. It's okay! Unfortunately, no matter how hard I tried to calm myself down, my hands began to shake uncontrollably and my deep breathes continued to grow louder. This is not a panic attack. Please let this not be a panic attack.

"When did this happen?"

"Last night," responded Ino.

"Wait," interrupted Sakura, "Aren't you two suppose to be best friends? How did you not know?"

I could hear the chaos around me over my heave breathing but I didn't know how to respond to it. There just isn't enough time to device some bullshit explanation in order to avoid all of this drama. Why does my Mother have such a big mouth? How could she do this to me?

"Hisako?" someone called.

I couldn't respond so he put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Hey, kid, wake up!"

For some reason I just couldn't look away from these accursed flowers. It was like I was back in that stupid hospital bed three years ago…

"I need to…."

I took another couple of deep breaths.

"I need to…"

My legs began to act on their own accord and I limped as fast as I could toward the bathroom. I shut myself in and crawled into the tub. I didn't even feel safe in here.

As I laid there I could hear a voice from outside the bathroom ask, "Is she alright?"

"Was this suppose to be a secret?"

"I guess it was because she didn't even bother to mention it to me," another replied darkly.

"Will you three calm down… it isn't a big deal."

"What do you mean it isn't a big deal? Kakashi sensei, you're getting married!"

There was a knock. "Hisako, open the door."

I didn't move.

"Hisako, you aren't ten anymore. Open this door."

"You might as well be talking to the wall. She isn't going to open the door."

"Is she puking?"

"Oh my god! Kakashi sensei did you get her pregnant?"

"Is that why you two are getting married out of the blue?"

There were two girly squeals.

"You two are ridiculous."


	16. Back to Black I Appear Missing

**Hey guys! I know, you all probably hate me for taking so long to update. The college life has been keeping me busy but a recent decline in emotional health has helped me realized how much writing helps me keep my sanity. This isn't a promise that I will update quckly but it is a promise that I will continue updating. Thank you all for reading, your support, and all of your comments. You guys are awesome and please critique! I would like to continue growing as a creative writer. Thank you!**

"_Of all sad words of mouth or pen, the saddest are these: it might have been."_

_-John Greenleaf Whittier_

Hisako

I don't remember exactly what time I fell asleep but when I woke up, everything was dead quiet. The only thing that ruined the silence was my head steadily throbbing to the beat of my heart.

I took a deep breath and sat up. Unfortunately, I was a bit too eager because everything started spinning. I rubbed my eyes and this time I slowly stood up from the bathtub. Slowly and quietly, I tiptoed toward the door and put my ear up against it.

The room was still dead quiet so I decided it was a great time to walk out. The outline of my plan is to leave Kakashi's place and chill at a park for a bit. I can't go to Hikaru's place because he's most likely pissed off at me for not telling him about the whole engagement thing. I can't go home because I might blow up in my Mother's face and say a couple of things I don't mean.

Everything just went from bad to worse. Greaaaaat.

I sighed and slowly cracked the door open. I waited for a couple of minutes and didn't see anyone. A sense of safety relaxed my body as I walked out the door with my gaze fixed on the ground. Unfortunately, before I could make it back on Kakashi's bed I heard a voice ask, "Did you have a nice fit?"

I froze in my tracks and looked toward the kitchen where Kakashi was leaning on a counter, staring out into space. Has he been here the whole time?

"No," I retorted, "but I'm about to."

As I continued to walk toward Kakashi's bed, I shifted my attention toward my destination. Unfortunately he beat me there and decided it was plausible to keep tormenting me with, "You act so childish for someone who so desperately wants to be treated like an adult."

So I'm getting this shit from Kakashi as well. I thought he was on my side.

"Well what did you want me to do? Just sit there and smile like an idiot? I'm not exactly in the right state of mind to deal with this."

"You're never in the right state of mind to deal with anything," retorted Kakashi.

My eyes subconsciously widened and my mouth slightly dropped open in agape. It's been a while since Kakashi has seriously criticized me. I think the last time he sat me down and had a "talk" with me was during the second time I took the chunin exams.

I sighed and scratched my head, "Well, what do you want from me? I don't know what to do."

As he sat on the bed, he crossed his arms in front of his chest, leaned back on the bedpost, and said, "You don't have to do any of this if you don't want to."

My stomach churned as I feared the worst. I walked toward the bed and sat next to him. Why does this feel like the beginning of the end? I took a deep breath and asked, "What are you talking about?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about. We could pretend none of this ever happened and go back to how we used to be."

He took a slight pause and I decided to quit the foreplay and get straight to the point with, "Just friends? Is that what you want?"

"Is that what **you** want?"

I turned my face toward him. Kakashi was still staring off into space which pissed me off a bit. We're talking about something serious and to him it seems like we're just talking about lunch. "No, I asked you first so **answer** the question. Is it what you-"

"No," he interrupted and wearily sighed. "No, I don't, but it seems like that is what you want."

"Well it isn't!"

He smiled and retorted, "Then why don't you just marry me already?"

I accidentally let out a sigh of relief and then gently hit his arm with the back of my hand. "You know it isn't that simple."

"You just like to make things complicated."

My muscles began to loose the anxiety and stress that was building up and I moved my gaze from Kakashi's face toward my lap. I smiled and put my head on his shoulder.

I hate to admit it… but I'm glad Kakashi doesn't want to break our… whatever it is. I don't feel like it's a normal romantic relationship, but it's something. It's a something I've never really had before…. It's not serious… or overwhelming. I can't exactly pin point it out but it's just a feeling that's there.  
Whatever it is… I'm starting to like it.

"Do you want me to take you home?"

I snorted, "No…"

My arms wrapped around his left arm as I continued, "I'm scared I'm going to say things I don't mean once I get there… I can't believe my Mother."

"Well, she took the news much better than I expected."

I let out a short laugh, " Yeah… I think this is the happiest I've seen her since Toshiro was born… Thanks for making her dreams come true. Now she'll never shut up about this."

"You're welcome," Kakashi mused.

I laughed and lifted my head from his shoulder. "Want to become my mother's favorite in law and come eat with me?"

"At a restaurant?"

"No Kakashi, I want you to cook for me and feed me like the couples in those cheesy romance flicks," I replied dryly. "Yes, I want to go out and eat."

"Should I consider this as a date?"

I shrugged and replied, "Sure… let's make another one of my Mother's dreams a reality."

* * *

_"Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame."_

- Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)

Hikaru

I couldn't help but replay yesterday morning's events over and over in my head as my swift hands created ornament after bouquet after ornament after bouquet. Stop. Restock. Repeat.

Life went on around me and I managed to keep body on task but not my head. As yesterday's scene replayed over and over in my head, I couldn't get the bitter taste of cigarettes out of my mouth… at least I want to blame it on the cigarettes.

It has been a busy day so far and my parents couldn't be happier… well I am assuming since it's a tad difficult to get them to emotionally respond to anything.

Ino's team was nominated for the chunin exams, there was a shit ton of business, and I am stuck here for a while because of the chunin exams.

Well aren't I a lucky little ninja?

Ino was so proud of her "accomplishment" that she wouldn't stop rubbing it in my face until I told her that she would most likely to die. My team wasn't nominated until my second year in my genin squad.

As if I really cared.

The system is a joke.

She cried all morning and was too "emotionally injured" to finish her shift. Well I say good riddance to that dead weight. She was only getting in my way anyway.

"Hikaru."

That deep voice can belong to one else but my father's… and I seriously thought my day couldn't get any worse. Well, here comes "the talk". Sometimes I wonder why I even come back here in the first place.

I grunted in response.

"We have not spoken in a very long time."

Personally, I believe that is a wonderful thing. The less my father knows about me, the better.

"Well," I managed to respond without sarcasm or resentment, "We have all been busy because of the chunin exams so I am going to assume you're not too heartbroken about it."

This bouque is done but there is something unsettling about them. There is no inbalance between the main flowers and the add on bullshit… but there is something about red roses that I am beginning to dislike.

I think I'm just imagining things.

My scarred zombie like hands lightly lifted the bouque but for some reason my legs wouldn't budge. I would actually have to face my father if I moved.

The feeling rising from my abdomen is not fear.

It's not fear.

I had to force my feet to walk toward the empty holes on the display toward the left hand side of the front door. My gaze was fixed on the flowers and I kept them there to the best of my ability.

For some reason, today was a red rose day.

They are practically all gone.

"Your mother tells me that Hisako is marrying Kakashi."

Control your facial features.

Keep it neutral.

I went straight back to the counter in order to continue my work restocking the selection of red roses. This time, I feel like I should work on just decorating a single one. Even though bouques are popular, there is always that awkward guy with not enough money who wants to get something for that special someone… or maybe just their mother.

I leaned over and gently grabbed a rose from the white bucket.

"Why don't you tell her?"

My hand cringed and the rose disappeared.

For a moment I lost all sense of respect for anything and everyone.

"She's like a sister to me," I snarled. "How many times do I have to tell you?"

I turned to face my father and for the first time in my life, held my ground. His facial features remained neutral and his demeanor remained calm. He stood in front of the large window toward the right hand side of the shop. My fathers broad figure blocked the light and I was forced to be reminded that I was born to be a disappointment when it came to physical masculinity.

"No matter how many times you try to plant this…" I took a moment to come up with the right word to explain this atrocity, "LIE in my mind, it isn't going to change my feelings toward Hisako. She is my sister, in fact, more of a sister to me than Ino will ever be and…"

My black lungs forced me to take a pause in disguise of a crack in my voice. I tried to inhale and exhale but my vulnerability and rage continued their power hungry rant.

"I..." It cracked again.

What's wrong with me.

"I..."

My fifteen minutes of stupidity.

"Y-you are just going to have to accept it."

My father's face was darkened by the light hitting his back. Is he angry… disappointed? Is the shame of supposedly having "two daughters" too much to bear that he's shoving me into something I don't want to do?

The rose's moisture bleeding onto my hand was enough to twist my expression into one of disgust. I opened my palm and shoved its corpse in front of my father's face.

"You see what you've made me do?"

The bell on top of the door rang as the silver-haired slacker walked through.

My vision blurred.

My lungs grasped the concept of the necessity of their movement.

My arms realized the importance of their strength.

Before I knew it Kakashi's throat was in between my heavily scared fingers and I couldn't stop myself from slamming his body on the ground.

"Hikaru!"

My father didn't try hold me back or even try to get me off of the silver haired prodigy. Kakashi didn't even struggle as I held him on the cold wooden floor of this peaceful flower shop. In a strange way it was almost as if he was inviting me to hurt him.

As I looked him in the eye, I didn't see what I expected.

I wanted anger.

Confusion.

Hate.

All I received was concern.

The movement of Kakashi's hair made me realize how hard I was breathing. The aura I was receiving helped me understand a side of me that I swore I would never release.

What am I doing?

I forced myself to let go of Kakashi and fall back on one of the flower displays. The unsold sunflowers covered my lap... my arms…

Who is this?


	17. PDA

**I know.. it's been another eternity but I'm here! I swear! Life is still crazy. Realizing you are socially retarded is a big blow lol. Anyway, I would like to thank everyone who reads this for their patience and reviews. Again, I appreciate feedback. I love to improve. Anyway, enjoy and thank you so much for your patience!**

_"Normality is a paved road. It's comfortable to walk along but no flower grow on it."_

_-Vincent van Gogh_

Hisako's P.O.V.

As I sat on the stool behind the counter of my parent's book shop, I couldn't stop staring at my leather bound journal. I haven't had a customer in about two hours so I decided to go back in time and read the keeper of my deepest and darkest secrets but… for some reason… I haven't been able to go past page one.

I don't know if I'm ready to go back.

Am I ready to critique my own life and allow others to tear my past apart limb by limb?

Okay, maybe I'm being a little dramatic. After all, I'm only letting Kakashi read it. Maybe after he does, I'll burn it… or maybe not. I still want to read it before I do decide to permanently get rid of it.

I sighed, grabbed the book of of the wooden counter, and flipped to a random page. The date on the page is exactly four years ago today… creepy. What exactly was I doing five years ago today?

As far as I remember, around this time, I was on my way to the chunin exams. At the time, I dare say, I was at the peak of my life. I was constantly assigned missions so I was never home. Usually those missions were with Hikaru which made my out of town adventures memorable.

I sighed and rested my forehead on the counter.

What happened to me?

I used to actually have fun but now I'm just living day after day taking care of a stupid bookshop… All I ever do now is wait… wait for something better to come along and amuse me.

The advice I would normally give to people like me is that they should stop living in the past. They should come back to reality and start thinking about what is happening right now but… my past was so much better.

I was just starting to live.

The little bell on top of the door rang and I instantly straightened up my posture.

I wasn't having a mid-mid life crisis right now.

I swear.

My mother walked into the shop looking like the happiest woman in the world. No one could take that grin off of her face. Not even all of those insults I threw at her two nights ago ruined the joy Kakashi's proposal gave her. Actually not even the fact that I told her that I spent the night with Kakashi made her feel the least disappointed in me.

Even my father didn't say a word about it.

MY FATHER. Of all people.

If I don't manage to sneak back on time I usually get a long speech about how I live in their house and I need to follow their rules and blah blah blah blah blah… but he didn't say

ANYTHING.

What is going on with everyone?

"Business is slow today, isn't it?"

To my surprise she came in alone even though my father went out with her to take a stroll around town. Something is up.

"Yes," I replied without even trying put up a mask of happiness for her. "Everyone is out enjoying the events the chunin exams bring."

My mother strolled along the bookshelves while running her fingers on all of the book spines she could reach. "You cleaned again today?"

Small talk is unusual for her… what does she want?

"I had nothing better to do so I made myself useful."

After a couple of minutes of trying to sweet talk me into trusting her, she sat down down on the stool next to me. I couldn't look at her. I didn't want to look at her.

"Why aren't you with Kakashi right now?"

"His life doesn't revolve around me, mother."

"It is going to soon," my mother responded.

When my mother is happy, she has the giddy voice of a fifteen year old girl and it annoys me so. I need to end this conversation quick.

"You know, when your father and I…"

I grabbed my journal, stood up, and interrupted, "Mother, since it's practically dead in here, I'm going to go. I have things to do."

"Oh…" she nonchalantly responded.

I could tell she was hurt but, at this point in time, I don't really care. On the contrary, I need to prepare myself for the usual interrogation I get before I leave this house. I'm pretty sure she's going to say something snarky like "What do you have to do outside of this house?" or "You're going out to eat junk food that's why you have gained weight!" or the famous "You useless child".

"Where are you going?"

I walked past her and grabbed the light messenger bag full of my essentials. "Kakashi's apartment."

"You know, when I first met your father, I was exactly like you."

My feet froze and my pale hand rested on the door.

She never talks about her past.

"I hid in a maze that I had built around myself over the years."

My muscles cringed.

"At first it worked quite well. I was oblivious to everything around me. I didn't care that so and so were expecting a child… settling down…."

I heard her light footsteps move about the freshly polished wooden floor.

"To be sincere, I thought my colleagues were foolish to give up their career, what they had worked so hard to achieve for something as silly as lust and tranquility."

My ears picked up the slow swishing the feather duster made as my mother dusted the already impeccable shelves.

My breath deepened and my stomach churned but I continued to face the door. The welcoming view of the outside world was tempting but my curiosity kept me chained to this accursed bookstore.

"At your age, I craved isolation…"

Swish went the duster.

"Power…"

I sneezed.

"And respect."

I guess my dusting skills have room for improvement.

"Once I understood the general ideas of a concept or a person, I would claim boredom and move on to the next boy…"

Swish.

"Then to next idea…"

Swish.

"And to the next boy…"

My hand slid away from the door.

"I thought to myself, how can anyone stay with a person for so long and not lead a dull life…"

"What excitement can one receive from the eternal routine monogamy and marriage wrapped around you like a chain with lock whose key you voluntarily swallow?"

Goosebumps.

"To be quite frank with you, my daughter, marriage did not have the type of excitement I was looking for."

My body turned and supported itself against the door.

Swish, swish. My mother continued her therapeutic dusting session with her eyes skimming the books for long lost secrets of a past rarely spoken of.

"What I found was something better…"

She paused and began to peacefully run her fingers over the spines on the books.

"When I met your father in this little book store, I did not care about anyone's opinion of the life I led…"

Her hand paused on "Self help" book shelf closest to the counter and pulled out a box of cigarettes.

My heart dropped and my feeble hand held on to the doorknob for support. How did those get there?

As my innocent mother pulled out one of many long white therapists in a box, she continued,"But when I met him… for some reason… I cared about his opinion of me."

She took the green lighter out of the box and lifted the cigarettes to her slightly wrinkled lips. Before she gave me a gave me a quick glance and smirked.

I can't even imagine what my mother is seeing in me right now.

Is that how I look when I'm about to fire up a cigarette?

She lit her cigarette, leaned against the counter in order to face me but kept her gaze on her close companion.

It was like looking into a mirror…

We're like two peas in a pod.

Who would have ever known.

"Did you love him?"

She took a drag and exhaled as she spoke, "Of course I did… but it wasn't the kind of love you see in movies or read in your silly little books…"

My mother shook the pack, extended her arm towards me, and tilted her head.

I could feel my eyes widen in terror.

Is this a trick question?

There's not way she knows… or is there?

Fuck it.

I nodded and she threw me the pack along with the lighter. My hands trembled as allowed myself to light this cigarette in front of my mother. I think this is the first time we've ever been completely honest with each other.

She took another drag and continued, "At least not for me. I've never asked your father…" Her cigarette ashed on the floor but she didn't once cringe or show a sign that she gave a damn.

Who is this person and what has she done to my mother?

"He's always been quite the philosopher… and the romantic."

She smirked and took another drag. "I never used to be much for emotion. I enjoyed my lustful ways and loved my logical reasoning. It had never failed me..."

I took a drag and my body began to relax. I placed the lighter back in the box and threw the box at my mother. She caught it without flinching.

"The reason I fell in love with your father was because I cared about his opinion. I don't know how and I don't know why but he was the person I could see everyday and never grow tired of."

"Everytime he looked at me…" she took a deep breath, and took another drag, "I knew there was something there… something I just couldn't explain.. but it was something I couldn't get out of my mind… even though I was seeing someone at the time" She continued to ash on the floor and wave her cigarette around as she laughed, "Sometimes we didn't even have to say a word. Just being around him made me feel accepted and secure… something I had never really had."

I managed to crack a smile through the smoke.

This isn't my mother anymore.

"I know it sounds stupid but it's true."

Her cigarette died out and she lit another one while keeping the old cigarette butt on the left. "My point is. I fell in love with what I thought I hated… I fell in love with our routine… how secure and safe I felt around him... even though he wasn't the strongest or the most exciting man in town."

She looked at me and continued, "My point is, do not use Kakashi as an escape."

I twitched and took a drag from my shaking hand.

"I noticed the way the looks he would pass your way as you sat there with your dead gaze," her voice became stern and ominous the more she spoke. "Do not hurt this boy."

My heart began to race. I took another drag to slow my breathing.

"If you do not love him or find a reason to love him then do yourself a favor and do not marry the poor child."

She returned her deadly gaze toward her cigarette and said, "Hisako, whether you like it or not, I know you aren't in love with this boy. You just want to leave this house and have the adventure you never had."

I dropped my dead cigarette on the floor and held on to the door knob again.

"I don't know what fantasies you have conjured up in that bored little mind of yours but this is not the way to get what you want. This is not the freedom you crave…"

She threw the box at me and I barely managed to catch it.

"I am scared that someday," her voice cracked, "When you are my age you are going to look back and hate yourself for caving in to something you clearly do not want yet."

My hand began to turn the knob.

I don't want to be here anymore. I can't listen to this anymore.

This isn't fun anymore.

"This is the last thing I am going to say before you run off and suffocate yourself in cigarette smoke and drown yourself in alcohol…"

The door cracked behind me.

"What is it about Kakashi that makes you want to go through with this foolish plan because, to be quite frank with you, it is one of the most immature stunts I have ever seen you pull and I have seen the extent of your stupidity Hisako."

The door slowly continued to open as I continued to hold on for dear life.

"The fact that you are still playing along is what has kept me from stopping this madness because there must be something there. Something that makes you refuse to acknowledge the fact that this will never work."

She took one last drag and gave me the same look I see in the bathroom mirror everyday. A pitiful look full of fear and sorrow.

We're done here.

Before I could hobble away my mother yelled, "Make sure to share those with Hikaru."


End file.
